Anyone here with a WAS and no children?

[istherehope]

OK all,

I don't have a lot of time here (am at an Internet cafe), but I'd like to post some of the pieces of wisdom that I've seen/gotten over the past week. Some of them are in my own thread. Others are on other threads, but this is the central location. Hope this is useful for us LBS with no kids...

Main theme this week has been use the LRT. I know we're all at different stages in the process, and some have more hope than others, some include OP etc., so just take what you can from this and see whether it applies to your own situations. In some cases below I've just written down general ideas that were gleaned from a multitude of posts and threads, so apologies if I forgot to give credit where credit was due:

I spoke to a DB coach last night. This always gives clarity. For my particular situation (WAH with no OW, possible depression amd MLC who I have been pursuing, and who feels I have been controlling and never listened--see my thread if you want the details), she suggested the following:

Go dark--no contact at all unless initiated by him and then only polite and casual responses

This should make me seem more interesting and pique his curiosity

Only listen and validate any negative comments about the M, even though I know he's rewriting history; by focusing on how things could be, or apologizing for what I did wrong, I am focusing on me and not him, and he's not being heard

Remember that continuing to do the same technique with more sincerity, e.g. pursuing, will probably not work. At the very least you have nothing to lose with doing a 180. You know for sure what you have been doing hasn't been working, why would it work when you increase your efforts?

Hard as it is, you can't make any real progress when you're filled with anxiety--getting rid of anxiety is easier said than done. You have to pretend at first, even if it means writing it down over and over or saying to yourself that you don't have anxiety.

From Pisces and JCJ,

Try a solutions journal. Monitor the things that you are doing that work and don't work. Try really hard to only focus on those that are bringing positive results, and immeditaley stop those that aren't.

From OD--it's not over until you say it's over. If you're committed to fighting for your M and DBing, there's always hope.

From a WA fiance (32 year old male) who I had lunch with today, he left his fiance of 8 years for a PA/EA, but his F really, really wanted to work things out. He says that he would have reconsidered if only he hadn't felt like he held all of the cards, if only it had seemed that she was moving on with or without him...He never really had clarity so had to just make a decision. To this day (nearly 1 year later and EA/PA ended) he doesn't know if he made the right decision.

General consensus from the boards...

Don't write letters, unless pursuing is somehow a 180 for you. If you have been pursuing, this will only be seen as pressure, no matter how well-intentioned and well-written.

WAS withdraw because they feel guilty and can't cope. Do NOT add to this guilt. You need to act as-if you are OK with everything, and really listen, validate, and understand in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational way.

Let people fix themselves. Don't offer help to a WAS who is struggling emotionally. Just make it clear through your actions that you support them (by listening and validating or giving space when asked).

Don't expect to get a thank you or an apology from a WAS even when you are making clear and massive efforts to do good things for them. They just can't see beyond their own issues and/or are so wrapped up in guilt that they can't express their emotions properly. See your WAS as an alien--might help.

Stick to safe topics, don't bring up R in your conversations, but do listen if he/she does.

Do give space if you're asked to. It shows you are listening.

Mixed views on ML and the separation. Some see it as building a connection--others see it as being used, depends on the situation.

I'll look for more pearls of wisdom to post later...

ITH