Blog #2

[Bagheera]

I get that guys like sex. No problem. But after years of being used for H's pleasure only, I just don't care anymore. Goldey's private thoughts, "Fine, here's your sex, now hurry up because I want to finish the laundry before I go to sleep."

Oh, Goldy -- it pains me just to read the above statement.

Deep down, I know that your husband would love to be able to turn you on and pleasure you wonderfully in bed. It's a basic male desire (my wife would probably call it an 'obsession' in my case), and it is very painful when you can't do it --> you feel like a failure as a man. Being labeled as a 'bad lover,' by yourself or your spouse, makes a pretty deep wound in the male ego (particularly for men in 'machismo' cultures, such as your H's), and I would guess that his knee-jerk, defensive reaction has been to lash out and blame YOU for being cold, unresponsive, or what have you, while failing to educate and retrain himself.

Unfortunately, just as there are many women who are so caught up in their own point-of-view as to be completely unable to understand a man's POV, there are many men who are so caught up in their own POV regarding sex that they are completely unable to fathom the very different, and often intricate, female POV and approach to sex. Your husband, very honestly, doesn't have a clue. The pornography doesn't help, either, since it generally portrays only a very shallow, male viewpoint of sex: get hard, penetrate this and that for awhile, cum in her face, the end. He's allowed himself to become trapped in a 'model' of sex that simply doesn't work --> and doesn't know how, or that, it needs to be changed out for something better. EVERY man begins with this simplistic, male-oriented sex-script, and at some point in his life has to drop it in favor of what *really* works for a woman.

I don't know that, left to his own devices, he would ever 'wake up' and start to reeducate himself. Therefore, it may be up to you to literally take the bull by the horns (or other body parts) and teach him, once you've figured out for yourself what works for you. In one of your first posts, you wrote:

This morning, a nice cuddle and ML. I actually participated, and asked for what I wanted (physically). A first, I think!

This is the right path to take. Once the two of you start having some successes in truly mutually satisfying sex, the 'porn escape-hatch' will have less and less appeal to him. I personally find porn's narrow script rather boring when compared to the real thing, when that 'real thing' really works for both myself and my partner.

Take care,

Bagheera