God give me the patience and the strength...6

[theotherhalf]

an2m, i know we are stuck in this cycle. but I really don't know how to break it and move forward. i am and will continue the NC. I will let him initiate any/all except business and kids. BUT what if he asks me to do something? Do I go?...

last night...
i went and got my hair cut after work. i walk out of the salon and who's car is parked right out front and 2 cars from mine. OW's. I looked around and left. It fumed me! I got home from work and H was here moving machinery. I went directly to the house. I was messing around and H came in. We talked a bit then I couldn't help myself (i know, i know). I said,
"why is it that 15 years went by me working in that town and I NEVER seen her, and now in the last year I see her all the time? Why am I getting restricted calls here at home and on my cell? What does she want from me? Hasn't she taken enough? Isn't it enough that she has taken you from me? You need to tell her to leave me the h*ll alone!"
he said "I don't know, I am not there. it is a small town."(i said yea I know, so why did I never see her before)he just shook his head and said if he talked to her he would tell her. he said she doesn't have him. he said he is not seeing her. i said no but your talking to her. he said i talk to her once in awhile. i said it doesn't matter, i just want her to leave me alone.

we dropped it. he went back outside. he came back and asked me to come help him with the mower. i did. i went back into the house. he came in and sat in the kitchen and drank a couple of beers. stayed for about an hour. he went to leave and said he'd take "cheeseballs" (new pup) with him. he stopped at the door before leaving and asked if me and N14 were going to come in to BIL's. I looked at him like "what for" and shrugged. He said " i don't know, something to do. If ya do ya do, if not you don't, see ya later." and he left.

N14 and I ate supper. I thought hard on this. I didn't know what to do. For one I wanted to go to get CB so H didn't have him over night. (don't even trust him w/the dog when he's drunk). I really had nothing else to do. I hadn't seen everyone for quite awhile. N14 was begging to go so she could see the kids. But I didn't want to be so available. I want to leave him alone to work thru this.

We went later. I left H totally alone while there. I visited with everyone else. H made contact with me a couple of times but I didn't let him suck me in. At the end of the night,(normally I would follow him home and stay) I took CB and told him good night. And I went home. He called me. He asked if I had CB I said ya(he knew I did), I made a joke, he laughed and said okay just wanted to make sure. And we hung up. After I hung up the phone. I said out loud. "Your so confused little man".

He is supposed to come here today to help do sweet corn. HIS idea. He said he'd help so he could have some. Tonight is a Surprise B-day party for his N and Mom. I am nervous about it. But going with NO intentions with him what so ever. I will do this and stay detached. I hope.