I moved out to give him space

[istherehope]

Hey Daisy,

How was your night? I'm about to post on my thread about my own, and hope you'll do the same here!

You know to me everything sounds really, really positive. You seem to see each other a lot, and it sounds like he is making an effort in his own Alien husband kind of way. This is good. I guess maybe take the same advice everyone is giving me (even if I don't always follow it!)--try really hard not to talk about R. You have counseling anyway, and since you have this, this gives you the proper venue for those kinds of conversations. Remember our fragile WA spouses can only take limited amounts of relationship talk before they withdraw, get angry, feel guilty etc.

Can't wait to hear about your date!

ITH

[daisy282]

Hi guys!

So it went really really well. There were a few bumpy patches but we worked it out and it was great.

The movie we were going to see had been sold out so there was a little bit of akwardness while we tried to figure out what else to do. We ended up going shopping (I asked hubby to help me with a project and we needed to go to home depot) and then to dinner. Both things went well. There were a few moments where I was getting annoyed at his lack of physical attention. But I kept quiet about it. After dinner we went back to the house he is staying at to drop off the leftovers (it is too hot here to leave them in the car for more than a few minutes) and he showed me a few things. One thing to note is that the place he is staying is overcrowded, smelly (puppies that are not house trained), and just yucky in general. I'm starting to see why he was/is in such a hurry to get his own place. I still do not see why it has to be his own house and not just a rental but I am seeing why he is rushing things a little. I can see why he is unhappy there. I hope that can play into my favor when it comes time to move back in together (hopefully soon.)

After we left there we went to get gas and then got some drinks at the store and went to a park to walk and talk. We layed out and watched the stars for awhile and since it was dark we messed around a little. Just had a good time together. There was a little relationship talk (I know! Bad Daisy!) but it was good. I do know that I need to back off it though. It all got brought up because we were discussing our next counseling session and he started to talk about what they had discussed in his one on one session a week or so ago.

The date ended with sex as it seems to have a habit of doing. Talking and cuddling afterwards which is always great.

He gave me a kiss goodbye and told me to text message him to let him know I got home safely (which I think is adorable!)

So overall it went really well. I think I alreayd said that though. I know the areas I need to work on and I am trying. I still need to make that list! I feel asleep the other night when I tried to start it.

Today we have been texting back and forth while I was at work. I'm kinda bummed though because he will be gone this weeked for national guard duty and so we won't talk again until Sunday. The weekends always seem to be hard enough without that added on but I can make it! I have some things I need to force myself to do and I already have plans with a couple of friends lined up. I'll survive. I just miss him already. How silly.

Thanks for checking in on me guys!

[badcompany]

its not silly at all. i don't talk to my wife at all except for a text or two in the morning and then its bye bye for the day/night. i miss her like crazy even though she wants a divorce and is out with OM. my DB coach told me even though I don't want a divorce to act AS IF i'm interested in going down that road. never would have thought to do that. I've been acting like life is awesome otherwise. the 2 things to remember

1) WAH(WAW) thinks they know you to a "T"

2) WAH(WAW) thinks you'll never change

challenge them both !

[daisy282]

Good reminders! I think I need to start journaling some of the things I can think of to really challenge both of those mindsets but in a way to not put pressure on him. I'm still working hard at surrendering and letting him take the lead by simply backing off and I am making small steps there which seems to be working. I am also trying to be on his side more and not argue his point of view. I'm trying to respect it as the way he thinks instead of trying to find the words that will "magically change his mind" because I can't change the way he thinks and I married him as he is so why am I even trying? Because I'm a control freak who wants everything to go her way. . .I'm working on it!

Thanks Badcompany.

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

From one control freak to another, good luck with all of this! Have you been keeping a solutions journal? I might have mentioned I have mine in Excel. It is a control freak's/obsessive planner's dream. I make different tabs for the different days, and list experiments, positive, negative, and neutral things that I have tried. At first I was so stubborn that I continued some activities which were NOT good for the R, including pressuring about future plans because they made me feel good. However if you truly pay attention to your solutions journal, there is a lot of wisdom to be gained.

Sounds like you had a great date--you had not ONLY sex, but cuddling to go along with it. This is huge. We had sex 4 times over the last week before I left, but absolutely no cuddling. I thikn the cuddling says a LOT. The fact that he was also talking about his one on one counseling session is GREAT, really positive!

You mentioned something about "when it is time to move back in together". Has this actively been discussed? Is this yuor H's plan as well as your's?

I hope you are hanging in there this weekend.

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

Thanks for your post. I do think things are going really well right now. In regards to the cuddling after sex that has actually happened a couple of times now. And I agree it is huge because this last time I know we were both really tired because it was almost one in the morning and he had mentioned being tired beforehand so it seems like it would have been a legit reason to get up and leave right afterwards but he didn't go anywhere so I was content to stay put too!

As far as moving back in together it has been brought up a few times the past couple of dates we have had. I have primarily brought it up and asked him when he thought we would be ready and he said that he wanted to see what our counselor thought about it before making any decisions. He really wants to move out of the place he is staying now and since he is in transition with work he has not been able to follow through on his house buying plans so maybe after our session (hopefully this week) we can talk about it in more of a solid way. But at least he is open to it. My mom still thinks we need more time apart and while I agree in some ways I also am so ready to be back together again I don't want to wait. But we do have things that need to be worked out and I get that. I don't want to rush into anything and end up back at the beginning a few months from now. We need to work through our issues and learn to deal with some things and that is what counseling is for!

One small update. . .I mentioned that he would be unavailable this weekend because he is doing his drill weekend with the army. In the past he would call me on Saturday night (after lights out) to talk if he could and I just assumed that he would not call this weekend because we are not living together and would like the weekend alone with his army buddies. So while the thought of "wouldn't it be so nice if he called" did float through my head I stuffed it away as an unrealistic expectation and went on with my night. However at 11ish I realized I have a text message and assumed it was from someone else but it was him saying goodnight!!! I was/am floored. To me it says he was thinking about me and maybe missed me. I don't want to read too much into it but it is a HUGE step and I could not be happier about it.

So I am a happy camper and am going to stick to my guns and wait for him to call or text me next. He will get off drill in a few hours so we will see. . .

Yay!

[istherehope]

This all sounds SO positive! Congratulations as whatever you have been doing seems to ber working very well.

Looking forward to more updates!

ITH

[daisy282]

Just a small update.

I knew he was getting home soon and was getting kind of anxious when time had passed and he had not tried to contact me. But I was set and not going to contact him first so I kept busy. Then at like 5 he texted me. So we talked back and forth about his weekend and he passed one of his tests so I told him I was proud of him and when he got negative I just reinforced and told him that he could do it. So that was good. Then I asked if he would call the counselor tomorrow to set up the appointment and he said he would and then he would call me since I will be at work. I told him to have a good night and then ended the "conversation" on a good note and he wrote back to say goodnight. So again. . .very positive!

Yay!

[istherehope]

Daisy,

Nearly every one of your posts lately has been incredibly positive. Just in case you lose of track of that, I've seen the following really positive things in your situation:

ML AND cuddling
Discussion of H moving home
H sending you a text to say good-night(very sweet)
Counseling sessions
Frequent text conversations

Are you keeping a solutions journal now? I think it would help to keep you persevering in case your H pulls back or anything (I know this often happens after so much positive interaction).

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

Thanks for reminding me that things are going well. Sometimes I lose track of that. I am going to go back and read through my posts and see what worked and what didn't so that I can start that list/journal. I know it will help so much but I keep putting it off.

So today I have not heard from him and am a little aggitated. He was supposed to call our counselor to make the appointment and then call me asap to give me a heads up so I can plan my work week accordingly but he never called or texted me. . .so kinda frustrated. I could deal with a day of silence as him just needing space and that would be fine but I don't understand why he would not call or at least text to tell me when the appointment is or to just say that he could not get through to make one (which could be the case)

When I got off work I called him and got voicemail. I didn't leave a message but he will see that I called. Maybe he got called in to work. Who knows! Hopefully I will have an explanation soon.

But I need to stay positive and start pulling my life together.

I mentioned in a post awhile back, possibly on my old thread, that I am playing around with the idea of starting my own business. Right now I work in a coffee house and while I like my job my hours are rather unstable and I do not make enough money to live on my own which is why I am at my parents house. The other side to that is that I do not really make enough money for hubby and I to live together either. When he starts his new job we would be fine but that will just be a temp thing. Money has always been tight and it has been causing a lot of stress in the past few months (before the split anyways) so now as I am looking to hopefully move back in together in the next few months I am realizing that there are quite a few things that need to be lined up to make it as easy as possible and that one of the biggest things is that I need to make more money! So either I quit my job and start all over somewhere else or I go for it and start my business. I have had the business forms for awhile now but have been dawdling so now my new GAL project is to really go for it!

I don't know why I just told y'all that but I guess it is just a good thing to keep me accountable for! Also to help me goal set. If I want hubby and I to get back together I have to make X amount of income. That kinda thing.

I also want to work on this running thing. I am going to go shopping tomorrow and try to get some gear. It's been over 100 here this weekend and is just starting to cool down so this week might work out well to start.

I'll post again tomorrow. Hopefully something will have happened by then!