I didn't realize until today that I didn't have your thread in my watched topics anymore! I just caught up and I have to say that you are sounding like you are coming to some conclusions.
IMO, you definitely need to tell him how you feel. Make sure you are phrasing your feelings as yours alone without blaming him for them. There is no point in putting him on the defensive. I wouldn't suggest that you lead into the conversation on this subject immediately though. Get that lease signed first!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hi Ali, good news on job front. Are you dependant on your b/f for help financially-you don't have to answer I just wondered if thats why he keeps asking about your work? I guess I just have a suspicious mind!
Giving you a bell ? does that mean a phone call or are you actually meeting up?
Might be worth giving him a little time to speak or explain but if you feel the conversation is superficial and time is running out then maybe lead it around to what you want to say afterall you may not hear or see him again in a while and I am not sure you can continue with the "imaginings" for much longer. You do deserve some plain speaking from him after all this time.
As ever though as I keep saying be prepared for whatever he has to say. I personally would rather know the truth than continue waiting and wondering. I think your heart will probably be speaking to you but maybe your head needs to hear as well. Take care.
Hey Mishka, Naej! Its just got to be done..no I dont know if I want to hear the answer, but then I can guess the answer. I am pretty resigned to gettin on with things alone now, but still hoping we may reconcile after he has moved away (and maybe back down here, but either way, if he thinks he may have lost something precious) - so I'm talking after Christmas.
The best I can hope for is he is not 100% about his decision to end it, but is still too scared to jump back in and wants to continue to be alone. At least it wouldnt be a flat no, but it would be, get on with your life whilst I sort myself out.
I honestly have no idea what he would say, or how to ask him !!!
I dont get any money from him no, our finances are separate. I dont know why he keeps asking, being polite, a neutral subject, wants to know if I am staying put, just being supportive (probably likeliest).
I am spring cleaning my house in case he comes around. The I'll geive you a bell implies that I will meet up with him, but he has left it very open ended for his own get out clause. I am still worried he has met someone...after all, he has turned down a chance to go camping (which he loves) with a big gang of old mates he has known for 10 years, includig his BMF. On the other hand, he is very tired and rundown and ill and its pouring with rain again and he said he may not go as he didnt feel well.
I think if it was me, I'd just start obliquely and see how that went, buildng up to more directness depending on the responses and how happy I felt with them. I think there are three possibilities for what he might say
1. I just want to be friends, nothing more (whatever the reason) 2. I don't know what I want; I'm confused, need to fix me 3. I made a big mistake, let me come home.
Given his behaviour and the way he responded to you sounding disappointed on the phone, I'd imagine that number 2 is the most likely, unless he gets scared in which case he might plump for number 1.
What will you do if he goes for either number 1 or 2? (I'm not asking about number 3 as I think that's the easiest one to plan for for you)
One thing that struck me is your comment about being resigned to getting on with things alone but hoping for reconciliation after Christmas. If you plan to do that anyway, what difference does it make what BF says when you ask him how he feels? Just a question that came to mind!
Hey Lisa..took a break from spring cleaning! Man cats create alot of mess.
I guess 3 is defo out. 1 is a possibility, now, although I wouldnt have said so a month ago. Now I'm not so sure. He may be more depressed, less depressed adn not needing me so much, have met someone, or fixated on job stuff and not even thinking about a relationship, but whatever it is, he has lost his need to contact me and see me regularly. Totally lost it in fact!
At least if its 1, I dont have to spend all my time expecting some change..the change has already happened, its over. If its 2, then thats the best I can hope for. The reason for saying something is for ME,...I cant keep my feelings in any longer and I dont want to go on pretending. I want to be real, in a gentle way and hopefully it wont be too awful and embarressing..he is no good at talking about this stuff since he left and hasnt really allowed me to, so I am dead nervous and dont know what to expect and it will take enormous courage just to do it I think!
I just hope I manage to say something before he freaks out.
I also hope he gives me more than a quick pop in to sign the lease, I would like to meet him Saturday night...I would have been more sure of that just a month ago, now I think I will be lucky to see him for an hour or two saturady afternoon (when the eclipse peaks!!!)
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
So I'm sitting here on tender hooks, but theres no point worrying, its obvious things have shifted. He hasnt called yet. I havent seen him for 2 1/2 weeks. I was all building up to saying something but I feel so nervous and also crushed that he has left me a second time. I suppose theres nowhere left to go but face the music and start to get over him.
Debating calling him so I dont have to wait around much longer. But I'm too scared to.
Hey Naej, he didnt call, so I called him on his moby, he sounded awful and straight away said he didnt feel good and would call me when he got in from the shops, which he did soon after.
He wanted to get off the phone after about 5 mins, but we spoke for 20. He basically didnt want to see me, or speak to me as he said he would give me a ring when he felt better "Sunday, or probably Monday"...so he completely gave me the brush off. Either he is very depressed or he has realised he cant get back with me, yet I am expecting to carry on seeing him week in week out, but he doesnt want to confront that and say he doesnt want to. I dont know. I guess I have to realised thats it, he isnt in love with me anymore and whatever is or isnt going on with him, he's not coming back. If I see him next week, it will be first time in 3 weeks. I guess thats it really, over. Over over.
I wrote down what he said, so maybe I'll post the convo later and you can tell me what you think. THough, actions speak louder than words I guess.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Sorry Ali, limboland is one step short of hell I seem to remember.
Afraid I am a great believer in the actions not words school of thinking.
Benefit of the doubt works for a while. I guess it is your call. Hear I am finished from the horses mouth, take the hint or assume from his actions the same. Decide you are moving on regardless of the lack of any concrete evidence. Keep putting yourself through torment and wait. Or just go dark move on and see what awaits for you in the big wide world. If at some point he gets over his illness's or depression and contacts you with something to say you can choose wether you really have time to listen. Do you do tarrot cards?
He didnt say he didnt want to speak to me, or see me, he kept saying he didnt want to see anyone and felt crappy and crabby and grumpy and ...well, all those kinds of words. "I want to close the doors on the world" was another one. Maybe I'll post it. Think so, but I am no good at reading tarot. Why?
I just looked in the mirror and my heart sank, I look old. I'm not the young vivacious girl I was when we started meeting for lunch every day 10 years ago. I look tired and spotty and old.
I do think he has decided to stop seeing me (platonically even) and managed to get through 3 without me confronting that decision with me and I just did on the 4th and he wriggled away again. He wouldnt say anything concrete, in fact, he kept insisting he was just ill. Its just that he hates confrontation and having already gotton out and away from me, and managed to avoid me for nearly 3 weeks he must feel he is nearly home and dry without having to do what he is unable to do - face it and be honest. Its just avoidance.
