is it really true?

[poet]

((((((((stella))))))))))

I'm just checking in to say hello. I know you've been through the worst part of it, and I'm GLAD to see it's close to your going HOME time. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hang in there, girl. I've been home for two weeks now and have only seen my H twice. I've been dark for two days. Just think of all the opportunities there are ahead for your.

hugs,
poet

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{{{Stella}}}}}

Good morning! How is your packing going? Is D excited about heading off to college? Have a good day!

Oh, don't forget to pack your spider stomping shoes! If you do not have any, call me and I will send you some real pretty ones!

SMW

[addie]

Stella,
You sound so much more relaxed. The long nap after the swim was just what you needed. I'm glad D's college admission problems have been resolved.
Just a few more days. Hang in there girlfriend!!!

[stella_k]

Dear ((((all))))!
Thank you for giving me courage!

He called this morning and asked D17 if mom has called a minute ago. D said no, mom's at the pool now . H said oh, ok, i will call later then.
So he did. Same old: his project, D's college, money issues. As if any other topic would be dangerous and could lead to a R talk.
H mentioned, though, that he went to see his C yesterday (after a month or so)and was told to stay on meds. I asked if anything wrong, H said No, I'm fine. Why go to see C now? (assuming: 5 days until we see each other, he is panicking. He is panicking because he still didn't decide!).
I wanted to talk to him more but his door bell rang. H said it must be V. Now V is an old friend, the only one who was supportive of H's madness/A. V. himself went through MLC a few years ago, Dd his W of 30 years and is now on his second baby with OW. Not the
best company for my H, really.
After I hung up I had a pang of fear again. Took me a few hours to return to my new cool detached self. Sort of:)

What I have so far.. is he is coming home.. to live with you.. and may still have some "interaction" with OW. You are just not sure what to think about all this. You don't want to show that you are "happy" he is home because there are still lots of things that need to be sorted out.

Close?

Way wrong?

In between, FG:)
Long story short: I'm in the Middle East, where H and I were teaching for a few years. H went to our home town, found a great job, found OW, started an A, kept coming back and forth, until I came over for a week in May. We had the longest R talk, next day H "broke up" with OW, came with me here (as was planned), stayed 10 days, lots of ILYs, no ML, then he returned (due to his work) to the home town, after arranging to come over here in August to help me packing, so that we could go back to home town and start a new happy life together. Needless to say, he picked it up with Ow where he left off. Now he's coming here as he promised. My H is a very nice guy. He doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't want to hurt OW. He keeps yo-yoing for nearly two years now. He just cannot make up his mind! Sometimes I think Kalni, Lisa (One Day), Addie,W2G and I (and many others)are married to the same guy.

Now I have the gut feeling that H has changed his mind once again
but, been a nice guy, cannot leave me here in the foreign country, all alone. He needs to bring me home first, then... I don't know.

Emotion: fear.

Oh, and I will show that I'm happy! When/if I 'm happy

I have called H now, no answer
I'M SUCH AN ASS-U-ME-R!

(((((EVERYONE)))))

[stella_k]

Is D excited about heading off to college?

D17 is sleeping with her suitcase instead of her teddy

[One Day]

((((Stellitsa mou)))))

Honestly, if your H has changed his mind he's more of a DAM than I ever thought. I can't believe he could, and am really hoping he hadn't.

I know it's hard, but I think Act AS IF is the only way forward. Plan for a positive outcome, but detach yourself so you're not disappointed. I'm having expectations on your behalf....

L. xx

[stella_k]

Emotion: fear.

I wish I could take it back now. I hate been afraid and I always believed that fear is the opposite of love.

(((Lisa)))), ACT IF it is :).

[stella_k]

Dear ((((all)))),

H has called.

We spoke for a very long time, our financial situation and his projects, as usual. I didn't like the convo at all.
First of all, I mentioned that I've been trying to call him yesterday and he wasn't there and he didn't reply anything at all. Which means he was with OW. I know, he'd tell me the truth, so I didn't ask.
He was making one pause after another, as if he wanted to say something and finally I asked him: is there anything you want to tell me? He said Yes, but we should talk when we see each other, not on the phone. I think he's made up his mind finally, he's chosen, and it's not me. It's her. He sounds grave but determined, no wavering. I didn't sense any feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, etc. He called me by pet name but it was as if he was talking to an old friend or a relative.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, friends, but it doesn't look good at all. I think he finally accepted the fact that he does not love me anymore. And it is more than assuming, I know him too well.
I FEEL it. I was dying to ask him a direct question, but then I thought better of it. I can wait for 4 more days...

I'm very sad, but I'm not having a panic attack and I don't cry.
I'm ready to accept it, too.

If he was an MLCer, and not a DAM (and I believe he was), then he must have emerged finally out of his tunnel. I can tell that he's grown up. And the person he's grown into doesn't want me. It's that simple. For two years he kept saying that he doesn't know what he wants. Now he sounds like he KNOWS. And I should respect his decision.

I still have a tiny ray of hope that I've misunderstood him, of course, but I really think it's time for me to let go.

[poet]

Don't you do that, girlfriend! It's not over until it's over. And you are FAR from over. Go dark on him and do not call him. Wait until you see him face-to-face before making any judgments, OK?

I've heard all that same stuff you are thinking that your husband is *going* to say. And that was two months ago. You are FAR from the end. Please trust this!

(((((((((((((((((((STELLA))))))))))))))))))))
poet

[stella_k]

Dear ((((poet)))),

I will wait. It's only 4 days until we're face-to-face. And it's easy to go dark on him. I was going dark for 5 months, not a single call from me. The only thing I didn't try yet is LRT.

I've heard all that same stuff you are thinking that your husband is *going* to say. And that was two months ago.

I hear you!

MY problem is, I've already heard from him EVERYTHING LBS can only dream of! ILY, never stopped loving you, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen (he said that!), I'm unhappy, please take be back, will you ever forgive me, my life has been hell ("every day was like 9/11", he said that too!!),I want my life back, you name it. I wanted to post something on SG's thread
"the miracle question" and I couldn't think of anything. My miracle would have been H telling he loves and needs me WHILE AWAY from me. It never happened. Now I don't even know what to dream of.
All the positives and baby steps, all the loving, caring words, all tender moments go down the drain the moment he takes off!
He was standing next to me in the church, holding my hand, telling me "the nightmare is over", " I looked at her and realized I didn't love her". Now, 3 months later, he's looking at her and realizing she's the one. Do you see a pattern here? I do.
I can act As IF, and I will, even though I know that H will see it as an act, and he will know that I know... Still, I'm going to do it. I can even win him back. The question is: for how long?

Right now I feel strong, detached and ready for whatever's coming my way. Then again, when we're face-to-face I can have a major meltdown! It's happened before. We shall see.

(((Suzanne)))