Hi Neil, I think one reason you got down was b/c several of us was using our little...aahh...2x4's and then you needed to know if you were doing anything at all that was right. So, that mixed with your guilt of how you use to be in the past just got the best of you.

I am concerned by some things you have said throughout your threads that you are still wanting to just go to her and say the "right words" and it will all be fixed. It won't happen, sweetie. I'm sorry, but it is going to take a long time. No magic words.....just a lot of hard work on your part and most of all a lot of changes on your part.

I have read a lot of books on MR and I still believe that Michelle's books and Dr. Harley, that writes the material for Marriage Builders, are the best. They teach the same, just use different termonology.

Reading a lot of books on how to repair marriages is almost like reading a lot of different religious doctrines.......after a while a person could really get confused and wonder what in the world to do and who is right about what! So, what I'm saying is that I think you should stick to Michelle's principles for now and just focus on putting them in action instead of reading so many different books by other writers. I can almost grant you that all of them will not agree on some point. Just like the example you gave in your post.

I was so turned off by my H that if he had asked me what you suggested was to be asked of the WAW, I would have been disgusted, plus, I would not have really known what to tell him. At that time, I just wanted to get away from him....not tell him what would work to keep us together. You have to remember that the WAW does not have the frame of mind to "repair the marriage". That is what you don't seem to be getting. That is why she needs space from you and for you to stop pursuing her and stop focusing all your energy on her and the stitch. It is not attractive to her at this point and time and it puts pressure on her.

I will be honest, I would like to see some changes in him....now. I don't say much, b/c when I was on another forum, it got thrown back in my face all the time about what all I needed to do......but I was just trying to recover from the experience with OM and trying to find my old self again. I was not at the point of "working" again. I was sick and tired of "working" b/c I felt like I was the only one that had worked....ever. (Sorry, about to get on my own stuff here.)

Anyway, I think your wife does not want to think about what would "work" to get her back or what to do to make the M work or what changes you would need to make. This, to me, comes across as "needy" in a man. Just "do the work and the changes" that you have been told. Don't discuss it with her....just do it. If it seems to go bad....you will know not to do it again. Try something else.

I wonder if you are resisting doing that. You are looking for a quick, cheap, ticket to get your old wife and old life back...and it ain't gonna happen. This is going to be long and hard and you need to go to work and stop trying to figure out another "easy" way. Okay? ((hugs))

Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!