Im done.

[NNP1965]

someone back me up on this ? puppy? have I learned anything ?

I will back you up. Don't believe anything he says and only 50% of what he does! ...and stop asking

[runningoutoftime]

Just live your life for you, realize you have to move on, and DO NOT expect this divorce not to go through. That doesn't mean you have to rush through the divorce or not be kind, and friendly during the process. It just means you aren't going to allow yourself to be hurt and that you are taking care of YOU. I personally believe moving slowly through a divorce allows more time for healing and growth. And it does allow a healthy chance for reconciliation if that becomes a good option at some future time.

Let's assume reconcilation may become an option. I just don't think your H is ready for that, and I don't think you are either. I think you both have a lot of stuff to work through and growth to go through. Just move slow, and focus mostly on you, your friends, and doing things you love. Be caring towards the X2B, but let him have the space and time to heal and work through his own garbage. Offer an ear and friendship, but expect him to need a lot of space.

If reconciliation were even an option in your relationship... it won't be because you both jump back into a romantic relationship together. I don't think either of you could even do that at this point.... it would have to start as a very gradual friendship. Time, healing, healthy feelings, trust.... that's NOT going to happen quick. This would be a new relationship, not the old one. So no matter where things are meant to go, just try to be friends, nothing more, that's all....

Sorry if I'm being a little redundant here... hope it makes sense....

[bluerain]

For a long time I was looking for reconciliation. Now I have become so disgusted with him and his behavior that I dont even want to see him, let alone think of allowing him to be my H again.

The bottom line is that hes a jerk, and he can go sleep in the bed that hes made (oh yeah, he doesnt have a bed, hes couch surfing!). He has really become a loser lately, and I dont want someone like him around me. I dont allow my friends to treat me as poorly as he does, I will not stand for my H doing it.

I took the papers to our counselor today and now I have a pretty good idea of whats going to happen. Im going to ask him for half of the mortgage payment for the next year, I think thats reasonable considering the fact that he wants to store some things here, like his boat and 4 wheeler. And I dont think that he should be able to just walk away from our pets and things, I have 2 giant dogs who eat ALOT, he can help pay for that. I figure that if he wants out bad enough he'll sign anything I put out there! And if he agrees to that, I can keep my car, I dont know if he will, but it would be really great, and quite a load off of my mind!

Alright everyone, I have a date I need to get gussied up for.

Thanks for the advice and Have a great weekend!

[bluerain]

Wow, now he doesnt want to sign the papers until the spring. He says he will keep paying the mortgage, and my car insurance, and it will be good for me because I will still have health insurance.

You know, he is making even less sense than when he was in the throes of the affair. I have just decided what I need to do for me to help myself recover from this and move on and he keeps setting me back! I have started dating someone and I am having a great time with him, and H knows that!

I dont understand why he is putting this off, getting this divorce and both of us moving on seems more improtant than him getting money and continuing to pay the mortgage for me.

We took our dog to the vet today, she has arthritis all down her spine, and during the visit the vet asked is the dog was staying in Ak with me or going to Va with H (He leaves week after next). H didnt tell her what was going on, that he was going to Va AND we were divorcing.

I havent asked him anything about reconciliation or our relationship since I first asked him, when I took the papers to the mediator, so I assume that we are still on track for this. He said that its what he wants, and now its not?! WTF???

I am seriously done letting him f**k with my head. I dont even know what to do next, but I am looking forward to him transferring to Va for 8 months so I can have a break from all this drama. Two days ago I was the first person on the scene of a fatal motorcycle wreck, I called H and told him and he was pretty supportive, I dont even know why he was the person I called, just habit I guess. But now he is offering me all this crisis counseling and keeps offering to talk to me about it, it really almost is making me resentful of him, he never cared this much before, is this just out of guilt? Maybe if he hadnt stuck it in some 22 year old bar fly, he could be there for me for real!!! I just cant take it anymore! Its too much, and I cant handle this crap, or maybe Im just not willing to deal with it, I dont know anymore. For 7 months he has been extraordinarily cruel and he has been shoving the fact that he was leaving in my face, and now this, and my dog is sick. Cant one of these things just go away? (preferably the bipolar H!)

I dont want to say "Why me?!" but really, WHY ME?! What did I do to deserve this? I was a good wife, and a hardworker, I really tried to be a good person, I dont understand why I am being, well, really, it feels like Im being punished! I am thankful for the biker, it was important that he didnt die alone, and I am grateful that I could be there for him, but the rest of it just frustrates me.

[bluerain]

He has his profile picture on his myspace set to one where he is in his boxers on the bridge of his ship. I just dont understand what happened to my husband.

I sent him this: Nice undies H, is this your audition for the Alaska Men Calendar?

He responded: Maybe, just maybe

I feel like Im losing my mind, hes lost his, and now mines going too. Must be something in the water.

[bluerain]

I just wish that I understood what he was thinking. I wonder how things would be different if he was just man enough to tell me honestly what he is up to, honestly, if he asked to come home today, Im not sure how I would react. I dont know if this really is all about the money, or if he is having second thoughts about divorcing me, or what the hell he is doing.

[bluerain]

I wish that I could ask him why he is doing all of this. I made myself sad today thinking about all the awful things that he said about being married. He became very bitter about our marriage when he started the affair. Talking about how much marriage was a joke, and that he was dissillusioned with marriage, and people can go ahead and get married, it will all fall apart.

I thought wow, yeah, it must be awful to be married to your best friend. To have a wife that isnt jealous, and petty and needy, someone you harldy ever fight with, that must be pure hell. And when you say you want a divorce and are having an affair, boy to have a wife that would have done anything to save the marriage, that must have been intolerable. I really think that when his ship left for those 2 months, he absolutely convinced himself that our marriage was miserable, that we hated each other. I understand that he wanted out, but he didnt have to say those terrible things, they werent true. I loved being married.

I picked up the phone earlier to chew him out over this. But I decided that things have been pleasant lately with him, screaming at him wouldnt help. I think that this is a letter I need to write and take down to the beach.

I feel myself turning back into a basket case because of this whole new weirdness with the papers and him not wanting to sign them. I feel like I should tell the guy I have been seeing that we need to stop, but why should I sacrifice my chance at recovery for a H, who isnt making any indication of wanting to come home, besides the whole papers thing (if that IS an indication of him wanting to come home), which I do not understand AT ALL!!!

Breathe Kristin, just breathe...

[yenko69]

Kristin,

Just a personal opinion, but dating right now seems a bit quick to me. You seem to be letting your anger and resentment get the better part of you. It is easy to do. I have realized that it hurt me more then someone else.

It is a tough decision. I think the best advice I got was if you have any doubts don't give up. If your doubts are gone then you can walk away without any regrets.

Everything always works out the way it should. Even if you can't see it right now.

[bluerain]

Yenko, thanks, I think that the dating was just to prove to myself that I was desireable again. It got a little out of hand, and I will be the first to admit that I let it, I had given up entirely, and now that H has changed his tune about the D, I just dont know.

[yenko69]

I feel for you. I am in the same state of mind. Sometimes I feel like I am done, others I want to work it out. We are need to feel we are desirable to someone else.

From a man's point, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to figure out what is really important. Maybe same for women, not really sure.

As bad as it is, I believe unless you do all you can then the what if may come to haunt you. The only person you really have to deal with is yourself. If you can go through this without regret then you can always look in the mirror and know you did the best you could. For me anything else is unacceptable.

It does get rough. This weekend was bad for me. But, I still have to fight whether or not it works out. I don't want to regret any more then I already have.