Piecing (or so I want to believe)

[7 Year Itch]

Last Thread

OK, so a girl disappears for a week and her thread is locked eh?

So if you couldn't tell by my title, I'm UBER confused, but I think it's going well.

Definitely not moving to piecing any time soon ,but I feel like we are making baby steps of progress. At least he is officially "trying" some things now. Although he is very clear in telling me that as of now, his feelings have not changed at all, but honestly..... I sense a huge shift in him. I hope I'm not delusional, but I feel like if I can just hang in, we may just come out the other side. In four months it's the first time I've really felt that maybe, just maybe this nightmare could end.

NOt soon enough for me, but I'll wait I supposed.

So, I was out of town Thurs-Sun (hence my absence here). He stayed here at the house with the girls while I was gone. I think he really enjoyed being home. Then this week, he is off work (had a vacation week scheduled forever ago) so he said he'd watch the girls while I worked this week rather than them go to day care, so he's been here all week. It's been amazing. I came home yesterday to a cooked dinner. Then got invited to go out with him and D6 to watch them shoot their bows. Then tonight I came home to about 2 acres of our land mowed (I've been doing it all this summer alone), the front yard mowed, D6's school supplies shopped for. Really, it felt like for the first time in 4 months my partner was in the game with me.

Amazing how the same things I took so for granted before, mean the world now.

He's housesitting this week for friends out of town again, so he's been driving a ton to check on their dogs and cat and be here. I jokingly told him I wished he wasn't house sitting so he could've just been here for the week. He acted like if it weren't for the animals he probably would've just done that.

But of course, as these WAS's are, he will then in the same breath discuss wanting to look for an apartment etc......

But NO D discussion now for about 5 weeks. I think that is HUGE! He's affectionate (although still very reserved, but it's there).

He also FINALLY agreed to go on a date with me. I've been asking to start dating again for weeks, to try to build back up from the beginning again. He has always said "I don't see what that will do". Well this week ,he finally said, he'd go on one date with me, and we could see after that.

WOW! Pinch me. We have a LLLLLLLloooooooooooooong way to go, but I'm feeling positive again.

So what does one do on an all important ONE date. One that could make or break having more dates in the future?

So then, our D2 has her surgery on Thursday (I'm a basket case over this surgery). I think we will stay at the hospital together that night. Our D6 will be at a friends over night. So that extends our week together too. I told H that I had a ton to do to get D6 ready for her 1st day of school on Monday, but that I did NOT want to drag D2 around all weekend after just having surgery, so he pretty much said he plans to be here daily through the weekend.

I'm already dreading next week though. It's been so amazing having him here. Feeling almost normal. Then next week, it'll go back We keep trying to reiterate to D6 that this is just because H is off this week, and watching them while I work etc. And that Daddy is NOT home etc. But we still worry they will be confused. I hope not.

It's so hard to want to be with him so much, and yet need to protect them from the confusion too.

Anyway. I have many threads of yours all to catch up on. I've been WAY out of the loop, and probably will be after Thursday for another few days again.

Please pray for my D2 that she will come through this surgery like a champ if you are the praying kind. It's really freaking me out. And that the lump turns out to be nothing. Please!!!

Thanks guys. Talk to you soon.
Keep the faith. It's all that's gotten me through.

Chris

[maninmotion]

((((Chris))))
Congratulations. I'm with you, look at the positive and compare to a few weeks back, big change.

Dan

Prayers are on the way for D2.

[ms ladybug]

I was wondering what happened to you. Been thinking about you a lot and hoping things were going well...
Apparently they are.
Take it easy.

[pisces9]

(((chris))) good to hear from you and you see all the positives. that is all yu need to see. there are too many!!

dont worry about later- just be for now. you are doing so well!

he wants to go on a date! just be fun and flirty- like you were when you met!

just lessen the pressure on him to be naything else than how he is for now. it sounds like he is shoing yo alot by taking care of the hosue for you, etc. that i huge and that is the way men SHOW they love you...

i hope your D is ok and i will send lots of love ....

i am so happy for you!!

[iamlost]

Chris, I'll be sending good thoughts & well wishes your D's way...

I'm so glad things are going well and you are feeling positive--"what you focus on expands"--keep it up, girl!

[ms ladybug]

I hope I'm not confusing you with someone else.
Is your daughter the one with the lump on her neck??
Please let us know what it turns out to be. My daughter has a lump on her neck as well. She had it when she was born. The ped never seemed concerned about it, and said that when she's old enough to sit still, he'd like to ultrasound it to see what it is. I never followed through with it though. I was looking at it the other night, and thinking that maybe it's time to get it checked out.

[7 Year Itch]

ladybug... nope, you are right. It was my D2 with the lump. Her surgery was yesterday and it went GREAT!! I'm just so glad it's done. My heart stopped a bit because they said it could take an hour, but they didn't expect it to take that long. Well at the hour mark, both H and I started getting nervous. It was almost an hour and a half before anyone came out, then it was the Anestesiologist NOT the dr. So I saw him, and freaked out. But our Dr. had to rush into an other surgery, so he just came out.

Everything went smooth, and it is at pathology right now, but he said it looked totally harmless, and thinks it will turn out to be nothing. Just extra tissue. And we got released last night. We were originally supposed to stay the night, so we had D6 set up with a sleepover at a friends etc, but she did so well, they let us go home.

Now I just have to wait about a week for the pathology report, then THAT big thing will finally be behind me. I'll be so glad. And as I type this she is running around like a crazy girl. You'd never know she had surgery yesterday. CRAZY!

Well as for H. The somewhat expected pull back is happening. I knew it would come, hoped it wouldn't. I need to keep it in perspective, but I'm a bit bummed. This was such a GREAT week. He even said it was a good week, but that he still doesn't know, and doesn't want me to get my hopes up. But his actions say everything otherwise.

We actually had a FIRST for the last 4 months where we were actually talking of a "future" thing together. That hasn't happened in all this time, but the other day we were talking about refinancing our house, and making an extra payment a year now that I'm working ,to lower the amount of years we have on our mortgage. We've planned NOTHING together all this time, so that was nice.

But like I say, last night as he left, he made sure to let me know not to get my hopes up. His feelings haven't changed. He's not going to rush anything, and he's willing to "wait and see" but nothing has changed. I'm bummed, but trying to keep in mind all the good things.

I'll just be devestated all over again, if after all this positive, he just lets it go.

Well, I'm off to finish school supply shopping today. He'll be here soon.

Chris

[maninmotion]

I'm glad things went well Chris. Your DB should help you endure until the pathology report comes back and keep up the good work.

I'm sorry your H pulled back, but, it had to help knowing ahead of time that was the likeliest behavior.

In my mind, the future plans are huge. Keep up the good work and here's me wishing you all the best

Dan

[pisces9]

Hi Chris- you said it yourself- expect that he will pull back.
pay attention only to his positive actions. dont let his words interfere with your strength and how much you have accomplished.

i am happy your D is ok- kids are amazing!

FUTURE talk is huge and could be a reason why he backed off too...he probably just needs to think!

hang in there- just get back to living in the moment!

(((Chris)))

[7 Year Itch]

Yeah, I'm an idiot. How Icould think one great week out of 4 months would be great news.

I'm just done guys. I cannot stay on this rollercoaster anymore. The crap hit the fan tonight.

I just don't think I can go on.

One minute he's attentive, happy, joking with me. The next he's telling me I'm smothering him, he's angry at me not pulling my "financial weight". Um hello dip, I asked you when this I was offered this job if it would be ok, KNOWING it was not what you initially wanted me to get. I only took it because YOU said, yes go for it. Tonight, he totally throws it in my face. So I say......."what do you want me to do Chris? Do you want me to quite and look for something full time. That's why I initially asked you" .To which he gets snotty and says. "You're a big girl. I'm not going to tell you what to do".

OMG, I wanted to hit him right there. THIS is the alien. This is not my sweet, considerate husband I always believed him to be. He's seriously Dr. Jekyl and I'm so worn out from it.

So I lost it tonight ,and told him I'm just done being the scape goat for all his unhappiness. That I love him, I want to work on this, and I'm still hoping for the best, but that I'm not just going to lie down and let him walk all over me. That this is crap, and I'm tired of it.

Well, you can guess how that went over.

So much for happiness eh?

I'm really starting to feel like I need to get out. I love him, and never imagined I could feel this way, but I really just need to know what is going to happen to my life.

HE really insinuated some nasty things tonight. Really mean and hurtful.

I have no idea what happened in the last 24 hours, but it's like he totally flipped out.

4 months, and I think I may be nearing the end.

I know I sound like a freak, sounding so positive just a few days ago. This is my life. And I'm over every day being on a yo yo.

Chris