Someone once told me the grass isn't greener...it's astroturf.
It looks good and perfect, but it isn't even real.
May is a long way off, and if she's complaining about him now...well, there's more to come that she hasn't even seen yet. And really, how serious is she about marrying the guy while she's having sex with you??
Not only that, but she's saying a lot of things that imply she's not over you. She complains about him to you, mentions that you are "stressing her out". Meaning....that she's thinking about you, and very likely missing you. She may not like it, but she's not over you.
You, however, are as cool as cucumber.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I am doing a much better job now at staying cool. I stay very upbeat and positive when I have conversations with her. It wasn't so much to get her back, but more of an attempt to keep my spirits up and not get depressed. It's working so far.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Floyd, you are an inspiration. I am striving to find the balance between no contact and calm, cool, collected contact for our kids and finances. I understand how you feel, being pretty much over it but then again not quite.
I share alot of your situations. For what it's worth I didn't say no either. (But I think that was the last time I want to go there)
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Hey Hopeful! I'm glad that I inspire you, although I don't think I'm all that calm and I really don't do the no contact thing very well. I was able to maintain it for a few days, and to be honest, those days were hard, but that kind of spurred her to start contacting me more. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's probably confused me more than anything.
Let me see if I can summarize the past few days. It might be kind of long.
Ok, so after our convo on Wednesday, I was feeling kinda silly. So I sent her the lyrics to the first part of "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. One of my favorite PF songs and because of me, she started listening to it too. She asked me what I was doing. I replied, "LOL, I'm singing!" Then I sent her the next part. She asked if I was alone in my office. I said no, but I'm putting on a show for everybody. Then I sent her the last part. She told me I was such a dork. I said, I know, but it made you smile, didn't it? She said yes, and then told me she was picturing me singing that in my office and thinking about the stapeler fairy (that is referring to our first encounter when she got back and we ML in my office, because I couldn't find my stapeler and I found it between a chest and table two days later. It had gotten pushed off while she was there.) So anyway, I told her thanks for bringing that up because now it was stuck in my head. That was kind of the end of that.
I recieved a text from her later that evening that was kind of random. She's always listening to music, and has always told me when a song reminds her of me, or us...and she did that through a text. It might have been because I had sent her the song earlier. This time, it was the song "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and The Blowfish. I told her I had heard it, but didn't know the lyrics and would look them up later... She said that the part about how she only tells him about what she has done and how she feels when she's had too much to drink is part that reminds her of us. I'm like..Ok... We kind of chatted off and on just about random stuff throughout the evening.
It's vague how it started, but she brought up something sexual, and I remember saying that I got a kick out of her telling me that she still thinks about me when she (takes things into her own hands). (is this TMI?) She replied by asking me if I thought of her. I told her that I did because she was good. She asked if that was the only reason because if it was, it made her feel like a prostitute. I told her no, but she doesn't want me to tell her it's nice for all the reasons. She said, I was right and I shouldn't tell her. I asked her if that was the only reason for her, because this works both ways. She said that she wouldn't let herself have other reasons. I told her I didn't think she was being 100% honest because that was something you just can't stop yourself from doing. She said that it did make her feel that way, and that was why it was so bad, because she wasn't supposed to feel that way. We chatted a little bit more and my phone started dying. I told her I would text her when I went to bed where I could have my phone on the charger if she wanted to chat. She said ok and that was that.
When I went to bed, I sent her a text asking if she was in bed yet. She said she was and asked what i was doing. I told her I was in bed and then I told her to tell me something that I have done, or do, that makes her feel special. I had kind of been thinking about this since earlier because our convo earlier wasn't as friendly and upbeat, so I wanted to get her thinking about good stuff. So she asked me when I was referring to. I told her anytime that I did something to make her feel special. She told me that when she was busy doing something, I used to come up behind her and put my arms around her waist and kiss her neck. (I used to do it when she had her hands in something that she couldn't stop me, like doing dishes, or cleaning or something). I told her that I always tried to make her feel special and asked her if there was any other times. She told me that when I sent her the stars at camp, it made her feel special.
(not sure if I posted about this before, not an original idea, but I made a card out of yellow construction paper wrote on it, "If I could hold a star for each reason I miss you, I would have the entire night sky in my hands. Here are 101 reasons why I miss you!" Then I cut out 101 little stars about 2 inches big and wrote a reason I missed her on each one. This was all before her new guy came along.)
So anyway, I replied that I felt special when she would buy me stuff randomly because I knew she was thinking about me when she was out. She replied that she liked doing that. Then I told her that I liked it when she held my arm while we walked, such as grocery shopping, or anywhere. She asked me if there were any more times. I asked her if she was enjoying it. She said yes, that she was and that she was getting in the mood. So our convo went sexual from that point and it lasted until 3 am. So I asked her at that point what had gotten her in the mood. I don't remember her response, but I think she told me she didn't know for sure. I said that I wondered if it was somehting I had done. She said yes and no... that just the thought of me sexually turns her on. She told me that she would be alone at home during the day if I had some free time. So we chatted for a short while longer before we decided that we needed to get to sleep... and she told me to call her tomorrow. (Thursday, I had asked her about doing something because it would probably be our last chance before her surgery, etc.) I told her I would be in town after lunch. She said to just get ahold of her.
So Thursday morning, I'm so tired, I was dragging along while trying to get my boys ready for school and get myself ready for work. I headed into the office and did some reports that I had to do, and then headed to my lunch meeting. On the way there, I called her, but got no answer. While I was leaving a message, she sent me a text saying that she wasn't alone yet. I replied that I was just letting her know that I was heading to my meeting and would let her know when I got done. During my meeting, I recieved a text from her that said she was getting in the shower, and would be all soapy and wet.
I left the meeting and that was when I noticed her text. So I sent her a text letting her know I was done and asked her if she wanted to do something. She asked what. I told her I could stop by and visit her for a while, or we could do something, it didn't matter to me. She said to stop by and visit. So I did.
I got there and she was still putting on some makeup. So I walked up behind her and put my arms around her and kissed her neck. She kind of squeezed herself into me. She told me it made her nervous having me there because her neighbors were so nosy and her parents (who are staying with her right now) were telling them about her new man. We talked for a while, and ended up ML again.
She got kind of ansy afterwards and told me I shouldn't stay long because she was nervous about me being there. She told me it was good, but it was bad because she was in a relationship...a pretty serious relationship. She expressed to me again that she was really worried about not being able to have a good sex life anymore.
Later that evening, I came home and took a nap on the couch. A long one. I woke up and had a text message from her asking if I was around. It was two hours later that I replied. I told her I had fallen asleep and just woke up and I asked her what she was up to. She told me nevermind. I asked her what was on her mind. She started up some idle chit chat. I went to bed and talked with her for a few minutes and I fell asleep again.
I woke up and she had sent me a text that I didn't get bcause I fell asleep. I sent her a text telling her I was sorry about falling asleep, but I was exhausted for some reason. She replied a little later that I shouldn't be staying up so late. She continued to chat a little bit more and told me she was getting ready to head out of town. I asked her what her plans were. She told me she is going to meet her new guy and then go to meet his dad on Saturday, and then they were heading to her sisters on Sunday for her neices b-day party. That was about the end of it.
This post is a mile long. It's mainly just mapping out the days occurances. I'll post kind of how I'm doing in another post later.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
She's contacted me a lot lately since I changed my tone to upbeat and positive and not pushy, etc. We talk a lot.
She's opened up and started venting about her parents, finding a job, new guys issues, both his mother not liking her, and the sexual frustration with him.
She's still steadfast about moving to his town, and marrying him though. I don't think she has it in her to give up on him, even if she realizes that she still loves me and he wasn't really any better than me.
She's traded my problems for his problems, but it was rosy at first, and slowly sinking in.
Eventhough, my slight pulling back, and moving on has caused her to be more active with me. I am positive that she doesn't have the capability to give up on her current plans, even if she is starting to realize her feelings for me, and the newness of her new guy is wearing off. So that's where the confusion comes from.
My dad asked me the other day if he could set me up on a blind date. I told him that if he wanted to do that, that he could just see if she was willing to let me have her phone number, and I would set things up. I wasn't going to have him making arrangements for me.
So here's the funny part. He get's her number and gives it to me. He starts to describe her for me. He says, around 30 (my age) 5'9 or 10, 130 or 140 lbs, long brown hair, brown eyes, dark complected...she's beautiful. I said, ok. Then he says, when I say she's dark complected, I mean she's really dark complected. I said, dad, are you trying to say she's black? He said, yes. I laughed and told him he could have just said that from the beginning because it doesn't matter...lol He's such a weirdo.
So anyway, I might ask her out next week or weekend. I don't know yet. It's kind of a confidence booster. Maybe God will put the right woman in front of me someday.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Another thing I have noticed. The last two times we've seen each other, we were intimate. After that intimacy, she pulls back pretty hard. Not so much that she doesn't contact me, because she still seems to do so, but she feels instant remorse for what she's done.
What should I do about that? If I'm moving on, I probably shouldn't be intimate with her anymore anyway, but I was wondering what her reaction to that would be. I wonder what would happen if I refused to ML to her.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Hey Floyd. I think you are taking the high road here by not letting her plans bother you much. (outwardly at least.)
It sounds like you have a lot of contact but I think you'd know if it was too much.(still be careful)
For me, it's the opposite. My W left primarily because we had fallen into a sexual rut and she wanted more. We were able to reconnect (and have great sex) but not before she was in the fog and under the allure of the OM.
When I hear of her feelings for you and her fears about her new R I think that she will not be happy with that life. I also think that she has to find that out for herself.
I thought it was a good idea to talk about positive things. If I wern't LRT I'd try to do the same.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Hey Floyd. I think that your W is probably experiencing the same thing my H is experiencing, she is second guessing her decision.
If you are moving on, I do agree that the intimacy needs to stop. She will probably wonder why, and maybe even be a little hurt, but ML is such a big emotional attachment for women in particular. It might actually get her thinking a little...
I think your W still does love you. But remember, when these aliens decide to walk away, they are stubborn as hell, and don't want to admit that they were wrong. I think if she sees you are starting to move along, that might be the kick in the rear that she needs. It can be done in a nice fashion, you are moving on, I am moving on, and if we are not going to be together we shouldn't be ML.
But be sure that is the route you want to take. As I said, from the woman's perspective, there is a strong emotional attachment to ML. She may wonder what is up with that??!!??
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yeah, her plans hurt me less every day, but I had to decide to not let them do so in order for me to move forward. It took some work to change my thought paths.
Lola, we weren't married. I have been married once, and DBed through it. I met my XGF after my divorce and have been with her since (off and on a few times) ... five years next month.
I was thinking that not ML would be best for both of us. I know that she has remorse after every time. She made a comment yesterday...kind of asking, "This is our last time, right?" Not sure why she would form that as a question, but it's almost like she was saying that she couldn't resist and I needed to not initiate anything. So my thinking here is this. ML is a very emotionally attached thing for myself also. I've never been a sex with just anyone kind of guy. So stopping it would benefit me in the way that I wouldn't be feeling attachment while intimate. She kind of builds up some desire for sex, or myself, for quite some time before we end up giving in and ML. Then it's instant remorse. So I'm wondering if I didn't give in and ML that she will continue to have increased desire for me. Not sure. Not that I'm wanting to create a ploy to make her do so, but I was wondering what the outcome would be from her end.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
I think it is human nature to want what we can't have, so to speak. I know that your intention is to try and cool things down so you can give yourself some peace, and not to try using sex as a weapon. She won't view it that way either. But I do think she will wonder why, and it may increase her desire for you. She may feel sad, when that intimate connection is broken there is definitely a loss there. One thing I can say about my H is that he has never tried to be intimate with me during the S. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
