So, H dropped D off last night and was his normal distant self. He scurried for the door after I gave him the leftovers I packed for him. I know I'm not supposed to pursue him, but come on...it's so hard. Sooo...I stopped him at the door and said, can I get a little smooch? He gives me a little kiss and then mentions something about not wanting to go back and forth.
Note: We were separated before and almost immediately after he moved out last time we started dating eachother again. In our current situation he often mentions that he doesn't want to do that again because we will find ourselves in the same place and will have wasted more time. That it's too late....blah blah blah.
He also asks if this is why I'm being nice to him. I ask him what he means...he says are you only nice to me because you are horny. I say I'm nice to you because I like you and because I wasn't so nice to you before. He says...both of us weren't nice to eachother. What the hell does that mean? Then he says he needs to go home...I say this is your home (I know I know...dumb response)...he shakes his head and says it never felt like my home. Again...what is going on in his head???
Soooooooo..anyway, I did let him know my sister (not my favorite person) is in town and that she keeps asking me probing questions about him (she doesn't know we aren't together and I don't feel like telling her...have even instructed my Dad not to tell her). She asked about whether or not he was going to be able to make our "family dinner" on Sunday. So we chat about this a little and I ask him if he would go to dinner on Sunday. He says "I don't know"...."when your bro was in the hospital you told me it would be inappropriate to go and visit him"..."if I'm not good enough for that then why would I be good enough to have dinner". I reply with "in my book you are good enough for anything". He says "not when your bro was in the hospital I wasn't".
Another note here: my bro was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago...it was very scary for me as he had just gotten out of the hospital after being in for over 3 months. Almost died several times he was so ill. I was on the phone with SIL when she was giving me the news that bro was back in the hospital and H called on my cell. I was pretty shaken and distraught so when he asked if it would be "appropriate" for him to come see my bro, I said...I didn't think so...that I didn't know what was appropriate anymore. This is mainly because I didn't know how my family would react...only half of them know what's going on between us and I didn't want H to receive a mixed reception. At any rate, during our convo last night I tried to explain that I wasn't thinking all that clearly when bro was in the hospital and that I had actually asked my bro when I went to visit him about whether or not he would want to see H and he said..."sure I would...maybe he needs someone to talk to". H goes on to say..."I'm good enough to come over here and get you off and get myself off, but not good enough for your family". GRRRRRR...these conversations are so frustrating. Sooo..since he said he didn't know about dinner on Sunday I decided to leave that subject alone and see how things are on Sunday...maybe I will invite him again.
Anyway, just free thinking now...H seems very concerned about how my family feels about him. Will say things like...I know your family would be mean to me again...I remember how your SIL was when we got back together last time...then he'll say..."I don't care what people think anymore...I have to make myself happy". What does this mean? Does it mean that he's actually thought about what it would be like to get back together...or what?
Also, is the sex thing just him "servicing me"??????
Any feedback would be much appreciated...H keeps saying "if you need to move on I understand" and then when I ask him if that's what he wants he says "I don't know". WTF????? HELP!
