Aud, Just thought I would stumble in for a peek. You have nothing to worry about if all your fears are dreams. Remember, that you are the dream he gets the chance to relive each and every day free of charge (well almost.. ). You live your life free of intentional guilt, that alone gives you less weight to go about your day and more energy for everything! Again, I know it sounds trite, but hearing how you are keeping things together with patience and understanding is beyond admirable...My weary eye always keeps a look out for you...peace
Start something, take the lead, make sure he knows how important he is to you.
I've been thinking about this Phoenix. It's funny how hard it is to break out of routine and come up with something new, but I think I have an idea and will try to implement this weekend. I try to make a lot of effort to show him how important he is to me, and I tell him often.
Hope things are settling for you--how are you doing? I'm headed to the T today and will be sending prayers your way.
Thanks for checking in Whapu--I've been keeping your comment in my head: "nothing to worry about if all my fears are dreams". I hope your weary eye gets some rest soon. Thanks for your watchfulness and encouragement. Peace back at ya.
Aud, I and most everyone on the Piecing forum can relate to what you're going thru. It is difficult to trust again. It is like "sleeping with one eye open."
I'd like to share an excerpt from a poem that has a calming effect on me. It is from the poem, Muslin by Jane Hirshfield:
"Finally weeks would go by, then months," she added, "but always I let him in. It made me strong, you see,
"the gradual going without him. I think it taught me a kind of surrender, though of course I hated it too."
Why he would appear or stay away she never fathomed-- "I couldn't ask. And that seemed only good."
"When he came, you see, I could trust that was what he wanted. What I wanted never mattered at all."
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thanks CL...that poem does say a lot. Though the last line seems really sad to me.
I've been thinking a lot today about 'I Love You' vs. 'I Trust You'. They're completely separate programs, and I think in my head they get all mangled together. I need to work on setting up a clear 'I Trust You' program. Problem is: so much of it is out of my control. How do I apply consequences that don't ultimately end up hurting me and my sitch? I feel safe now...but I feel a need to set boundaries to protect myself in case of future backslides.
I read a quote by Goethe, which I will now mangle (probably like I did the spelling of his name). A woman asked Goethe if he loved her. He said "what possible concern could that be of yours"
Another didbit I found interesting. This from Kierkegard (sp?). There are 2 knights, the knight of infinite resignation and the knight of infinite faith. The knight of infinite resignation has a one way relationship with God. He plods along. The knight of infinite faith has a 2 way relationship with God, he is active and participates. Job was a knight of resignation. He kept plodding, trying to show he was good, and good enough. Abraham was a knight of faith. Abraham threw himself into the paradox and contradictions, understanding that he couldn't understand. Which are you?
Both of these are lifted from the book the Sexual Crucible, which is by the same person who wrote the Passionate Marriage. I'm finding both books to be very helpful. Very helpful in understanding, not so much for peicing, at least not yet.
The basic idea of the books, as I understand it, is that as you grow, you should become self-validating, instead of other-validated. You love because you want to, not because if you love, then you will be loved by the other. You are good enough because you think you are, not because you're other tells you that you are. And you learn to self-sooth. You don't need a shoulder to cry on, or anyone to make it better. You can make it better by yourself.
Of course, a shoulder to cry on, a "other" who tells you they love you and that they like you, are very nice to have too. But not the end all.
Trust. I don't know Aud, but it seems to me you can never trust the way you used too. You know what he is capable of. And, if it's not an affair, he may leave for some other reason. Or, he may be forced to leave due to some unforeseen circumstance. And in the end, he will have to leave (die). So love yourself, stand on your own, then give as much as you can, knowing your ultimately alone.
I know this may sound like a bummer, but it's reality, and it's really rather beautiful if you look at it right.
That's my thought, anyway. Take what you want from it, if anything.
Thinking of you, wishing you the best
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Sorry, I was away for awhile on business. How did it go?
Still in the process of getting moved in. Was kind of tough to start the move, travel, then come back and have a house full of kids (while trying to get settled in). Hope things went well at the T for you. I'm going to do likewise very soon.
Have to get back to work, but I'll send something off the radar soon.
Your post really hit home, because I had a bit of an epiphany over the weekend: I realized that I'm struggling with loving myself because I hold such a high expectation of perfection in myself...I've let go of much of my expectations of perfection in others, but not so much in myself. I just can't seem to really LOVE me if I'm not perfect. And darn it, I'M NOT! So I start feeling anxious and frustrated and insecure. All because I'm expecting too much and being too prideful in that expectation.
I mentioned it to H, and he just smiled. I think he has known that about me all along. And in a less-aware way, I have too...it's just been getting out of hand lately. So, I really appreciate these comments:
Quote:
Job was a knight of resignation. He kept plodding, trying to show he was good, and good enough. Abraham was a knight of faith. Abraham threw himself into the paradox and contradictions, understanding that he couldn't understand. Which are you?
Quote:
you should become self-validating, instead of other-validated. You love because you want to, not because if you love, then you will be loved by the other. You are good enough because you think you are, not because you're other tells you that you are.
Quote:
So love yourself, stand on your own, then give as much as you can, knowing your ultimately alone...I know this may sound like a bummer, but it's reality, and it's really rather beautiful if you look at it right.
Yes, ultimately, the responsibility for happiness is my choice. I am and will be okay with or without H...or anyone else for that matter. I am alone in that regard. The more I can learn to truly love myself, the better off I will be. That is a powerful truth. As for being really alone...I believe I'm never alone. My Savior is by my side. Truthfully, my R with Him is affected by my lack of self-love...I struggle with understanding/accepting how can He love me if I'm not perfect. Nevertheless, it is comforting to know that...that I'm not alone.
).