Please help me to not give up............

[TwinDad]

Grant,

Lola has been giving you some good advice.

First off sorry you are here

Secondly this is not all your fault no matter which way you cut it. Yes your sex issues are a problem and I don't agree with what you have done, though I am not judging you as well. The fact remains your W has some ownership in this as well, whether she wants to admit it or not. In some respects I think she did by ramping up the sex when discovering your on-line fling. If she had been meeting your needs all these years then that wouldn't have happened. Of course she may have been holding out because you weren't meeting her needs in some way......here we go chicken and egg. At the end of the day it takes two to tango.

I hope that takes some of your guilt away and lets you forgive yourself a little bit to help with building up your self esteem again.

When I do go home at weekends to see my kids, things start off okay, but at some stage we always end up to about R, and it's downhill from there. She talks constantly about OP who has just left his wife, and I feel disrespected and deeply hurt. I try to make light of it all with little jokes etc, but she just looks at me like she despises me, and says I'm sad (as in pathetic).

First off....no R talk....none, you are not strong enough right now to hold your own in one.

I'm curious about the "sad" comment. Have you always been passive about the OM. Do you think she is asking you to take a hard line....to set boundaries. Make no doubts about it, EA's can be very powerful particularly if she has recently had her self esteem crushed. It will also tint her vision of you quite significantly....possibly making this take longer than it might normally.

In my sitch, my W was texting back and forth with her HS sweetheart and myspace activities all out of sight from me. Some of it while we were on a family vacation to help work on our M.....so I know how you feel

Maybe it's the start of true detachment for me, but I struggle with feeling weak, pathetic and out of control.

I am sorry you are feeling this way.....we all have and it sucks, but it is not detachment. Detachment is a position of strength and control in yourself

I visit the board quite a lot, and although I read situations where people are encouraged by others about their DB efforts, it does seem that success is desperately limited.

I wouldn't get discouraged by this, find a sitch that has given you hope and follow it, refer to it for inspiration. One thing to keep in mind, is when people have become successful, they typically don't come here very often (if at all). Also sometimes these things can take quite a while.

Also you said youwork away rom home 4 days a week and this has been a problem. Would it be possible to find something where you could live at home?

She now wants me to set a date as to when I will give up, presumably so she feels able to file for D

I don't think so, that is her trying to push the responsibility of the M completely on you. You give up when you are ready and not a minute sooner. This doesn't mean you have R talks and stuff like that, but you can be detached and still have hope. Tell her "I won't set a date on something like that, If you choose to file for D, then that is your decision". She might say seomthing like "you won't let me have a D"....I would respond with "I can't keep you from getting a D, but I am not going to do the work for you"

Keep it strong Grant