Need Advice Please!

[twinhope]

I need advice! I have been coming to this site for 2 months now and I am finally posting. I should have posted sooner but it has really helped me to keep hope. Well anyway my situation is as follows:
My H and I have been together for 14yrs. and married for almost 6. We have twin daughters that are 2. My H had stated to me in Nov07 that he felt that we were not affectionate enough with each other. I did not see what he was talking about but attempting to be more affectionate. Not that this is an exuse but I work full time on top of being a full time mom of twins. We do not have family around and I find this to be very difficult. However we tried a C in Jan and he was aweful.
My H left home for 2 months and then returned. The entire time he has said he has had no hope for our M. He left again in May and has moved into an apartment. He has not asked for a D but he is not willing to work at our M. He wants me to be okay w/ what is going on. I found DR in June and have been doing the LRT since then. I have changed myself a lot and do feel better about myself. Doing things for me and focusing on my girls! We see each other on pick ups and drop offs of the girls. At those times he always has to give me these big hugs when he sees me and when he leaves. He came to have a talk with me the 1st in 3mos. and was expressing concern that we were not connecting. He was concerned that our friends are getting too involved in our situation that it won't allow him to change. He said he missed me and cares for me a lot. On one hand it seemed that he was indicating we could fix things and then he would back off and talk about the visitation with our girls and financial talk. He thinks one of our best friends is trying to come b/w us and may be trying to move on in. However he did cry that night and said he did not want to lose me, then he quickly states he wants us to be friends. He went to leave and gave me a very long embracing hug. A hug I don't think you give a friend. He then asked if he can check in on the girls they were sleeping and that is the 1st time he has been upstairs at our house since he left. He also went in our bedroom and I had changed everything he noticed. He went to leave another long hug and then he kissed me. Really kissed me. He said he couldn't do this it wasn't right. He said that he does not feel the way he used to. I tried to not say much to him the whole night just listen and be there for support didn't beg or anything. I did ask him what he was afraid of and he did not respond. I told him all I want is a chance to try and make this work, no pressure. He wanted to do more but didn't think it was a good idea. He does not want to confuse me. He went to leave again and gave me another huge hug and told me he does not want me to hate him and that he does not want to lose me. I am at a loss don't know what to do from here! Any suggestions?

M-30
H-30
T-14 M-6
S-5/9/08
Twin D-2

[ms ladybug]

Well, he's obviously confused...which is a good thing. Sounds strange, but confusion means that he hasn't made up his mind. He acknowledged that he doesn't want to lose you. At some point, I'd think he'd have to realize that by his own actions, he IS losing you.
What would be a 180 that would get his attention?
You need to show him that you are alright. It sounds like you're already doing that. Not being clingy, not breaking down in front of him. Be light-hearted, upbeat.
And, if he thinks your friends are getting to involved. It's time to set some boundaries with the friends. I couple times of saying, "I don't want to talk about it" may be enough for them to stop meddling.

Welcome here. I'm sure you'll get plenty of advice, help, or just a place to vent when you need to.

There's another member here, TwinDad whose twins are the same age as yours (I think).

Anyways, welcome.

[dbmod]

^

[TwinDad]

Hey Twinhope,

Sorry you are here but there are a lot of good people here. Sounds like you have got yourself a pretty good start. You alude to it a little bit in your thread, but why did your H walk? You said affection, what does he mean by that. Is there anything else that would make him feel like he had no choice but to leave his W and 2 yr old twins? Could there be another W? Believe me I know what it is like to work full time and take care of 2 year old twins.....a very rewarding experience.

One piece of advice.....stick with a single thread and try to stay in one forum so people can follow your story and be able to find you when they want to post to you

[twinhope]

TwinDad,

Thanks for replying! The talk happened in Nov.07 when he said that we never go out, never get a sitter for the girls, don't show him any affection, we don't kiss anymore. He lumped these complaints in with hating his job, his family issues etc. At first I thought he was depressed. I attempted to change and it was not fast enough for him. He was upset with himself b/c he was having thoughts of talking to other women but there was no OW.

We saw a C that really was not good and at that point he said that he was not sure he if he wants to fix our M. He could not commit to that. We continued on and he left the house at the end of Jan. after a fight that we had. He said that he thought things were real bad for us fighting, yelling, etc. He just needed to take a breath as he said.

I was able to get him to another C and I see the same one but he has not wanted to commit to fixing our M. He did not think that I was sincere with my changes and thought that if he returned that things would go back to the way they were. He returned home after Easter and we went on a family vacation to Florida with my parents things seemed to be getting better. He started a new job.

In the beginning of May he started hanging out frequently with a friend who is 23 recently divorced and he has a son. His friend invited him to a NASCAR race and H went and said he would be out all night. Never heard from him and I was upset. It provoked an argument and that was it for him. He said that in order to save anything that we needed to separate. We agreed to go out on dates, see each other, etc. None of that has happened since he left. He had met a new "friend" at work who is 21 and going thru a D. They have been leaning on each other and he claims there is nothing going on. I am just letting him be not addressing any of this with him. Not giving him any reason to use me as the reason for his anger, leaving, etc. He keeps saying that state law gives us a year so we do not make any bad decisions. That's great if you want to fix it!

I have made mistakes. I did not put my H first and I am real sorry for that. I have accepted responsibility and told him so. I think he thinks I am just trying to get him to bite and is not sure if I mean what I say. He thinks I talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I believe he is scared to put himself out there again and the 21yr old is making him feel young again. He had big issues turning 30 in June. He has always shown me love by doing these big events for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I thought I was showing him love by telling him so, thanking him, showing appreciation. We speak 2 different love languages and b/c I never took the lead and planned events that I did not love him. Communication is our problem and I am done trying to convince him.

I texted him tonight asking him if he would like to join the girls and I this Friday for smore's at our fire pit. No response, I am sure it will be a no. He does not want to lead me on. This is the 1st time in 3 mos. that I have asked him to do anything. I don't know if it was a good move. Our 6yr anniv. is coming up in Sept and I don't know what to do there. It was b/c of last anniv. I dropped the ball and did not plan anything which is what I think pushed him over the edge. I have hope, I feel in my heart he still loves me! I wish he would listen to his heart!

[LolaL]

TH: First, breath.

Second, don't talk to your friends, especially mutual ones. They are one sided.

We all make mistakes, its a normal part of life, now is the time to learn from them. Right now is the time to take the focus off of the R, and turn it on yourself.

This is a very difficult thing to do. But you need to remember that you cannot change him, you can only change you. So start there.

Don't call too much. Don't text too much. Do stuff with the babies and you, and don't worry about inviting him. Let him see that you can still have a life.

Right now, you are in panic mode. Don't do anything while you are in that mode. It is hard, probably one of the hardest things you will have to do, but you have to let go a little.

Find other things to do, little ones, that keep you occupied. I actually pray a lot, as a matter of fact anytime I feel that weight on my chest and I know the panic is coming on, I pray. It helps.

Post. We are a good bunch, and we laugh a lot. When one of us is on the floor, we all help to pick up.

Remember that this is a long process, and do not expect to see results overnight. It could take a VERY long time. I am not trying to discourage you in any way, just be prepared for, as I like to say, the biggest roller coaster ride you will ever be on.

(((TH)))

Welcome to our board, though I am sorry it is for this.

[TwinDad]

((((((Twinhope))))))

I am glad to hear you are doing none of the traditional mistakes (begging, pleading, etc). You have been much better at that in the beginning than I was......I sure was pathetic. You sound like you are a very strong person, just wanting your H back

I think if your H has walked out the door, counseling probably won't help him from a couples standpoint. It might help him with himself....but as you know this is something he has to decide and want to do for himself. Just like counseling might help you with yourself.

I have made mistakes. I did not put my H first and I am real sorry for that. I have accepted responsibility and told him so. I think he thinks I am just trying to get him to bite and is not sure if I mean what I say. He thinks I talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I believe he is scared to put himself out there again

It is great that you recognize this. I have actually been in your H's position with regards to not being put first and I can say it is a very hurtful feeling. It is not something I would have left my W and kids over, but it is something that would lead me to be passive aggressive and cause damae to the R in other ways. It is pretty common for the WAS to notice the changes and not "trust you" to maintain them. In their mind they has already checked out. My W told me all the time she didn't trust me. I never understood until I came here and understood it was about changes I had made.....she didn't know who I was or becoming. This will come in very handy when you start to put your R back together.

He had met a new "friend" at work who is 21 and going thru a D. They have been leaning on each other and he claims there is nothing going on. I am just letting him be not addressing any of this with him. Not giving him any reason to use me as the reason for his anger, leaving, etc

You are handling this great and with strength. You realize he is out of the house and you can't control him and if you try it will just push him further away. Just realize, this might eventually require a lot of work on your part. If he is leaning on her then she is meeting a need (giving him attention) and I can almost guarantee he is developing some feelings. How he chooses to handle this will help define him. I wouldn't change how you are dealing with this.

I just realized last night that the two of you were high school sweethearts. It almost seems like he is trying to re-live his childhood (turning 30 and have 2 yr old twins really changes your persepctive on life). He is hanging out with a pretty immature crowd (a 21 yr old about to be D and a 23 yr old who is D), he was unhappy in his job, unhappy with his family. I may seem like a MLC or similar. You would probably do well to read some of the links in there about the whole MLC process. It can pretty eye opening and might help put some of his actions into perspective.

Continue to work on you, like Lola said. Make your changes consistent, a part of who you are.

What sort of arrangements have the two of you made for the kids. My W and I did alternating weeks with a couple planned joint visits/activities in the middle (D's dance class mid week and their gym class on the weekend).

Are your D's involved in any activities, they should be old enough for dance. My D loves it (my S also likes to get dressed up in her tu-tu.....shhhhhhhh...don't tell anyone...lol)

Just one last thing. Don't you think twins are just the greatest. Sure the first year is a blur, but now that they are toddlers they have their best friend with them 24/7. It is truly a blessing.

Take care

[twinhope]

TwinDad,

Twins are the best! You are so right that they are a blessing and I would not be able to get through this without them! My H and I came up with the agreement that he gets the girls every other weekend and one overnight a week. We also agreed to open access to them, if he wants to see them at any time during the week. He can call if I am available. He has not utilized that at all. I think that that is very sad for them!

He responded to my text and as I thought the answer was no. He said that he had already made plans for friday and saturday but thanked me for asking. It is still hard to be rejected. He proceeded to tell me about how the truck has been making noise and he was going to get it checked out.

He called later that day in a panic b/c the truck needed $400 in work done and he did not have the $. He kept saying what am I going to do and then asked if he could borrow from me. I didn't know what else to do so I lent him the money. He called again today and was once again in a frantic b/c they fixed the ac on the truck and it was going to cost $1500 and he was really worried. He was asking for anything just venting to me. Isn't it funny who he turns to in a crisis.

I had another question. I haven't seen many people talk about wedding rings. My H when he first left was wearing it and since June it was off and on. Now he doesn't wear it all. I know it may be small but that just kills me. Should I wear mine or not? He has the girls tonight and was real quick to pick them up gave me a hug before he left.

[ms ladybug]

There's been a lot of discussion about rings. It's very individual.
My h took off his ring when he moved out last Oct. That very day. I kept mine on until Jan. When he noticed that I took it off, he was kinda upset and told me that I was just doing that to hurt him, etc... I told him I'd put it back on and did for a couple days, but finally just decided that it represented something I don't have. I LOVE my ring, and will wear it again IF we reconcile, but until then, I just don't see the point.

[TwinDad]

We also agreed to open access to them, if he wants to see them at any time during the week. He can call if I am available. He has not utilized that at all. I think that that is very sad for them!

I don't get why he wouldn't take advantage of this.....it is sad. At this age the paretns should be involved with their kids lives in some form almost on a daily basis (even if it is to tuck them in). My W had a friend that separated and her H would come over and read the kids a good night story and then leave (sometimes he would stay a little bit and they would talk). They were twins the same age as ours. It is good he thanked you for asking. Maybe next time, or perhaps he might try to return the offer on his weekend. Why do you think he hasn't asked to see the girls aside from the time set aside for him. Is it awkwardness? Is it not wanting the responsibility?

Isn't it funny who he turns to in a crisis.

This is a good thing. Is this the first time this has happened or has it been happening all along since the sep?

As far as the ring goes. It is pretty much a personal preference. If you want to wear it, then by all means wear it! There are no rules here. If it causes you pain then take it off if yuo want to. If it gives youhope then keep it on. If you feel it is a symbol of your commitment to make your M work then keep it on.