[girlfromipanema]

Hello everyone.

I always feel the quickening of my heart when someone comments that my husband's intentions could be anything but admirable. It's my deep loyalty and love for him that creates the need to defend his honor. When my C suggested my husband could be using me several weeks ago, I listened to what he had to say, but my heart said, "NOT my h. He's not that kind of person." Who the heck knows. I believe deep down he is the wonderful man I grew to love with my entire heart and soul.

Thanks so much for checking in. I've been completely exhausted and fried. I haven't been sleeping well - so much is going on in my head. Seeing a glimpse of the man I fell in love with and married got me all twisted.

However, yesterday was somewhat of a test for my husband. I've been leading the way in the fight for my marriage. I've been investing my emotions, giving support, providing things a wife provides for many months without much given in return. Yesterday, four years after we promised to love each other forever, I waited for him to take the wheel. Deep down inside I hoped flowers would arrive (although he's only given me flowers twice in our relationship - he's soooooo NOT the romantic type). If he had given me any indication that he was willing to give us a second chance, I believe I would have jumped at it (with many "needs" of MINE to be met for a change).

No flowers. No card. No reaching out, other than to call before he left the office to see if he could pick anything up for me at the store (I missed the call). I let him have the lead and he dropped the ball, so I'm going to continue on as if the eve of our anniversary was just a dream. If I could have the 'old' husband back... if I could have our early years together back - I'd be the happiest girl in the world. I just don't know if it's possible. I will try not to close my heart completely, but I need the man I love to FIGHT for me.

I'm still feeling strong and I still appreciate your support more than you know.