When we are in the midst of a situation in which we have very little control, how odd that what we seek most is control.
The greatest struggles on this board are seen in the people who refuse to acknowledge that once a spouse has chosen to leave, the ball is in their court.
You cannot drag an adult back home.
You cannot force a person who thinks they are fine to admit they are not.
You cannot make someone be ready to accept changes in you.
These things are out of our hands. That does NOT mean we are powerless however. What our spouses have failed to account for in their steadfastness to insist that our relationship is fatally wounded is that they have loved us. And usually for quite some time.
They loved us enough to choose to enter into a lifetime marriage with us.
And yes, somewhere along the way they allowed themselves to be convinced that they made a mistake and that the marriage should end. In the process of convincing themselves of this, they turned their eyes from the most powerful thing we have working in our favor.
They DID love us.
And THAT is both the chink in their armor and our opening to drawing them back.
DB'ing is an acknowledgement that
a) We cannot control our spouses b) We CAN control ourselves c) One person WHO CHANGES can possibly provoke change in another
Your direction and focus cannot be driven by her. They need to be driven by you.
Incubus has a song that, to me, describes your current state...
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear. And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear, take the wheel and steer It's driven me before and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. But lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
You must have confidence in you. You must.
And yes, it would be so nice to have her respond favorably, and more often so.
But in the end, YOU have to KNOW that you are the one. And you have to believe that you, and the changes you have made, will make that clear to her at some point.
Incubus concludes....
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, with open arms and open eyes. Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there. I'll be there.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
