Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

I am so confused about how to deal with my H. As I get distance from the horribleness of those last few months, I feel both better and worse. Sometimes I miss him a lot--or at least the old him--and it's enough to make me cry. But a lot of the time, I feel OK on my own, more relaxed and much happier in general.

He and I mostly talk or email just to arrange stuff regarding our Ds. Sometimes, though, we'll chat about other stuff, or enjoy talking about things the girls said or did. There are times when I feel like I could become his friend, but when I start going there, I invariably remember some of the hurtful, infuriating things H said or did over this past year, and it makes me pull back into businesslike mode. I have a deep distrust of him now, after what he's done. When he seems to be enjoying talking to me or seeing me, I'm at first happy and then I worry that he's faking it--since he talked so much about having lived a lie in our M.

I considered him my best friend for so long--and I really miss that part of our R. We laugh at the same things and had a lot of common interests and a lot of fun together.

I want to forgive him for what he has done, but I don't know if I ever really will. I have no idea what he really wants from our R, either. As we were separating, he said he hoped we'd remain friends, but it's not like he's all that friendly toward me now.I have completely lost hope and interest in a romantic R; now I feel like I'm mourning the friendship part--and it hurts all over again and in some ways feels like the biggest loss.

What happens is that I forget for a while and we chat and banter and seem like the old us, and then my anger/hurt rises up in me and I have flashbacks about some of the things he's said/done and I don't trust him.

I guess it's a process and it will evolve.

In general, though, I am doing quite well, which is probably why my posts are infrequent. I'm not as obsessed with my M and am enjoying this time in life despite the pain that surfaces here and there.

I would even be up for a date, but that seems hard to imagine. My world is completely mom/family/kid oriented and I work at home, so unless I join an online dating service, I don't see a lot of dates in my future (and the online thing doesn't appeal to me right now.)