Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[sage]

In my sitch, I should have bite the bullet, even tho I resented the fact that I did have to do most of the R work, and did what I needed to do to make my W feel safe in the M. Unfortunately, I got stuck and thought if I just stayed faithful, it would be ok. She obviously needed more that ILY's and faithfulness to keep it going.

Puck -- remind me...have you read Chapman's "the five love languages"?

All I'm thinking is that you THOUGHT you were conveying love and safety to your w. ...perhaps you weren't speaking her language though. That's my guess from reading your thread.

Sage

[sage]

Journalling away...

1. h met me after my haircut appointment. we were going to go to our favorite spot for drinks and dinner but they were crowded so it didn't work out. we went to a totally different kind of place (diner) and h (and I) were totally psyched and resilient and all. Maybe that sounds like a weird positive but it would have been common for one of us to get pissed off at something silly like that.

2. Registered for Fall classes so now both of us are ready to go! H suggested that we create an excel file to manage our busy schedules...hmmm...is this the same man I married???

3. Got some fun pre-vacation stuff planned for tonight...picking up the bikes, getting a guide book, etc.

Sage

[puckpal]

Sage,

Just started reading it yesterday.

Thanks,

Puck

[shinybear]

HI Sage!

Glad things are going so smoothly for you right now! And don't underestimate the cumulative power of those "could have gotten pissy, but didn't" moments...just think of how those added up and helped poisen our M's in the past!!

On the topic of "how do we ensure this doesn't happen again"...I've been having some questions myself.

It seems to me that right now, CJ is pretty fulfilled. He's right into his course, excited, pumped, things are pretty "smooth" with us...I've maintained for the large part my 180's and changes.

My fear is that if HE doesn't meet more of MY needs (Sex, affection, compliments, organization, getting things done etc) I might grow resentful again and backslide.

Honestly, when I look at it...MANY of my previously horrid behaviours were unconcsiously related to him not meeting some of my basic needs. I got angry and sarcastic and controlling in many instances because of his procrastination, ignoring me etc.

HE sees it as going only one way: Shiny's nastiness drove him away....I see it as circular...our negatives fed off each other.

I guess I will just have to carefully voice my feelings before things go to far down that path!!

Sorry to hog your thread!

Shiny

[sage]

Shiny -- Hog away my friend! You're offering good advice!

I agree with the notion that it's circular and interrelated...I know I came into our m. with some pretty strong thoughts about how it should be...(so did he)...we both acted on those...he got feeling trapped..I felt insecure...he felt controlled..I was controlling..he stopped doing stuff around the house...I got angry...he did even less...whatever.

It feeds off of each other.

I know that my anger had a big impact on h.
I know that my attempts to control did too.
I know that his inability to comfort me when I'm feeling scared and alone had an impact on me...
I know that I don't know how to ask for what I need..

h is SO different now in so many ways...it's hard for me to believe it sometimes and believe that it will last...maybe he would say the same thing about me? But, I'm so much happier dropping the rope, without the anger, appreciating and loving him....

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I always ask for reassurance in the same way as you have probably noticed by now. Used to be late at night when both tired, me crying and all that crap. I am hoping to change that now. So far today I have done well!

How did you figure out exactly what your "insecure as hell" zone was? I want to stay out of my send me into emotional meltdown zones!!!!!

I think you are seeing some WONDERFUL positives from your H! I'm jealous, but I think you guys have been working on this a lot longer than David and I have. But at least we have mostly stopped tearing each other apart. Except of course for me yesterday But past history and he says he isn't mad! Taking your advice and trying real hard to accept that at face value!
No questioning or saying but what about!

Well, things sound great here and vacation plans sound wonderful!

Oh yeah I know some of David's negative behaviours contributed to the behaviours in me that he says destroyed our M!!! Vicious circle! But changing.

[sage]

How did you figure out exactly what your "insecure as hell" zone was? I want to stay out of my send me into emotional meltdown zones!!!!!

Pam -- It's all about "data collection" One of the reasons why I'm such an advocate for meditation is that I've found that I really need to quiet my mind in order to figure out what's REALLY going on. Here are some other ways I've figured out my danger zones...

1. reread your old posts -- note what went well or didn't go well -- things jump out at you!

2. read other peoples threads...a lot of times, it's easier to see someone else's "traps" and then figure out if they can be applied to your own situation.

3. LL started a thread in this forum on what makes DB'ing hard...you'll find a lot of ideas in there that may be applicable

4. Ask yourself questions...what's REALLY going on here? What am I really feeling? Not the surface stuff but what's really going on underneath.

5. look for patterns in situations that don't go well.

6. listen to your spouse's statements on what doesn't work...h tells me that I start things late at night and often after we've had a good time together. That gave me something to contemplate.

I think you're on the right path to figure this out, Pam. You do a great job of picking through the rubble of a bad event! Use what you find to make it better next time!

Sage

[sage]

Hey all,

Last day of work before a week's vacation! Leaving early tomorrow AM. I'll probably drop by the boards again before I go but I won't really have access while I'm gone. I'm gonna have a lot to catch up on next week!

Did our errands last night. Ended up in a bit of a spat -- it was mild (over silly stuff) and I was fake acting mad but I ended up wondering if I went too far...dunno...just felt a bit like the "fake" stuff might have been too close to the "not fake" stuff that h. took issue with.

We rebounded fine, though. Had a relaxing dinner, watch a DVD, h gave me a shoulder rub. He thanked me for the relaxing and cozy night as we were going to sleep but then we ended up talking for a while about baseball. I completely love it when he tells me stuff about his interests. He is SO smart and knows so much about so many things! We had great conversations last night about sports and WWII and our kittens and our vacation and ....

I'm looking forward to a week of relaxing -- books, bikes, food, canoeing, sitting on the porch, looking for loons, sleeping late, taking LOTS of naps All that good stuff!

I'll be here in spirit next week!

Sage

[Jeannine]

Shiney's post was on the nose.

"And don't underestimate the cumulative power of those "could have gotten pissy, but didn't" moments...just think of how those added up and helped poisen our M's in the past!! "

Excellent!

"HE sees it as going only one way: Shiny's nastiness drove him away....I see it as circular...our negatives fed off each other. "

Powerfully nasty loop! Although my H knows my LL, he still refuses to use it. I too am fighting against backsliding, because of that.

I wish there were a way to drive this point of cyclical decline home to these guys.

Jeannine

[psluke]

Sage,

Thank you for the encouragement and the advice there.

Your vacation plans sound wonderful!

Have a great time and come back to tell us all about it so we wish even more we were there!

PS I'll try not to have any meltdowns while you are gone, since you won't be here to help step me through them. Boy I hope those are mostly gone for good!

Have fun!!!