Thankyou Naej, bless you. I've been having so many moments of clarity this evening. I have felt so low and also, much stronger strangely...everyone said I would if I got angry.

So I phoned him. He was asleep. I called him at 10 and he was very sweet and friendly. No edge or malice, pleased to hear from me. He said he had meant to call me at 7.30 but was so tired and felt ill that he thought he would just rest his eyes for 5 minutes..then fell asleep. I woke him up. As soon as I heard that sweet "how ya doing" all my anger just dissipated in a puff of smoke.

BUT...i was honest. I said several things I would never have said the past 6 months...I made it clear I was disappointed he hadnt called (thata when he explained he meant to) I said I havent seen you for a few weeks...he made some sort of phhmppff noises. Later he said he is supposed to be going camping tommorow for the weekend in Wales (!!).. I said "OH"...all disappointed and hurt...and twice said I was taken aback. he asked why and I said becuase you're going away again, another weekend and I havent seen you...after several totally contrabannd, I've lost it, I dont care anymore, honest, anti-DB comments like that..

he saoid sorry "for being fluffy", thats what he came up with and then he said, well, I may not go, I'm very tired.. I'll be in work tommorow, so I'll let you know anyway what I'm doing,

He said this twice, about contacting me tommorow.

He said he was tired and stressed about work and went to the doctor yesterday, who told him to relax and stop getting so anxioua and just try and sleep. I told him I was worried about him, he was all reasuring, Oh I'm ok, thats alright, you dont have to worry... he didnt react badly to a thing I said. He told me all about his weekend. He said he called his brother last night at 9 and then went straight out to the pub down the road with his mate he played football with. Once or twice in these explanations I wondered if he was fibbing, he was explaining so much. Ever he was explaining to reassure me, or to hoodwink me. I cant tell.

He said "I know we have to get together to sign this lease", I said, yes we do, but, I dont just want to see you to sign the lease. Clearly I have lost it. I cant not push anymore, my patience has run out !

So...whats going on here? I think... I am utterly focused on him as a prospective or actual BF and his every action or non action is to do with me and I am thinking there is some R between us, or the potential of an R, once he is over his depression. For him, he's off in La La land, either cos of the ADs, cos hes tired or because he is leading some kind of double life (seeing someone else? secretly gay? addicted to internet porn?? Who knows). But there is something about this sitch that is not adding up. Either way, I thikn he is not aware of me or of not seeing me as I am.

I smell a rat. I AM going to have it out with him when I get to see him, in a very gentle way, but thats it, enoughs enough.