hey all just checking in, it's a very humid slightly sprinkling Saturday morning here, and hubby has gone off to work an extra job. S is still asleep, so I have, except for all the animals, the living room to myself. It looks and sounds like the peaceable kingdom in here with all the cats and the dog sprawled out together asleep, and the baby birds on the porch chirping for mama.
But, anyway, I just called the "secret" cell phone number, and the voice said it was temporarily unavailable, so I don't know what that means, and I think I dialed the right number. Maybe he has let it go finally, but who knows??
He has been acting so much better, and even has said sorry to me when he realizes he has said something mean or rude to me. He calls me out on my behavior, too, so when he does I tell him I'm sorry and sometimes we talk out stuff now, so I hope those are all positives. We still sleep in the same bed, (when for years and years we had separate bedrooms) and are better able to talk out our problems.
I think he COULD be feeling closer to me, and therefore not as close to ow, if ow is even still in the picture, if I can believe what he told me about how fast ow went back to her ex-H, when he (MY H) broke it off. But as we all know, we can only believe half, I think, of what they say, or is it NONE of what they say??? Must read the books again...
I have to say that this site, as well as the books, especially certain ones, have really helped me to stay on what seems to be the right track, and to keep me sane. Of course, it's the people here who have been my biggest help, and have inspired me to stay the course, I have and still do sit here, barely able to see through the tears, and write my feelings here, and read what others write, and cry over their situations, the ones who have had an end come to their M. I had such high hopes for them and when the final bomb fell, it hurt my heart for them, and still does.
I don't know the ultimate outcome for my M, but I know I have the support of the folks here whichever way the wind blows.
And, Deauxlie, you have been so kind to come and check on me. THANKS!!
L, I don't think I've posted to you before, so you don't know yet that I'm great at giving advice that I then ignore
Try to put the cell phone out of your mind - don't look for it, don't phone it. Do you know the Buddhist expression 'monkey mind'? To me, it means all those thoughts racing around in circles in your head, usually spiralling you somewhere that you don't want to go. If there's no voice mail on the cell phone, the recording probably just means it was off or busy. What does that mean? See? now you just have something new to freak out about - it doesn't really buy you any peace of mind, which is what you're looking for.
Being able to talk about things as they come up is so great! I'm coming to the conclusion that we (H&I) have to build a safer R first, before we can go back and unravel the past.
Try living in the moment as much as you can. I try to make myself look at the beautiful blue sky or the the trees or really focus on my kids to shift myself back into where I actually am, rather than stressing about the past or the future. So much easier said than done, but it is helpful.
Well, guess what?? My H has been contacting ow again. He DID shut off the "secret" cell phone, but then has started calling her on his other one again. I went online to pay the bill and looked at the bill details and there are hours of calls to ow on it. He has lied about that, and I guess lied about ow going back to her H, because the number he is calling is the house she was living in by herself.
I just found out thirty minutes ago...
Now the sticky part is how to confront him. I don't really want him to know I can see the phone call details, but need to let him know I know he is at it again. I mean he is talking about OUR future, and probably talking to ow about THEIR future, too. This is really pi**ing me off, and I need to calm down before I say or do something rash.
I feel like such a fool, and he led me on to believe that he was into US now.
I wonder if I should call him and tell him I know.
I realize you can only belive half of what they do and none of what they say, or something like that, but darn he is a better actor than I gave him credit for.
I don't really want him to know I can see the phone call details,[quote]
VC,
Why does it matter? You weren't snooping you were going over your bill. if he changes the billing that would mean that he is hiding something anyway.
I would confront him. You have done the opposite for quite a while now and it apparently hasn't changed his feelings for OW. Time for him to face what he is doing I think. He needs to be held accountable.
As Puppy says, TOUGH LOVE.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 08/07/0806:39 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Well, I spoke to him about ow contact, and he denied it as I knew he would. He asked me if ow had called me, and I said no, was she supposed to. and then I said that maybe I should call her and he asked why I would, and I said to tell her that I still love my H and for her to be decent and back off. He then said it would be like something on jerry springer, and I told him that no, I am not a violent person, and that she is an intruder in our marriage, and I would just tell her to show some decency and go away.
Our S and I took the ugly stinky skanky wooden box ow made for H from its hiding place in the den, and took it to the woods, and took turns smashing it with and ax, and a sledgehammer, and then set it on fire. It took some time to burn, and it really made us both feel a little better to just get that trash out of our home. I went downstairs and got the cologne that ow gave him out of the box he put it in, and set it by the door to take it away, too, but I forgot it and he went down there on Sunday, and found it, and put it back in the box, so after while, if he hasn't taken it away, I will donate it to the thrift store.
I have felt a little bolder with bringing up stuff, and yet an awful lot sadder, too. He told me that he IS NOT going to leave me, and will still be here and our future is together. So, I am so torn up inside. Maybe he still can't let go of the supposed friendship he and ow had before it turned into an EA. I did tell him this morning, that NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT!!!! And, I always write him a note to put in his lunch. Well, this morning, I wrote a longer one, and told him to feel free to call ME to talk if he wants to, and how I really want for us to get back the closeness and friendship we used to have.
I just got a call from him telling me that my MIL is calling an ambulance for my FIL who has stage 4 cancer, and is getting very weak.
No, jak, I didn't tell him what my proof is, but now a new door has been opened in regard to proof, so that I need not let him know that I have access to all the calls on all the phones online. Last night S looked at his phone and told me ow's # was on it, so I am going to tell him about it being on his phone. I am prepared for him to tell me I am seeing things or am crazy.
But, the important thing, to me at any rate, is that HE will know that I know.
And I told him the other day, that no contact MEANS no contact.
I also am detaching from him somewhat, being nice, but not initiating wanting to be around him.
Last night, we went out shopping to get S some back to school gifts, and when we got back, he sat on the sofa, and I was on the other end, taking off my shoes, planning to go right back to the bedroom, but he held out his hand to me, and I asked him what he wanted, for me to pull his finger, or what. He said he wanted me to come over and sit beside him, so he could put his arm around me. Well, I let him for awhile, and then got up and went to bed.
I sometimes, even in the midst of crying and praying about this, wonder if I am beginning to in some ways to start to get over him. I hate to say that, but there is a new way I am beginning to look at him, and it makes me feel bad.
I will continue to stand for my marriage, though.
L
Oh, the contract thing he suggested was about what we expect. I am thinking of getting it up, with his help, and us signing it on our 25th anniversary this fall.
