On the bumpy road towards found...

[JWS]

(((((LOST)))))

kick butt, in a DBing sort of way!!!

[iamlost]

Thanks for the good wishes (((all y'all))).

Wow, just wow. In both good and bad ways.

Here goes: so he shows up at my place about an hour early (!). Luckily I was mostly ready, because I was planning on just relaxing and reading with a glass of wine before he picked me up to calm my nerves vs. rushing around getting ready. So, he changes into something dressier from his closet here, I get his opinion on should I wear stockings or no stockings with my dress, and then we take off.

Dinner was a mixed bag of flirtation (me looking right into his eyes works really well) a hug and even a little hand holding, along with some tension and some hostility from H. He was angry all of a sudden (though he's known for months) that I've been telling people a mild version of the truth of our problems (what I put in my very first post on this site) because even with that he feels like people who know think differently about him. I validated and said I understood, but I thought there was value in the truth for lots of reasons, including, for me, being able to share some of the pain that I've gone through. He's seemed to accept that.

So, when we got back, he parked and asked to come up to get some things. He then puttered around, packing a few things, and then asked to do something on the computer--it didn't seem like he wanted to leave.

So...then I asked him if I could sit on his lap while he was at the computer. To my surprise, he said, OK. So, I sat down, and pretty much immediately started hugging him, smelling his hair and kissing his neck. We then started kissing, and eventually one thing led to another and we ended up ML!

He went from being extremely passionate, telling me how badly he wanted me, being obviously pleased during ML when I told him I loved him, to after awhile, wanting to stop. (If anyone unfamiliar with my sitch is reading this and doesn't understand how he could stop like that, read the links in the text of the first post on this thread).

So, then he pulls WAAAAAAAY back (which I SHOULD have been expecting, but still didn't) and said this is a mistake, and we've already made the decision to end this and can't go back, and if I respond by asking him questions to clarify, he gets really angry and defensive, and if I agree and say, "you're right, it's over" his voice breaks (crying) and he gets quiet.

Beyond that, I spent last night tossing and turning with desire and fear. The fear part is that I wasn't sure whether I could trust him that he really hasn't ML with anyone else, and do I now need to be worried about my health, etc.? He told me that he would not risk my health, and that he hasn't ML with anyone else. I believe him.

Another complicating thing, is right after he left last night, I was thrown temporarily back into our M and thinking, even if we can get past this stuff and work on our R, we have his sexual issues to deal with, and can I deal with them? I felt empty.

Crazily enough, I just bumped into him at the grocery store--he looked happy to see me (!), and I was just shocked to see him.

All this stuff has really thrown me back into turmoil, I woke up happy that we ML, and now I've been crying most of the morning.

I feel like I'm living in Crazy Town.

[girlfromipanema]

I've been on pins and needles waiting for your update! I see lots of positives, but understand your very valid concerns. It's a complicated life we lead... Bleck.

I'm sorry you've been crying. Believe in your heart that things will work out as they should.

Sending my love,
gfi

[iamlost]

Thanks, GFI. I'm just so drained right now. I've experienced pretty much every emotion there is in the last 12 hours.

But...I have to immediately get back on the Detachment Bus--he's made it clear that ML did not change anything. Clearly, and in a really loud and angry voice.

In other news and along that same theme, I'm reading a really good book that I saw recommended to someone else on another thread. It's called Feeling Good by David Burns, M.D. He's a solution-oriented, cognitive psychiatrist. The book is apparently clinically proven to improve people's depression in 4 weeks just by reading it. I shiz you not.

It's too bad that the book advertises itself as being about depression, because I don't think most people even realize that they are depressed. I took the clinically-proven diagnostic test in the book, and low and behold--I'm moderately depressed! Turns out I was mildly depressed during my marriage, severely depressed right after the bomb, and now I'm just moderately. Lucky me.

Read it if you're depressed, but also read it if you want to improve your self-esteem and stop negative thinking patterns. That's why I got it, and it seems really good for that so far, as long as you're willing to do some work on changing the way you think about yourself.

I'm going to go curl up with it in a little while after I check on some threads...

[JCJ]

Hi Lost

Thinking about actions rather than words ml is a pretty major thing, especially considering his issues. I see it as a good, slightly bigger than baby, step. He is probably really confused right now, after all he has been telling himself for a while now that he doesn't want you - suddenly he finds he actually does.

After having to stop do you think he is feeling inadequate? Can you build up his feeling of adequacy? Reward good behaviour, don't make a big deal of it but I would let him know you were satisfied and that he was good, if you know what I mean

You did good my dear!

((((Lost))))

[iamlost]

Reward good behaviour, don't make a big deal of it but I would let him know you were satisfied and that he was good, if you know what I mean

This is a good idea, and I did do a bit of it. I told him what I told you guys that I couldn't sleep last night out of desire (and fear). I said that I had wanted him so badly, and had been fantasizing about doing just what we did. So, I hope that conveyed that I thought it was good/it was just what I had been hoping for.

[pisces9]

((Lost))
wow- your H seems so torn and that is good in terms of him not being sure. i know that feeling of being back to normal and then having to adjust again...

i would really pay attention only to his positive actions right now.

they can say things that are out of left field and then do something positive with their actions in the next breath...

i would say a lot of positives came up...so just keep listening and validating how he feels...anything he says you CAN handle...he has said it all by now so its all just more venting on his part.

i am happy to see you are learning so much about yourself with Felling Good, etc.

so whats on your agenda for the next few days?

[JCJ]

Maybe also say do it with actions if you can too. The brush of your hand on his arm and things like that in a 'ooh I've dropped my handkerchief' kinda way, show him that you find him sexy and attractive. You don't want to be full on so as to scare him off but he clearly finds you attractive.

See what works for you

[JWS]

LOST

I can only imagine that ups and downs that that must have put you through. I know that it was not perfect but I think it was progress at lest as far as him feeling comfortable around you. Remember to only look at his actions and not his words. He is getting closer to you. I think that the pulling back is totally normal. However it does not replace progress. Right after my wife pulled back she was right back to being friendly and even more comfortable then before.

I think that validating his performance is a perfect idea. Every man thinks in his mind that he is God’s gift to woman in the bedroom and if a woman supports that he feels like he is the king of the world. I imagine that a man with his problems would appreciate that even more. Remember that this is a new R so trust everything he tells you without holding the past against him until he proves other wise. Only hold on to the good from this experience. For a little while you got to be close to him, let that recharge your batteries and give you the strength to press.

At least it did not go the other way. At this point if I was to ML to my W I would be like an excited high school kid and it would be over in two seconds, where’s the fun in that. Just kidding but I think that with all that is going on the important part is the closeness not the sex. Good sex regardless of any issues takes closeness and understanding of the other person so don’t worry if that was not how you’ve pictured it.

[iamlost]

(((JWS, JCJ, Pisces)))

Thanks guys, as always, for your wise council. I will let him know that, even though I understand that it doesn't mean anything, that being close to him & ML was good--because that's the truth.

H was just so all over the map the evening and, especially, the morning after we ML--being happy to see me at the grocery store, to later yelling at me & threatening to throw his phone out the window, then to crying and not wanting to get off the phone. My DBing in response didn't seem to stop or even slow down his wild mood swings, just pushed them in a different direction. I'm worried about him, but I don't know how to express that, and probably shouldn't.

But I feel really solid today--going to read my book and work on me this weekend. I have to work a little bit, but mostly I will be doing GAL stuff. Artwork, exercise, and the like.

JWS, I plan on running today & Sunday. Would really like to do some yoga and meditation as well, but meditation seems to be the thing that always drops off my list. It's frustrating, cause I know it makes me feel better...

I'm going to try this other thing in Feeling Good about planning out your day to the hour and then commenting about how you feel doing each particular activity (or how you feel NOT doing it if you don't get around to it). I'm trying to give myself positive feedback for sticking to my GAL plans...