Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[Jeannine]

What I've been noticing on your thread for sometime is that you and your H, find and spend, quality time together on a regular basis.

This in itself is a powerful tool for rebuilding and maintaining a good M.

Things look really good for you from where I stand.

Jeannine

[sage]

Have a good date. I know you won't blow yours like I did my last one with junk emotional thinking! I LOVE reading all the positive interactions going on here.

Pam -- You know from reading my thread that I've blown more than one "date" with "junk emotional thinking" (this is an excellent phrase! I love it). Please cut yourself some slack, hon, you are dealing with a TON of stuff -- and doing it with remarkable grace , IMNSO. The key is, I think, increasing the number of times that you and h. get together when it is ENTIRELY and COMPLETELY positive....that builds a foundation for the blips or dips or backslides.

Can you try to figure out how to maximize the fun times while minimizing the opportunities for backsliding?

Maybe you guys are trying to spend TOO much time together at once?

Maybe you should go to a more neutral territory (not your house)?

What if you met h. at the movie theater for a movie? At a lunch place for lunch? Or coffee? Or a drink?

What if you limited yourself to spending 2 hours together instead of trying to spend more?

What if you picked an activity that had a natural boundary around it? (a movie, a walk of a certain distance, something like that?)

My 2 cents is that you're trying to do too much and it's backfiring.

I hope you know that I realize I can't imagine how hard this is for you...and I'm not minimizing your pain in ANY WAY. I DO know that building up a reserve of "wow, that went great" times WILL help. And one way to do that might be to lower expectations and time frames.

Sage

PS YES on DROPPING the ROPE re. house stuff. AND, notice all the great stuff he IS doing!

[sage]

What I've been noticing on your thread for sometime is that you and your H, find and spend, quality time together on a regular basis.

Definitely. Quality time is key for us. Even when the bomb fragments were still flying all over the place, getting out and seeing a movie or having a bite to eat just seemed to calm us down.

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I'm confident you are past the stage of blowing dates with, "junk emotional thinking".

I agree on NEEDING the ENTIRELY positive; as recurring saying from him is I can't have something go good, that I have to turn it around every time.

Trying to work on maximizing!

Some good thoughts here! Thank you.

Don't want to monopolize your thread with my problems.

So thank you and HAVE FUN!

[andrea]

Sage:
i am so glad my thread gave you some imputs, bc your thread gave me a lot of motivation and imputs...!!...
Get all the happiness you are sorounded by.... and receive a big hug from venezuela
Andrea

[sage]

Jouranalling...

Positives from yesterday:
1. Had a great movie date with h. He even said "I love going on these dates with you" -- that's cool!

2. h did a TON of work around the house yesterday -- fixing up the office, working through "our" list (nothing left on it for me!), etc.

3. h bought me a GIANT whoopie pie. I'm a bit of a WP fanatic so it was especially sweet of him!

I've noted a couple of things in the last few days....there's a definite "crossover" impact when I'm feeling stressed or anxious about work and my ASSumption that it's really about h....what I mean: sometimes I feel anxious when I'm AT work and I ASSume it's actually about h. well, this AM, I was able to SEE that my anxiety was about WORK not h. leading me to think that I need to stop ASSuming everything is anxiety about h.

When I've caught myself feeling anxious or scared in the last few weeks it's been when I start the "what ifs" re. the future....same old, same old stuff...but I've been much better about noting it and managing it.

Sage

[psluke]

It is all about managing isn't it? Something I still have to learn to do!

So GLAD your date went well. I think it is so cool that you guys are doing house stuff together and dating now!

I so want to be there!!!!!!!!! Maybe if I LEARN to work hard enough at the managing!

Thank you for all the logical help lately! I do so appreciate it! I pay attention I just am not always good at implementing!

[puckpal]

Sage,

If you get a minute can you read my sitch update.

I was reading some of the advice you were giving electra, and I'm wondering if the same may apply to me at this time. It seems we both have trust issues with our S's.

Thanks, I really apperciate it

Puck

[sage]

Journalling from yesterday...

1. went to the sox game with h and my brother. it was POURING when we got out of the car and I had a mild hissy fit about getting drenched. I was kind of a baby about the whole thing but h. handled it (and me!) with much grace and humor.

2. h thanked me for be a "super sexy score keeper" as we were going to bed (he taught me how to "score" baseball games this season so I've been scoring every game we go to!)

3. h thanked me for some stuff that I had done around the house!

***************
I've been listening to "Love must be tough" for the last few days. I'm not that far into it but so far I like it. It talks some about how people end up feeling "trapped" in marriages and try to escape and how the pursuing and clinging of the LBS only proves to make it worse. So far, the book doesn't seem any where near as fleshed out as DB or DR but it's been interesting so far.

I know that h. felt trapped in our m. both from what he said over the years and certainly from what he did. How could he not given my control tendancies and anger?

I've been struggling a bit in my head with how to avoid getting down this rathole again...in the future..whether it's 6 months or 6 years from now.

I guess it comes down to figuring out how to open myself up completely to my m. and to him (a sticking point in the past) while knowing in my heart that nothing is certain (in terms of longevity) and that not only ARE we both free to leave ...well, it's that freedom that might make it more palatable to stay.

Maybe partly the "I'll be ok no matter what happens" idea?

ah, well, I'll continue to muse on this but I'll also keep being happy and grateful for today, this minute.

Sage

[andrea]

Sage:
time to time i have been struggling bc the same question as you, yes, after knowing no one is essential for anybody to live happy, the doubt arise in us... sometimes i think in future, in 2 or 3 years in the future, and i am afraid we get on the same mistakes and monotony we were before separation... So, maybe this sacer isnt danger, bc it reminds us to always work on our M...!! and to always work on ourselves to look for some independence and happiness in ourself life..!!...
andrea