On the bumpy road towards found...

[iamlost]

Thanks for the good wishes (((all y'all))).

Wow, just wow. In both good and bad ways.

Here goes: so he shows up at my place about an hour early (!). Luckily I was mostly ready, because I was planning on just relaxing and reading with a glass of wine before he picked me up to calm my nerves vs. rushing around getting ready. So, he changes into something dressier from his closet here, I get his opinion on should I wear stockings or no stockings with my dress, and then we take off.

Dinner was a mixed bag of flirtation (me looking right into his eyes works really well) a hug and even a little hand holding, along with some tension and some hostility from H. He was angry all of a sudden (though he's known for months) that I've been telling people a mild version of the truth of our problems (what I put in my very first post on this site) because even with that he feels like people who know think differently about him. I validated and said I understood, but I thought there was value in the truth for lots of reasons, including, for me, being able to share some of the pain that I've gone through. He's seemed to accept that.

So, when we got back, he parked and asked to come up to get some things. He then puttered around, packing a few things, and then asked to do something on the computer--it didn't seem like he wanted to leave.

So...then I asked him if I could sit on his lap while he was at the computer. To my surprise, he said, OK. So, I sat down, and pretty much immediately started hugging him, smelling his hair and kissing his neck. We then started kissing, and eventually one thing led to another and we ended up ML!

He went from being extremely passionate, telling me how badly he wanted me, being obviously pleased during ML when I told him I loved him, to after awhile, wanting to stop. (If anyone unfamiliar with my sitch is reading this and doesn't understand how he could stop like that, read the links in the text of the first post on this thread).

So, then he pulls WAAAAAAAY back (which I SHOULD have been expecting, but still didn't) and said this is a mistake, and we've already made the decision to end this and can't go back, and if I respond by asking him questions to clarify, he gets really angry and defensive, and if I agree and say, "you're right, it's over" his voice breaks (crying) and he gets quiet.

Beyond that, I spent last night tossing and turning with desire and fear. The fear part is that I wasn't sure whether I could trust him that he really hasn't ML with anyone else, and do I now need to be worried about my health, etc.? He told me that he would not risk my health, and that he hasn't ML with anyone else. I believe him.

Another complicating thing, is right after he left last night, I was thrown temporarily back into our M and thinking, even if we can get past this stuff and work on our R, we have his sexual issues to deal with, and can I deal with them? I felt empty.

Crazily enough, I just bumped into him at the grocery store--he looked happy to see me (!), and I was just shocked to see him.

All this stuff has really thrown me back into turmoil, I woke up happy that we ML, and now I've been crying most of the morning.

I feel like I'm living in Crazy Town.