Issue: Issues around mistrust and fear led to me keeping h at arms length and questioning his trustworthiness Goal: I will treat h. with trust and respect. I will work on and manage my own underlying insecurities Actions that work: * NO SNOOPING * Keeping my own PMA high -- through exercise, diet, doing things that make me feel good about myself * Meditating EVERY day. Meditating in crisis moments * Thought stopping -- using stop sign techniques to stop thinking about OW, fantasizing about bad things happening. * Getting enough sleep. * Not drinking too much * Asking myself "is this TRUE or my ASSumption" when faced with a negative thought * Listening to audio tapes on many topics * Being 100% present when h. is being wonderful and loving to me...really feeling the hug, the ILY, the kiss, whatever. * Noticing the wonderful things that he does for me, that he does around the house and thanking him for them * Getting through periods of insecurity and doubt by asking myself what's going on...WHY I'm feeling insecure or upset * Keeping myself busy -- with work or school or life in general * Recognize that MY job is controlling MY behaviors. Shedding the responsibility I've ASSumed for H's behaviors * Building up other areas of my life so my sole focus isn't h.
Issue: My lame attempts to control Goal: I will drop my need to be in control of everything. I will drop my belief system that control = safety. I will focus on and control MY actions. Actions that work: * I have dropped the rope on making all decisions. I would say that I make 0% of HIS decisions (but offer input if asked) and less than 50% of our small decisions (dinner, etc) and about 50% of our big decisions. * I've stopped believing that it is my job (or heck, my right) to "edit" h -- his thoughts, behaviors, actions, moods, anything. I'm doing well on the tangibles (actions) but still struggle with the intangibles (thoughts and moods). * When confronted with my own desire to "direct" I stop myself and ask "is this really my issue to control? Can I let someone else decide this?" * I've recognized and acknowledged that h is a grown man and perfectly capable and willing to make decisions for himself and for us. This recognition REALLY came from my dropping the rope and noticing the things that he does every day. * I've stopped planning everything. I am grateful and enthusiastic when he makes a plan for us. * I ask "what do you think?". I say "will you take care of this?". AND THEN I STAND BACK. * I've calmed down a lot. I do about 50% of the needless activity that I used to. I talk 50% less than I'm inclined to.
Issue: I failed to keep up my PMA, my life Goal: I will DB for me. I will do actions and activities that make me feel good about myself. Actions that work: * Exercise 6x a week * Eat healthily * Hike * Go to movies * Read books that interest me * Meditate * Explore Buddhism and compassion training * Focus on work when at work (um, may need to work on this one!) * Be active with volunteer job * Don't confuse work woes with home woes * Work on goals around the house * Contribute thoughtfully to BB * Make plans with friends and sister * Spend time with dad, stepmom and brother * Do nice things for h. to show him I care * Note and appreciate the hard work I have done in the last 9 months * Cut myself some slack!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
