Trixi trying to find moorage

[Dom R]

I just need to get to the point that I don't care how he responds to that.

actually, maybe just the opposite. Maybe what would be even better, would be when you get to the point where if he responds negatively, you get pissed, and say, "FINE, the hell with you then!"

you may interpret that as "dont care". I would interpret it differently.

Or perhaps by "dont care", what you meant was "ready to kick him to the curb" or "not afraid of him rejecting you".



PS:

Because obviously, he will NOT respond in the way I hope

I dont think you can know that for sure. It's a matter of whether he really believes you are serious, and mean what you say, about "shape up or ship out".
If he BELIEVES you, I think he might respond positively.
Trouble is, right now, you've given him no basis to believe you.

[NikB]

Um..... 3 months ago? 6?

Dom.. tell us what ya really think!

For the record, I agree. I'm not saying it's time to give up your M yet, but I'm saying it's time to make him work for you.

I guess I just don't know how to play a middle ground without it looking fakey or punishing. I need a "how to be a bitch" coach. (And by 'bitch', I mean someone sassy that doesn't give a crap what some jerk thinks/does.)

Hmmm.. that's close I think. I'd say more along the lines of be harder to get. Someone who demands to be treated WELL and with respect.

I'll try to give you some specific detailed ideas based on your posts. Sound good? I know this stuff has mostly already happened, but maybe specifics will help with handling similar situations in the future?

I mentioned one already - in response to his "bailout" text, reply "Sorry, have plans."

The Sunday thing being researched by me was because he came over Saturday night, we watched movies, talked about whether we should go jeeping on Sunday (original idea he had) and decided not to go because the weather wasn't supposed to be nice. SO, while he was in the shower, I looked online for a new 'thing' for us to do instead of 4x4ing and found this event that was a couple hours away that had the Kinks and Smashmouth at the day before (no one "special" on Sunday.)

Next time... make him do the work. If he doesn't, oh well, he doesn't get to spend the day with fabulous YOU!

Anyway, when I said the "maybe next year" thing, I actually didn't intend it to be anything other than a passing comment. It looks like something fun to do. It wasn't meant as a test- but he probably took it that way.

I can almost guarantee he did. Especially based on your history.

Tonight was Spanish. Before he left, he said "I'm jamming Saturday,so we can do something Sunday if you want.

Gee... what a romantic invitation. "Have fun jamming. Sorry, I'm busy Sunday."

And maybe Friday go see a movie or something."

Ooh and even more romance...

It sounds like he's offering you his time as though it's some sort of gift to you. YUCK.

IOW, I did not ask about the weekend.

No... you didn't ask about it, but you let him get away with a half-a$$ed "semi-invitation" again.

Did you ever read forever21's story? Her sitch reminds me a bit of yours at this point. Her H wanted her back but he didn't want to work for her. She finally got strong enough to tell him "That's not good enough. I deserve to be woo'd." It's true for you, too, Trixi.

That half-invite, half-controlling your weekend thing that he did is not good enough. Not even close.

Try something new!! Please?!?!

Make other plans for Friday night and for Sunday. Spend time doing things that you want to do, either alone or with people who actually VALUE the time that they spend with you, and act like it.

The following weekend he is doing a boys camping weekend and I am going to a glass gathering, so we won't see each other that weekend, nor the Wednesday before.

Good!!!! I'm so glad to see you doing something fun for yourself.

Question - did you plan the glass thing before or after you found out about his boys camping weekend? Would you have planned it if H was around and "might" decide to grace you with his presence?

[Trixi]

Heya-
first things first regarding the glass weekend. When H and I went to the Steely Dan concert, I said "oh, don't rent the Harley for the weekend of the 23rd, I'm busy" and his roommate says "dude, don't forget the 23rd the boys camping weekend." So, I brought it up to say I was busy, and the roommate reminded him that he was busy too. Kinda bummed it worked out that way. Would have been better if he hadn't been busy too. oh well.

This has been a really tough week; I am crying all the time now. I feel like I missed my golden opportunity and now it's too late. I am exhausted at night,..that is, until I lay down to sleep, and then my mind races and I feel SO disappointed, sad and alone.

I'll see if I can track down forever21's story.

Or perhaps by "dont care", what you meant was "ready to kick him to the curb" or "not afraid of him rejecting you".

Yeah, that's what I meant by "don't care". Because at this juncture, I am 99% sure he would reject me. I am 99% sure he would say "See, we always end up in this place [with him wanting to leave], so we should just call it quits."
If I would have exerted pressure when he was saying I was winning him back, I might have made headway because he was 'feeling' loving towards me.

SIGH
Sniffle

[Purple]

Hi Trixi....come check out my thread in Newcomers, I'm in the same position. I am trying to detach and not care about what he gets upset about...not doing a very good job, and he's not even in the country!

[NikB]

(((((Trixi)))))

I think you need a hug more than anything right now.

I'm so sorry, I know how hard this all is.

I'll post more soon.

[NikB]

(((Trixi)))

Happy Friday! At least, I hope it's a happy day for you.

On the weekend - yay!! You know how glad I am to hear that. It doesn't matter if he's busy or not - what matters is you made plans to do something you enjoy regardless of what H was or wasn't doing.

While I realize I could be wrong, I strongly believe that you did not miss a golden opportunity. It's all too common for us as the LBS to think that there IS one golden opportunity, magic moment, etc. that will fix things. I think in reality that's rarely, if ever, the case.

I should mention in forever21's case - she is either D'd or almost D'd now and has moved on to a new R. I'm not saying I think that's where you're headed, just wanted you to know that. I see similarity in her H just not stepping up, and in her getting strong enough to demand more. That's what I hoped you could get inspiration from.

If I would have exerted pressure when he was saying I was winning him back, I might have made headway because he was 'feeling' loving towards me.

You know... I actually strongly doubt this. Pressuring him to reconcile fully would likely have pushed him further away. So quit beating yourself up on that ok?

Where I think you could have made more headway - AND STILL CAN - is detaching, getting strong on your own, respecting yourself, and demanding that respect from him.

Be the PRIZE that HE is trying to win. If he doesn't try hard enough, he doesn't get the prize.

Pretend you're a single girl who's dating. I know, I know, it's been awhile and you're thinking "how the heck do I do THAT?" but really think about it. Got any single friends you can ask and they can help give you the "rules" of dating? Heck maybe even one of those cheesy dating books would work... I dunno. Something to get you into that mindset.

Once you're there, see if H is worth dating. Does he measure up to your standards? Does he do enough to convince you to keep seeing him?

I hope that helps some..

(((Trixi)))

[NikB]

Quick question for you Trixi - what 180s have you tried lately?

[NikB]

One last post then I'll shush til you have time to reply.

I just saw this advice from Phoenixdeux posted to someone else, and thought it would be relevant for you too:

"Guys don't really go for the woman that they could have easily. You're an easy catch for him...at best a backup plan should the single life not work out. Detach a little more, be more dark (since you don't have a definite reason to keep in touch), and see if he starts to worry that you might be moving on without him. Do you hate the thought of him with someone else? Well, despite his words, he'll hate the thought of you with someone else, especially if you work towards being the most attractive you can be. Get your act together, be happy, be full of life...that's attractive."

[NikB]

How ya doin Trixi? I hope you're having a good weekend!

[Trixi]

Thanks for checking in Nik.
This weekend is 'eh'.
H did call yesterday and we went to a very nice dinner and to see Tropic Thunder.
Nothing signifigant happened. No R talks. (Finally! ha ha)

I could have (still could I guess) go up to a friend's family party, but I have a dog head bead/jewelry order that is coming due. So I got on the torch and I can't seem to make a decent dog head to save my life. I need to stop accepting special orders-sucks the fun right out of it. Anyway, I am taking a small break to see if I can get my mojo back.

...
you asked what 180s I've done lately. none, lately. shoot, if I keep doing 180s, I'll end up back where I started. Although, I AM anxiously awaiting our tax refund so I can start an exercise program with a personal trainer. That would be a 180 for me.

That thing you posted from Pheonixdeux thread was really good. Not that I am going to do anything about it right now, but it's good.

I think I just figured out my "problem". Reading the Pheonixdeux advice ("Detach a little more, be more dark (since you don't have a definite reason to keep in touch), and see if he starts to worry that you might be moving on without him") made me realize that in my case, I would have to actually break up with my H. And if I break up with him, I need to be ready for the possibility that it could fast track a divorce.
Intellectually, I know that if that happened, it was probably going to happen sooner or later, but emotionally, I am just not ready to go there.

So, yes, I am shackled/trapped right now because H and I are "exclusively dating" and I am not ready to call him out. I don't know how to "exclusively date" someone and also "move on" "go dim",etc. Now if H was saying "IDLYA", "we're getting a D", etc, then it would be 'easy' to do that.

am I making ANY sense?
lol