Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[sage]

Wow...I haven't posted on my own thread for 3 days...what's up with that?

Still have some "homework" to do -- been spending a lot of my BB time over in Newcomers tossing out my 2 cents.

Things at home are great. We had a really nice weekend together (H was gone during the days but we had dates each night!). I went into work late yesterday morning so we could go for an EARLY morning hike (can you say "we left the house at 5:20 am"??? ). He just called to let me know that he's off to the market to get stuff for the grill...gonna be watching the ALL STAR game!

Positives abound....
1. H called a bunch of times today -- to read me stuff from a book, to check in, to tell me about dinner

2. we've both been sharing the load of cleaning up at home (that decluttering thing!) and thanking each other

3. h has been making a super conscious effort to be frugal and sensitive to my money worries -- this is a big deal to me as it was something that I'd always felt I cared about much more than he did!

4. I'll admit to some moments of panic yesterday (just "things feel so good" stuff gone awry) but I got through them myself with some self-talk, activity, etc.

Will be back with more "homework" when I get my work done (tomorrow? day after?).

Sage

[holdingon]

Can you visit my thread: holdingon in MLC forum. I have gone dark and want to know your opinion. Thanks

[erinr]

Sage,

After being gone from the bb for awhile, I'm glad to come back and see that things are still good for you and H. Keep up the good work. The people in newcomers really could use your wisdom. You've got this DB stuff down to a T!!

[sage]

Erin -- Thanks so much for the kindness! I really hope that you stick around...not cause you NEED us but cause we NEED YOU!

Sage

[sage]

Just journalling a bit...

Freaked myself out some over the last few days -- combination of being overwhelmed at work + things feeling really good at home + me going out last night. Started ramping up the ILYs and interactions with h. a bit -- too much -- and then felt weird about not getting what I EXPECTED (that was the BIG mistake!). For example, left h an ILY phone message yesterday (because I DO) but then felt bummed and distant and annoyed and hurt and insecure and...you get the point...when he didn't even mention it.

Note to self: tell h. ILY to let him know that NOT to gain some perfect reaction from him.

SO....decided to back off and cool down. I think I'm stressing both of us out.

Got to work this AM and after a few hours went into my purse for my cell. Found that h. had written me an ILY note and put it in there! Awesome.

We've got a relaxing weekend planned, my boss left for vacation this afternoon...life's looking good.

Sage

[Padawan]

My W and I used to say ILY all the time, but since the bomb we are still hesitant to say it at all. However, I have noticed that in real tender moments, tender comments are well recepted. It seems to be better for us when its not just saying ILY when on autopilot.

If its said too much then it seems to be tipping their hand to us, which they are always reluctant to do at this point. Even when they are maybe 95% sure they are doing the right thing, that 5% seems to tell them to hold back (frustrating isn't it).

PS - Kudos on the ILY note

[sage]

Allright...back at it...

Issue: Issues around mistrust and fear led to me keeping h at arms length and questioning his trustworthiness
Goal: I will treat h. with trust and respect. I will work on and manage my own underlying insecurities
Actions that work:
* NO SNOOPING
* Keeping my own PMA high -- through exercise, diet, doing things that make me feel good about myself
* Meditating EVERY day. Meditating in crisis moments
* Thought stopping -- using stop sign techniques to stop thinking about OW, fantasizing about bad things happening.
* Getting enough sleep.
* Not drinking too much
* Asking myself "is this TRUE or my ASSumption" when faced with a negative thought
* Listening to audio tapes on many topics
* Being 100% present when h. is being wonderful and loving to me...really feeling the hug, the ILY, the kiss, whatever.
* Noticing the wonderful things that he does for me, that he does around the house and thanking him for them
* Getting through periods of insecurity and doubt by asking myself what's going on...WHY I'm feeling insecure or upset
* Keeping myself busy -- with work or school or life in general
* Recognize that MY job is controlling MY behaviors. Shedding the responsibility I've ASSumed for H's behaviors
* Building up other areas of my life so my sole focus isn't h.

Issue: My lame attempts to control
Goal: I will drop my need to be in control of everything. I will drop my belief system that control = safety. I will focus on and control MY actions.
Actions that work:
* I have dropped the rope on making all decisions. I would say that I make 0% of HIS decisions (but offer input if asked) and less than 50% of our small decisions (dinner, etc) and about 50% of our big decisions.
* I've stopped believing that it is my job (or heck, my right) to "edit" h -- his thoughts, behaviors, actions, moods, anything. I'm doing well on the tangibles (actions) but still struggle with the intangibles (thoughts and moods).
* When confronted with my own desire to "direct" I stop myself and ask "is this really my issue to control? Can I let someone else decide this?"
* I've recognized and acknowledged that h is a grown man and perfectly capable and willing to make decisions for himself and for us. This recognition REALLY came from my dropping the rope and noticing the things that he does every day.
* I've stopped planning everything. I am grateful and enthusiastic when he makes a plan for us.
* I ask "what do you think?". I say "will you take care of this?". AND THEN I STAND BACK.
* I've calmed down a lot. I do about 50% of the needless activity that I used to. I talk 50% less than I'm inclined to.

Issue: I failed to keep up my PMA, my life
Goal: I will DB for me. I will do actions and activities that make me feel good about myself.
Actions that work:
* Exercise 6x a week
* Eat healthily
* Hike
* Go to movies
* Read books that interest me
* Meditate
* Explore Buddhism and compassion training
* Focus on work when at work (um, may need to work on this one!)
* Be active with volunteer job
* Don't confuse work woes with home woes
* Work on goals around the house
* Contribute thoughtfully to BB
* Make plans with friends and sister
* Spend time with dad, stepmom and brother
* Do nice things for h. to show him I care
* Note and appreciate the hard work I have done in the last 9 months
* Cut myself some slack!

Sage

[sage]

Hey Padawan....Thanks for visiting! I'll stop by your thread too when/if you're ready to tell us your story. I've noticed a few other posts from you on the boards and have liked what you've had to say!

Sage

[puckpal]

Sage,

Went to go print your past post(s) to get some insight on your sitch.......Looks like I'll need to bring a full ream of paper and a couple of ink cartriges home with me tonight in order to do that. LOL

I look forward to learning more about you and your H's sitch and offer any support if I can.

Dan (AKA Puck)

"everywhere you go, you are always there"

[Hud]

sage

I've visited your thread some but never posted because I don't think I could add anything to your great DBing.

At the risk of sounding selfish, I wonder if you could visit my thread in Newcomers - "Advice ASAP Please!"

As it stands, I may be on the verge of piecing, but I don't want to mess anything up at this delicate stage, and could use the advice of someone who's been down this road.

God bless, and thanks

Hud