Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[sage]

Allright...let's see if I can be less verbose and more action oriented....

Issue: Failure to appreciate h.
Goal: I will appreciate h and convey that to him
Actions that work:
* Drop all expectations of the "right" way to do something
* Accept and remind myself OFTEN that I am not h's boss, keeper, mother
* Note and thank him for the things that he does around the house! Do this EVERY day.
* Note and thank him for the things that he does that make me feel loved. Do this EVERY day.
* Note and appreciate and thank him for the things he does that make him a great husband and friend; a great "catch".
* Compliment him. He deserves it.
* Put my m. first. It comes before work, school, everything.
* Let h. make his own decisions. Let h. make decisions for US. ("let" sounds funny here -- but you know what I mean)
* When you hear h's decision or suggestion, DO NOT edit it. Accept it unmodified.
* Say "would you handle that?", "would you decide that and let me know?", etc. DROP THE ROPE
* Learn more about the things that he is interested in. Watch the movies he likes with him, go to ball games and pay attention, etc.
* Do fun stuff together -- movies, dinner, hiking, etc
* Remind myself that h. is vulnerable too.
* STOP ASSuming that he has bad motives. TURN those ASSumptions positive.
* Let him be in terms of space and time away from me.
* Cheerlead! Let him know that you think he will be successful and WHY!
* Make a list of rooms in the house/areas to unclutter and GET TO IT.
* Establish the timeline for running errands or do them yourself.
* Let go of your anger through meditation, exercise, listening to audiotapes on Buddhism/compassion.
TO DO: Reread 5LLs.


Issue: communication blockers
Goal: I will listen fully to h, manager my reactions and be appropriately assertive in expressing my needs
Actions that work:
* I give each conversation with h. my FULL attention -- there are NO distractions when we are talking.
* I do not interrupt his statements.
* I say 50% less than I think to say. I wait longer before starting to speak to give him time.
* When h. says something that I react badly to...validate (reinforce what he has said) and say nothing if you can't say something neutral or constructive. WAIT to respond, rediscuss until your reactions are under control.
* State what I need in simple, direct, short sentences.
* STOP INTERPRETING HIS MOODS, SILENCES. STOP.STOP.STOP.
* Ask a simple question (are you in a bad mood) that does not ASSume the answer or make a judgement.
* DO NOT edit his statements.
* Learn more about assertive communication techniques.


more to come.
Sage