Here's my horoscope for today:
Imagine being blindfolded and then taken for a walk. You are led to a ledge and then instructed to jump. You stand there psychologically preparing yourself for a brave leap into a chasm. You are flexing and tensing your muscles in the hope that these will absorb the impact when you finally land. Yet in fact, you have only a couple of feet to fall! In a way, this is exactly what is happening to you now! You can't quite see what is coming next so you are preparing yourself for the worst. But it is actually going to be fine.

Some positives, too:
1. h called this afternoon. He only had a few seconds (he's been working this week) so it just made it feel all the more wonderful -- to know that he took a few seconds out of a super busy day to call me!

2. h. asked me to tell him all about my day when I got home last night and he seemed really interested! I love it when he shows an interest in the minute details!

3. Got a date tonight...not sure what we're doing (movie? dinner?)

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Had C. last night (solo). I wasn't enthusiastic about going because I'd been feeling pretty emotionally settled. Wasn't keen on stirring up anything. We talked a bit about bounding the problem -- focusing on one thing and one thing only. We decided to address this cyclic issue I have of things going well, I start feeling anxious, I bring up ow, h and I distance from each other, etc.

Some of this is a rehash but it's pretty clear that when things start to feel TOO GOOD, I panic. I'm partly panicking because I'm afraid of getting too close, getting set up (if it's so good and he leaves won't it be worse than this time around?), partly because I'm feeling as though I don't know how to take our m. to the next step.

I freak out and bring up the ow in order to create some distance again. I KNOW that h will retreat. I KNOW that I will be anxious and pissed off and back in my comfort zone. Bringing up the affair is a strong message: no matter how bad of a wife I might be (past, present or future), didn't you do something worse?

It's a crappy form of pseudo self protection.

I don't want to make myself feel like crud anymore. I don't want to make my h. feel like crud either.

We talked about needing an action plan to get through it next time...to feel the fear, the anxiety, etc, and just get through it. (feel the fear and do it anyway! ) I also need to be prepared for the idea that maybe h DOES retreat a bit because it gets too close for comfort for him, too.

Anyway, just some ramblings.

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.