Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[shinybear]

Hi Sage!

I Haven't read through your last 6 messages, but wanted to post on this one first. Sometimes I forget what I want to say .

First, thanks for your post on my thread.

But more importantly, I think you made a MAJOR observation tonight...about how H distances himself from people when they are "down".

Very interesting. A few things come to mind: 1) He doesn't know how to respond, what to say, do, feels uncomfortable...maybe there's some of that guy thing in thinking he has to "fix it" somehow??

You know your H best, what do you think??? (Yeah, it's probably 2 posts down )

2) I think it's vital that you see this is a pattern of HIS and thus can externalize A LOT of what you've been internalizing...that it's YOUR flaws, deficiencies etc that are to "blame"

Okay, better keep reading!

Shiny

[shinybear]

Wow!

Great job with the analysis! I copied your original list, worked on it (my version) for a couple of hours and haven't touched it since .

I hate to say it but I feel like one of those kids in school who wanted a shortcut by borrowing my lecture notes!!! ...But just reading through your stuff allowed me to query my own progress and actions in each area.

I certainly wouldn't "green light" myself on any more than you have (if as many). But it seems to me that there were enough of your "blue posts" that should rightfully be half green as it was only the interpersonal realm that dragged your rating down...the rest of the stuff is important too!

Good job, and sorry for cheatin' off you!

Shiny

[sage]

Hey Shiny,

I love that you found something useful in my list! Are you going to post any details on your actions, responses? Like you said, sometimes just reading someone elses can get you thinking about your own stuff differently..

Sage

[sage]

Here's my horoscope for today:
Imagine being blindfolded and then taken for a walk. You are led to a ledge and then instructed to jump. You stand there psychologically preparing yourself for a brave leap into a chasm. You are flexing and tensing your muscles in the hope that these will absorb the impact when you finally land. Yet in fact, you have only a couple of feet to fall! In a way, this is exactly what is happening to you now! You can't quite see what is coming next so you are preparing yourself for the worst. But it is actually going to be fine.

Some positives, too:
1. h called this afternoon. He only had a few seconds (he's been working this week) so it just made it feel all the more wonderful -- to know that he took a few seconds out of a super busy day to call me!

2. h. asked me to tell him all about my day when I got home last night and he seemed really interested! I love it when he shows an interest in the minute details!

3. Got a date tonight...not sure what we're doing (movie? dinner?)

************
Had C. last night (solo). I wasn't enthusiastic about going because I'd been feeling pretty emotionally settled. Wasn't keen on stirring up anything. We talked a bit about bounding the problem -- focusing on one thing and one thing only. We decided to address this cyclic issue I have of things going well, I start feeling anxious, I bring up ow, h and I distance from each other, etc.

Some of this is a rehash but it's pretty clear that when things start to feel TOO GOOD, I panic. I'm partly panicking because I'm afraid of getting too close, getting set up (if it's so good and he leaves won't it be worse than this time around?), partly because I'm feeling as though I don't know how to take our m. to the next step.

I freak out and bring up the ow in order to create some distance again. I KNOW that h will retreat. I KNOW that I will be anxious and pissed off and back in my comfort zone. Bringing up the affair is a strong message: no matter how bad of a wife I might be (past, present or future), didn't you do something worse?

It's a crappy form of pseudo self protection.

I don't want to make myself feel like crud anymore. I don't want to make my h. feel like crud either.

We talked about needing an action plan to get through it next time...to feel the fear, the anxiety, etc, and just get through it. (feel the fear and do it anyway! ) I also need to be prepared for the idea that maybe h DOES retreat a bit because it gets too close for comfort for him, too.

Anyway, just some ramblings.

Sage

[sage]

Allright...let's see if I can be less verbose and more action oriented....

Issue: Failure to appreciate h.
Goal: I will appreciate h and convey that to him
Actions that work:
* Drop all expectations of the "right" way to do something
* Accept and remind myself OFTEN that I am not h's boss, keeper, mother
* Note and thank him for the things that he does around the house! Do this EVERY day.
* Note and thank him for the things that he does that make me feel loved. Do this EVERY day.
* Note and appreciate and thank him for the things he does that make him a great husband and friend; a great "catch".
* Compliment him. He deserves it.
* Put my m. first. It comes before work, school, everything.
* Let h. make his own decisions. Let h. make decisions for US. ("let" sounds funny here -- but you know what I mean)
* When you hear h's decision or suggestion, DO NOT edit it. Accept it unmodified.
* Say "would you handle that?", "would you decide that and let me know?", etc. DROP THE ROPE
* Learn more about the things that he is interested in. Watch the movies he likes with him, go to ball games and pay attention, etc.
* Do fun stuff together -- movies, dinner, hiking, etc
* Remind myself that h. is vulnerable too.
* STOP ASSuming that he has bad motives. TURN those ASSumptions positive.
* Let him be in terms of space and time away from me.
* Cheerlead! Let him know that you think he will be successful and WHY!
* Make a list of rooms in the house/areas to unclutter and GET TO IT.
* Establish the timeline for running errands or do them yourself.
* Let go of your anger through meditation, exercise, listening to audiotapes on Buddhism/compassion.
TO DO: Reread 5LLs.


Issue: communication blockers
Goal: I will listen fully to h, manager my reactions and be appropriately assertive in expressing my needs
Actions that work:
* I give each conversation with h. my FULL attention -- there are NO distractions when we are talking.
* I do not interrupt his statements.
* I say 50% less than I think to say. I wait longer before starting to speak to give him time.
* When h. says something that I react badly to...validate (reinforce what he has said) and say nothing if you can't say something neutral or constructive. WAIT to respond, rediscuss until your reactions are under control.
* State what I need in simple, direct, short sentences.
* STOP INTERPRETING HIS MOODS, SILENCES. STOP.STOP.STOP.
* Ask a simple question (are you in a bad mood) that does not ASSume the answer or make a judgement.
* DO NOT edit his statements.
* Learn more about assertive communication techniques.


more to come.
Sage

[sage]

OK..I'm a little bit all over the map. Probably won't get to finish the other "issues" today -- will address this weekend. Oh, and did anyone REALLY think I'd manage to post my goals in a CONCISE manner? Nah, me neither.

So...in the spirit of never giving up...here are my "top threes"

Top three things that really work great:
1. Noticing and thanking h. for the positives -- work around the house, his interactions with me.

2. Dropping the control rope. Giving up my monopoly on decision making.

3. Shutting my mouth and listening.

Top three things that still need work:

1. Managing my reactions to h. when something he's said or done hits a hotspot for me.

2. NOT interpreting his moods/silences and NOT MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. I honestly believe that when I stop this, SO MANY other things will GO AWAY!!!!

3. Self-soothing when I get anxious. Having an ACTION PLAN for the next period of intense insecurity.

Sage

[shinybear]

Any idea when you'll have ALL your homework done, you're holding me back here! J/K!!!

Again, wonderful stuff, some I can outright steal!


Shiny

[sage]

Ah, SB, you crack me up! I'll likely get to more of it today...h is off working so I'm flying solo!

We had a great night last night...went to the movies and dinner. 3 positives:

1. after the movie, h and I had a great conversation about the film. we did this the other night too. It's weird, it feels like old times, really getting into these kind of discussions! I felt like I was truly on a date.

2. I had picked a new place to eat but I didn't get directions and we couldn't find it. This would have previously sent my h into a semi-fury but last night he was really reassuring and not angry AT ALL. Said as long as he was with me he didn't care where we went!

3. Got some great hugs and ILYs.

4. Got some of my "homework" done. I'm feeling good about that...I definitely think that I can really hone in on the things that aren't going well -- so many things are working, though! the big one is the ASSumptions and interpretations. Gonna work hard on that one!

Sage

[Dagny]

Sage--great anaylsis and it looks like all your hard work is paying off. I guess I am also looking for a short cut, but think I need to follow your lead of making my own list and working on it.

Jackie

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I think I need to look over what you are doing here and take my list and work on it the same way!

Haven't been doing much with it since Monday. CRAZY WEEK!

Thank you for the great input on my thread!!