How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ?

[SingleDad]

I have been posting on other forums for a couple of months now - I thought I'd post on the Divorce Busting forum... I did read this book but not the Divorce Rescue book. Along with many other books and a personal talk w/ Dr. Harley - my chances are so limited as my separation process is too far along.

Here's my story.

W wanted divorce Jan 24 - two months of legal expenses and anguish. Both agreed to go to mediator instead. The legal separation started June 12, assets have been divided, and STBXW bought her own house and moved out June 27 - about 5 miles away. She has her freedom and independence at last.

We have a 2.5yo daughter together and joint shared custody - I get 3 overnights each week, she 4 overnights, including alternate weekends

I've learned since this process started in January, my STBXW the reasons for her actions as she sees it.

1. I could never understand the kind of love she needed (I do now, though not sure if any one could ever satisfy her wants)
2. We were never even friends
3. I never understood her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. (she never told be what they were - I had to figure it out for myself - Now I understand more after doing a lot of soul searching and spiritual reading)

Despite her current beliefs (she is steadfast in wanting a Divorce)- I think there is a miracle of hope that we can start from scratch and re-build some sort of relationship - maybe not the same as a marriage...

Now that everything is settled and I have given her everything in the process (lump sum to buy a house, child support, freedom, etc). We are now civil/friends for our daughters sake. W never gave a glimmer of hope that divorce isn't emminent 365 days from then.

Despite the fact that she separated from me because she wasn't feeling loved by me - now that she has made up her mind - she gets angry if I tell her I love her, I miss her, call her dear or honey... She doesn't want any pressure from me to get back together... Thus I have stopped being clingy, desperate, etc.

But How do I show her I love her more than anything if she refuses to let me express it... I have learned about her emotional needs - I what to satisfy her needs - but have limited time with her to be able to meet her emotional needs. Also she is so angry - anytime I try to express my love - the devil comes out of her to put up the ice wall to protect her emotions.

I have tried NC and LC and most of Michele's 180 techniques - but nothing seems to have any effect. The marriage fell apart as we drifted apart and focused on our daughter. I do not see how a limited communication between us or my being strong independent "I can take care of myself" could ever win her back if that is a major cause of our separation...

I think I have to show her my love subtly, keep up the communication, really listen to her when she talks, do what she wants and agree with her is the only chance I have left. That is what Dr. Harley "His Needs, Her Needs" told me specifically in a personal 30 minute telephone call and e-mail.

The biggest problem is our daughter's dropoff and pick-up is at daycare so we could actually go a month without seeing each other - I have to call her directly to talk and try to most days to have us each say goodnight to our daughter. - but often those calls are just 30 seconds with no other conversation.

My thought is maybe if we are friendly, it would give us something to build on over the next 12 months. Yes I know I need to build up myself, etc. Is it also possible that if we can cooperate and not argue over the next 12 months that our marriage can be repaired - or at least give it an attempt... I truly believe that the 12 month separation is specifically designed to provide breathing room, to be apart, see what its like, whether apart is better or worse - etc.

Of course, It could all be a lie - she could be in love with someone else... but of course she could learn this guy is a jerk...

Anyway, despite the odds, I do not want to give up hope that some miracle is possible... so my only course of action seems to be to continue to give her what she wants and be friendly and see if anything comes of it...

And yes I keep wavering between hope and reality...

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated

(I can read posts today - but then away from my computer until Aug 20- when I am back)

Thanks, SingleDad