Need advice about H and OOW

[lovehopefaith]

You need to be in a place of strength.

So....what would PUT YOU in a place of strength?

And .... how would you know you were there?

This is what I keep working at -- getting stronger. I know I have control issues, but right now I feel very out of control in everything in my life.

Before this bomb I never even questioned my H's love for me or our family or our life, and this has really shaken me to the core and made me feel completely insecure. I guess I took our M for granted, which contributed to my role in the state of the marriage.

To be stronger, I think I would need to feel like D and I could survive on our own, financially and emotionally. And then there's the rejection issue, that H has all these issues with me and doesn't "love" me in that way.

What would put ME in a sense of strength? Not feeling dependent on H at all. And right now I do, emotionally, financially and physically. What would make me stronger to deal with this?

Detaching, obviously, for the emotional part. And I'm in IC, which helps. And this BB, of course, for support.

Getting a full-time job, obviously, for the financial part. I'm working on that -- but my plan involves getting my teaching certification which means I can't teach until next fall. However, I've signed up for substitute teaching this school year for experience and extra money.

The physical need to be with my H intimately? Can't do anything about that.

Also, the "physical" need for my H to do things around the house? I can start to do things, but I know that might "set" him off -- he doesn't want me touching the lawn mower or even doing home improvement projects, although he puts the mowing off and doesn't do the latter at all anymore.

So that's it. And right now, I continue to try and work on saving my marriage unless I get so fed up I can't take it anymore. But I want to continue to try and ride the roller coaster.