Maybe that utter geekiness will help me focus my efforts.
Quoting sage: Actions related to my mistrust and fear
* I/ve never trusted h (well, MEN) and instead of dealing with that personal issue myself, I let him know it over and over again. So, 180 is to recognize the problem as my own, work at it, shed my ASSumptions about trust, not kneejerk to not trusting, etc. Giving myself blue 'cause isn't recognizing you have a problem the first step?
* I think I've shied away from letting h. really get close to me -- have built up walls of independence and resentment and anger and chilliness out of fear, drive to protect myself. 180 is to open my heart. To let him embrace me, to let him love me, care for me, tend to me, etc, without pushing him away. This is a toughie. You guys know that when things start going too well I end up freaking out....I am working at relaxing into h's love. I need to articulate this better!
* I made h feel like I thought he was a bad marriage risk 180 is to not ASSume and articulate that h is a bad m. risk. Well, this is a tough one but DB'ing and these boards and everything have opened my eyes to the notion that h is actually quite a good risk.
* I've made my insecurities seem like his problem 180 is to accept ownership for my insecurities. I'm doing that. * I create chaos when things are going well as a way to manage my anxiety This is a redux. Need definite action plan for next time I feel freaky.
My lame attempts to control
* I eventually tried to take control of all decisions -- I'd alternate between being angry as hell and resentful about it and craving it 180 is to drop the need for all control; to turn over many decisions (large and small) to h. I'm actually doing great on this one, I think.
* I overanalyze things and am in constant motion -- always doing something, fixing something, feeling as though something could be improved -- oftentimes the message was that he could be improved? So the 180 here is to calm down, stop "chewing things up and spitting them out", definitely stop making HIM feel as though he could be improved through my helpful "suggestions" etc. I believe that I have made good progress in this area in regards to HIM, I'm not so sure that I've struck a good balance as far as I'm concerned...I'm seeing a correlation between my times of anxiety and heavy duty phases of trying to fix myself.
* I acted too grown up, too responsible and acted as though I was the only adult in the r. 180 is to acknowledge h's contribution to the m, to acknowledge his "adultness". I have done this well.
* I never dropped the R. rope and let h. pick it up. Eventually I was the one planning everything, deciding everything, heck, saying everything! 180 is to drop the rope. Stop doing all the planning. Let him plan. Enjoy his plans! Let him decide! I have done well with this. * I set boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behavior instead of just stating clearly what my "bottom line" was and living with it This is kind of a redux of some others. Need to work on direct statement of my boundaries and not personlizing his reactions.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
