Going Nowhere

[KPK]

Hi all. Haven't posted in quite a while, just busy trying to keep my head above water. Couldn't get my previous link in, but story is same as most here- ILYBNILWY July 07, not attracted to you, it's all your fault, probable OW, H moved out 3/15/08. You know the story. Sees the kids (and therefore me) all the time, and is a good father, but no movement on me. I've DB'd my butt off, feel good about myself (unless he's yelling at me for something irrational), but I feel like giving up on the M at this point. Communication with my H has become very difficult- he's always angry with me, I can never do anything right, and apparently now am a bad mother too. I think my S4 is starting to have real issues with the situation- he's become alternately very clingy and needy, then angry and aggressive. He tells me he's sad and angry that daddy is gone. H says that it's my fault- I'm passing those emotions on to him. But i'm really, really not! I'm very careful to be composed for S4 and D7. While dropping the kids at H's house tonight I asked H if he'd be willing to see a counselor who deals with families going through this sort of crisis, to a) see if the kids are handling this ok and what we might do better, and b) to work on our "communication" issues so there's less anger and misunderstanding (and yelling at me). Basically co-parenting counseling. I made it very clear this is not marriage counseling (he's adamantly opposed). He said he'd consider it as long as none of the discussions touched on our marriage or marital problems because he has no interest in working on them; he likes me as a person, but has no romantic or sexual feelings for me (the usual). I said fine, he then said I looked "troubled." I said not "troubled", just still having a hard time letting go of things, and of hope; he said he understood. Then I left. I'm just so tired and depressed; I needed to vent a bit. Holding on to hope is hard, and I think mine is starting to slip away. Thanks.