I know, I know...it does seem almost cruel, doesn't it? I have to laugh though...the thing is that men and women really have so few ways to learn more about each other and what makes them tick. You know? I know that part of my own self-education about men in general helped me SO MUCH in becoming the HD woman I am today. And to get that self-education I did the following things:
*Sneaked around on men's forums to read them in their natural habitat, bantering with each other...trying to find out what they say when women aren't around.
*Polled my male friends and my brother about their thoughts and feelings...asked them direct questions and then asked them to explain things I didn't understand.
*Polled my female friends about the bizarre behavior of their partners/husbands and compared notes between them, myself, and other females, trying to find the "averages" and similarities.
*Read lots of books and other materials.
*And of course...my current fiance has taught me so much more and has given me avenues to be able to use my new found knowlege.
So my thinking is that decent, married men who love their wives, such as the wonderful guys around here, probably have few ways to gain direct knowledge about women from women. There are of course 100's of books out there, but sometimes it is better to hear from an actual woman that you know (even if only on-line). Books are so easy to "dismiss" sometimes, and I was guilty of that a lot in the past. But what my friends said was always held higher in my mind and I could retain the knowledge much easier.
I want to pay-it-forward, too. That may not make sense to anyone but myself, but I have a need to "give" and one of the things in my possession to "give" is the knowledge of how to seduce a woman....this knowledge is now so much keener that I also have some knowlege about men, finally, too. That was not the case when I was younger and married.
And also, IC, I don't know if you saw on my other blog...but I am bi-sexual. And this gives me an even better, more practical knowlege of what MEN have to put up with in order to be in a relationship with a woman. I have been there and done that and I can empathize. It is so difficult! But also so rewarding, if you can get it right.
I don't mean to make you guys all hot and bothered, and I do apologize. Also, my fiance would be aghast if he knew I was "giving advice to guys about how to pull a woman's hair". LOL! But he knows me, he knows my intentions really are to just be helpful, that I am not trying to personalize any of this to an extent that it would be flirty or whatever. If he were to read through all of my posts on this forum and others where I contribute, I know he would be nothing but proud of me, as he would see the theme running through all of my posts of genuine helpfulness to people who need support.
So anyway....I will try to be back later with a few more sexy tidbits....lets turn all these sexless marriages around, and soon! Even if one person gets one little bit of help from any of this, I will be so happy. Even if I never know about it and it helps someone who reads but never writes to me or whatever...true giving is its own reward.
DQ, I think you are doing a great service here and I could have used you around here 9 or 10 months ago, but I found my way to basically what you are walking some of the others through.
and about this....
Originally Posted By: "The Torturous DQ wrote"
And also, IC, I don't know if you saw on my other blog...but I am bi-sexual.
Really killin' now aren't ya!
-IC
"you can't see what you can't see until you visit ftio.com"
Well to make matters worse, I am also built like a mudflap.
I can't help it, I'm just drawn that way!
But hey...sometimes the creator makes you a certain way so you can reach certain people. It is all part of the glorious plan, or that is what I believe anyway.
Hey folks...I actually have another topic to discuss today....
PORN!
Yay, porn. Right? Most people are going to think that most women have the same view on porn...I want to assure everyone that I do not have the same view as most women. I do not demonize men for viewing it, and I do also fully understand it personally (because I enjoy it too, and much more than the average woman does).
But there are 3 facets to porn that make me, in general, against it. Here they are:
1. It is addictive. Now, if you don't have an addictive personality or you are somehow exempt from the addictive effects of porn, then you may feel this won't apply to you and you will probably poo-poo it. The bottom line is though that it doesn't matter if you don't feel you are an addict-candidate...you still need to "use" not "abuse", and be careful! I have found that healthy men who do not have an addiction issue in general and none toward porn, but who do view it, just don't "get" the fact that they still MAY develop the addiction over time. So anyway....use not abuse! Use in moderation. Use in a KNOWLEDGEABLE way...don't just use at random and assume it can't/won't hurt anything. It can! It does! Don't fool yourself! (I will possibly come back later and relate a more personal story about this).
2. There is a double-standard here. It is this: most men claim they would not/do not mind their woman looking at porn, but that is not actually true! They WOULD mind it, especially if she was sneaking around to do it, if she was looking at stuff that gave you pause (ie: really bizarre or stuff that includes people who look a lot different than what YOU consider sexy), or if she was sending and receiving porn from "friends". Men just don't know that they would mind, because women are not typically viewing it and sneaking around and emailing pics to their friends. If women were doing this, if this was typical behavior for women, you can bet that men would not stand for it and there would be a lot more uproar about how dangerous porn is, that uproar being made by MEN. If men were in women's shoes in this regard, they would suddenly understand a whole lot better why women seem to get "insecure" about porn. It is not considered insecurity though, when a man doesn't want his woman sending porn videos to her best guy friends at work - even though he is doing the same thing! In a man's mind, he seems to think that he is "different" in his need for porn and justifies it that way, and at the same time, he justifies the double standard that way. But please believe me guys...you would NOT like your woman sneaking around to view it on a regular basis!
3. Now this is the truly important issue here....
Do people understand how powerful the mind is? Do you know how powerful our thoughts are, particularly thoughts that are charged in any way? Thoughts actually preceed reality. You could even say that thoughts create reality. And no matter how you may want to tell yourself that your fantasies and thoughts are private and therefore should be "harmless", this is untrue. Thoughts are never private, no matter how you want to believe they are. They do not just "go nowhere". Thoughts are the catalyst of creation. They do "go somewhere" and they do cause creation.
So...when it comes down to viewing porn, the thoughts you are having DO MATTER. And what are you "saying" with your thoughts at that time? I mean really "saying", to the universe? To the rest of creation? To yourself and your self-image?
My opinion, is that when you are viewing porn for self-gratification alone, what you are "saying" with your thoughts is something like this:
"I fantasize about OTHER people having great sex, but I myself do not have great sex, I only pleasure myself and watch THEM do it, but I am somehow not worthy of having great sex like the people on the screen are".
???
Do you see why this is not condusive to helping YOU get any closer to good sex? It only reinforces the idea that you DO NOT have good sex, while others DO have it, and all you get to do is watch the video evidence. You are pummeling your mind with this idea every time you view porn alone. And then...that thought, which is extremely charged, goes forward into reality and starts its own creation....
If people really understood just how important ALL of your thoughts really are. And thoughts that work AGAINST your own self-esteem (even if you don't realize you are doing it) should be avoided!
And here is another thing...if you watch porn, but you would not be turned on by watching porn of YOURSELF (ie: you are insecure, overweight, don't like the way you look, don't have skills, etc), then again, where is there anything healthy about this? If you would not watch yourself on video and be turned on, then you have some work to do. Why salivate over SOMEONE else's fantasy, when you should be working toward creating and bringing to reality your OWN fantasies?
- - - - -
I know that many men feel that they are only turning to porn because their wife is not available to them. But (I am sorry) I don't buy that. It doesn't really matter if your wife is available to you sexually or not. You are still making that choice. You CAN masterbate without porn, you know, and maybe if you tried that, you could conjure up some really cool mental fantasies about YOURSELF - instead of about those stranger's bodies on the screen.
I feel that using porn by yourself is something that can quickly turn self-indulgent. And just like over-eating, being over-induldgent really doesn't make you feel better in the long run.
Being healthy makes you feel better. How about learning to have a healthy mind full of thoughts and fantasies that actually HELP you move toward better sex?
- - - -
One last point, from my own relationship, neither of us is allowed to view porn alone. This is a safeguard for both of us. I could be sucked into it just as easily as any man and my fiance understands this. Therefore, the rule is not just for him but for ME. We do occasionally watch porn together. And I occasionally give him permission to use it without me for masterbation (this is rare...it has only happened once that I can recall and it was a special circumstance). I would never ask him to let me use it without him because I know it would freak him out. Lucky for me, he never asks me either.
One thing I do for fun though...
Since I know he used to enjoy the occasional email from a friend with porn attached, and this is now a no-no due to our agreement, so I will now once in a while go on-line, find a great anime pic (his favorite type - and that is ANIME not animal - LOL!), and email it to him along with a sexy note about how I'm gonna pounce on him later. So I have attempted to help replace his "fun" break in the day that way. He loves it, of course.
Porn can be great - it can be something you share with your partner - it can be great alone too BUT...you must be aware of how powerful your mind is, especially while viewing it.
....end rant. Feel free to point out the holes in my argument or generally debate or have a totally opposed opinion. It won't bother me one bit!
I completely agree, CAUTION use porn at your own discretion. I have sworn of of the stuff because I recognized how easily it can draw you into its trap and rapidly become addictive.
Yes Baggy, we did have a discussion about it....but I have revealed a lot more about myself since that time and I have also discussed new thoughts of my about the subject on this thread than I did on yours....particularly the "mind" aspect about porn.
But that is ok! No more discussion needed. (wuss)
Nah just kiddin'.
NTE - you have so much on your plate I don't blame you for not even wanting to think about it!
