Sorry I fell off the map. Just a bad weekend and then a bad day yesterday and I just haven't been up to posting. I have been reading though and learning (hopefully!)
Badcompany: I will read up on your threads tonight and see if I can help. Thanks for dropping in! We can get through this!
ITH: Thanks for checking on me. It's nice to know there are others out there looking out for me!
So my update. . .
I did end up texting him. I couldn't stay "dark" I was going crazy! And as soon as I sent a text asking about his new job opportunity he sent me a reply (like half a second later!) So we texted quite a bit about job stuff and life stuff. I have to admit I was the driving force, yet again, asking him questions and doing most of the conversation. There was some joking and stuff and it was all positive interations which is good but I hate feeling desperate, ya know?
Yesterday was just a bad day. . .Early in the morning I was getting ready to go out and do some shopping and other errands and before I was going I stopped to check on my gerbils (I have a pair of gerbils that my husband and I bought when we first got married because we could not have dogs or cats in our first apartment together) and one of them had died. I don't know how or why. She was only a little over two years old and they are supposed to live for 3-5 years. I burst into tears out of shock and sadness and could not stop crying. I called my husband right away and was bawling on the phone, poor guy didn't even understand what I was saying for a good five minutes. But when he figured it out he said he was just finishing something but that he would come up as soon as he was done to help me with her.
So he came over and we went to the pet store together to get new bedding and a new toy for the surviving gerbil and then helped me clean the cage and everything. He wrapped the dead one up and put her in a box and we went out and he dug a little grave and burried her. He even put a little headstone up so I would remember where she is at. It was very sweet and I am glad he was there to help me because I was a wreck! I think it hit me super hard because she was the first pet we bought together as a couple, our first little baby. And now the other one is so sad and lonely. I'm afraid she is going to die too but so far she is okay. I was just very emotional and as the day went on I got kinda bitchy. . .
After we burried her he was acting like he wanted to leave even though he had already said he did not have plans for the evening. I got upset by this because I felt like he was trying to run away. He eventually said that it was because he felt akward being at my parents house with my mom there (I don't exactly know why because my parents have been nothing but nice to him but whatever. . .) Anyways we had a mini-argument in the driveway and then my mom ended up leaving for a business meeting and so we had the house to ourselves. He ended up coming inside to go to the bathroom before his long drive home. However when he was done he came out and sat on the couch across from me. We were talking about us. All my great DBing kinda flew out the window but I am gonna blame that on stress. We talked about everything from why he did not want to stay to why he did not want to have any physical contact with me even though every time we go on a date we end up having sex. He used the classic WAS line of "I don't want you to get confused and think I am using you in case things don't work out between us" and I was like can we not just live day by day? Blah blah blah. It was a big backslide for me and I feel bad about it but it was like once I started talking I could not stop!
On the plus side the conversation ended well and we ended up having sex together. It was amazing and I am still confused as to why our sex life is better now than it was before. I guess it is just because we do not have the constant tension between us but that makes no sense because we had been borderline arguing earlier in the day. Oh well. Probably better not to question it and just enjoy it while it lasts!
Afterwards my husband wanted to get going before my dad got home from work (again did not want to be around my parents because he thought it would be weird.) We decided to go to dinner and then he would leave from there to go to back home. Well I needed windshield wiper fluid so he was putting that in my car for me when my dad pulled up and then my sister called me at the same time so I was talking to her while my dad and my husband were talking and they seemed to be just fine, they have always gotten along and hung out together from time to time. I guess that is an issue we will have to tacle in counseling, family issues on both sides.
We went to dinner and things got worse. I got kinda mad because he dropped all affection. I was like "we just had sex and now you won't even hold my hand in the middle of a restaurant?" WTF!!! It's soooo annoying. He said a few things to set me off and while I tried to hold back it showed that I was upset. Sometimes I think he is just pushing the boundaries of what I will and will not put up with. Because when I get quiet and look away after he says something rude he will instantly ask "what? Why are you cranky now?" That kinda thing. He knows what he said to piss me off so why does he ask that? And even if I honestly answer "I am upset because of XYZ" he will still push it later and rarely offers an apology. Come to think of it I cannot remember the last time he apologized to me! Grrr!!!
Anyways we finished our meal (which I paid for because of his job/money situation, he never thanked me. . .) and went out to our cars. He leaned against his car and we were talking a little about the day and how it had not gone that well. We would have talked longer but some vulture was sitting in his car waiting to take our spot when we pulled out (how rude is that!!!) so we cut it short. No hug or kiss goodbye. . .
I was so pissy. I was exhausted and irratated. Not a good combo. However! As soon as I got driving home I felt bad for some of the things I had said so I send a short text thanking him for coming to help me even though we did not have the best time and that I was sorry for being so bitchy. He wrote back "shrug."
Who does that!!!!
Here I paid for his dinner and put up with his crap and then I reach out and try to take the high road by apologizing to him for my bad behavior and not mentioning his and that is all he has to "say"
I was/am so mad. He can be such a schmuck!
Ok venting over. . .
After a nap I wrote him a text and we talked back and forth a little bit and made tentative plans to meet up tomorrow for dinner and a movie. I'm just angry though and I have so many things that I want to say about his attitude but I'm trying to hold back and let it go and chalk it up to a wonky situation but it is so hard when I feel hurt and taken for granted.
He is supposed to call me later tonight to finalize our plans. I want to see him. . .sorta. . .but I don't want to fight after all of my hard work of trying to convince him that we don't have to fight and argue all the time.
Why can't our counselor come back into town tomorrow!!!
I'm just struggling with thoughts like "there has to be someone better out there" "I don't want this relationship to work out anymore" "It's not worth it" ETC.
Thanks for listening you guys. I'm gonna try to PMA and see what happens.
