But since W was so unwise as to let this transfer of preschools duty fall on my shoulders, I took the opportunity to cross-out OM's name and contact info from the sheet, and she's fairly unlikely to get a chance to review it herself now that I've turned it in. \:\/
I can be magnanimous and forgiving on a lot of things, but this ain't one of 'em, not where my children are concerned.
I've been home sick today and part of yesterday. I can't seem to shake this darn summer cold.
Bethie, I tried the Neti pot. It sure seemed to ease a lot of the pain in my nasal sinuses, but now the cold's gone down in my chest and I've about lost my voice. I'll keep trying it, however, to flush out the rhinoviruses that might return.
I had a long conversation with W this afternoon... or at least as much of one as I could given I could barely speak myself. I guess W liked having a somewhat "captive " audience, especially one that was not inclined to talk back to her. Why I let her carry on, I don't know. She discussed a bunch of things concerning the kids, and that's why I let her run with it. It was thus a relatively peaceful conversation as such. But she managed to lodge a few points that were back to her own selfish interests.
The closest I came to taking a more confrontational tact with her was when she began suggesting that if the house was empty after she vacates it in September -- because she is still wanting to move out and into an apartment no matter if the house is sold or not (go figure. she's insane.) -- and since I need to find a cheaper place to live, then I could move back into the house until it sells.
I was incredulous, and said, "What? You think I should move back into the house only to have to turn around and move yet again once the house is sold?"
She tried to rationalize saying, it made no sense for me to have to continue to pay for half the mortgage and then for an apartment on top of that. I laughed at the hypocrisy of what she was saying. I said, "You don't get it. Why do you think I volunteered to move out in the first place? So our sons will continue to have a roof over their head that is also a safe, secure and familiar place during all this upheaval. But you're willing to forgo that and have yourself pay for both part of a mortgage and for rent on an apartment?"
Then she tried to argue from the standpoint that this prospective apartment complex was filling up fast and she wanted to make sure she was going to find a place close enough that S7 could still stay at the current school. First of all that makes little sense because (1) there are beaucoup apartments being built and opening up all over the immediate area every day and (2) my own current apartment already qualifies for S7 staying right where he is for school.
She's grasping at straws now. I had already said she could stay in the house with our kids until it was sold, but she obviously wants out of it now. She just wants to play bachelorette and won't admit that's her real desire for getting out of what is really a cushy deal for her otherwise.
I didn't press it, but she could see now where I'm coming from, that she's being irrational and shooting herself in the foot.
She also wanted to make sure I would be around on the weekend of the 23rd since the realtor had scheduled an open house for that Sunday. She is planning to be out of town that weekend -- she's going to the beach for her birthday (her actual birthday is really on the following Thursday.) Naturally, I suspect this is yet another of her romantic getaways with the OM. It still stings quite a lot, but I think I'm doing well so far -- I have detached enough of late to realize that the further erosion of her soul has been insulated from my own to a large degree. So I said nothing. I have learned that I can no longer be accountable for her fate or her poor choices in life.
And then W mentioned something about having seen a lawyer, assumably to put one on retainer, and asked that I supply her L with the info for my atty. I told her I had a business card already that my L wanted me to give her L once I knew W had one in hire.
W began again to discuss some of the terms for the settlement. She actually still thinks she can call all the shots, draft up an agreement, and then have me simply sign her document or not. It never seems to enter her one-track mind that I have my own terms I insist on bringing to the table.
W then opined about how she wished I could have been reasonable with the so-called mediator she chose (I kept my mouth shut), and that because of that ( because I was just so unreasonable) all these additional costs for these lawyers were going to prove very costly to us (her) -- and that it was going to cost our S's financially as well, sadly, money that could have gone to them instead.
Oh, frakking boohoo! As if I was the one who wants this D! As if her breaking up our family is not going to cost our S's dearly, on all levels, as well.
I was so ready to get off that call by that time, I was so peeved. I was not feeling well already, and I did admirably well not to be drawn into any of her land-mined terrain, but her spew was straining my remarkably calm composure. She still holds to this pretense that she's an above-average nice, respectable and trustworthy person, when it is most painfully not so, not this alien. But I gave her nothing in this latest exchange and did not allow her to pull me into another conflagration. I got off the phone laughing hysterically with anger and pain (if that makes any sense) at how twisted and self-serving she has become.
W then opined about how she wished I could have been reasonable with the so-called mediator she chose (I kept my mouth shut), and that because of that ( because I was just so unreasonable) all these additional costs for these lawyers were going to prove very costly to us (her) -- and that it was going to cost our S's financially as well, sadly, money that could have gone to them instead.
My X has thrown the same thing at me as well, that our L fees were so high because I was so unreasonable, etc. I found a lawyer who would draft the agreement with two revisions for $750. So I did it.....then he filed for custody rather than try to negotiate the things he didn't agree with. So we wasted a lot of money on lawyers because I wanted outrageous things like splitting extracurricular costs and establshing college accounts and sharing future college costs. WOW, aren't I selfish! So he filed for custody and tried to scare me into signing his agreement. He went so far as to request a psyche evaluation for me thinking I would be scared and agree to his demands. That cost him $750 cash up front. Then we ended up signing an agreement two days before we were to go to court. All those fees and we ended up with something we could have had for $750. It is amazing how they twist reality isn't it?!
Last edited by bright_new_day; 08/14/0804:28 AM.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
W then opined about how she wished I could have been reasonable with the so-called mediator she chose (I kept my mouth shut), and that because of that ( because I was just so unreasonable) all these additional costs for these lawyers were going to prove very costly to us (her) -- and that it was going to cost our S's financially as well, sadly, money that could have gone to them instead.
Sorry you still feel bad, NC!!! Hope you feel better soon!
One thing I think you might want to do (or not) but it has worked for me, is to maybe agree with your W sometimes when she actually says something you can agree with. Obviously you can't agree with everything she says (unless you're crazy too) but like when she said about the financial costs something like You're right or I agree, divorce is expensive and not going to be good for the kids" or something like that and it's a little bit like the "truth darts" Puppy talks about maybe? I find agreeing with the crazy people makes them happy, or at least my H as happy as he can be anyway. Have you tried that yet? Karen
One thing I think you might want to do (or not) but it has worked for me, is to maybe agree with your W sometimes when she actually says something you can agree with.
Karen, my not saying anything in direct contradiction to her insane assumptions is about the best I seem to be able to muster. Part of me is terrified that the DB way of "going along" with what the WAS says and agreeing with them will be seen by my particular WAS as granting her license to proceed with more insanity. Give W an inch and she takes a mile.
More importantly though, she is going to find some way to do what she wants no matter what. And if that means she has to paint me as the villain to justify in her mind her treacherous behaviors, then there's really nothing I can say -- pro or con -- that will dissuade her.
Besides, I have to be honest with myself here too. On some things I might be able to either agree with her or, if not, at least be able avoid standing counter to her. But when the suppositions entail me agreeing that I am the total bad guy here and she's the innocent victim, I can't bring myself to do so. It sticks in my craw. The important point in this latest exchange is that she is saying I am the one who is costing the both of us and our children so much in money, time and resources because I refuse to go along with being railroaded by her and her obviously-biased mediator. It's like she's saying, "Shame on you, NCB, for not rolling over and dieing like you were supposed to do. Look at how that is robbing our poor innocent boys of what they could have had. How dare you defend yourself!" All the while shedding her crocodile tears.
I think the saddest thing is that she, in her twisted little mind, really believes, at least partly, this warped reality she presents. And I am doubly the bad guy simply because I just won't drink her d*mned kool-aid.
Hey, BND, On that note, I think W has developed a psychosis that is veritably DB-proof.
So if I give into her side of things, what would that really buy me? What kind of person would I be? How attractive a spouse would that really be? And even so, for how long would it last?
Her utter contempt and lack of respect for me as a human being, let alone as a husband or friend, is at the root of how she can remain so unchanged by anything I say or do, pro or con, DB or not.
DB asks us to wait out this insanity under the assumption it is temporary and the WAS will come to their senses. I am really beginning to fear that I might have gotten this all wrong from the start, that my W has regressed to what may be her "natural" state. I had supposed all these many years that her image as a Godly, honest, kind and responsible woman was her real character, and that her behavior now is an aberration. But maybe that "Polly Purebread" perception was all just a persona she took on when we began our R -- and the "alien" is her real character after all.
I'm still mulling it over and over in my mind. Maybe I am just trying to rationalize what cannot be rationalized or truly comprehended. But given the fact that my IC (who had attempted to be our MC in the beginning) asked me to read the book of Hosea and given all the conversations that we've had since that echo that passage, tells me that even he has been trying to get me to face the harsh reality about W.
Yes, Tal, my W is indeed some piece of work -- and one far worse than I had wanted to admit.
Thanks to all of you for listening to me as I try to work through this.
The important point in this latest exchange is that she is saying I am the one who is costing the both of us and our children so much in money, time and resources because I refuse to go along with being railroaded by her and her obviously-biased mediator. It's like she's saying, "Shame on you, NCB, for not rolling over and dieing like you were supposed to do. Look at how that is robbing our poor innocent boys of what they could have had. How dare you defend yourself!" All the while shedding her crocodile tears.
My X said numerous times how it was my fault we were spending so much on lawyers, that I apparently wanted to go to court. HE was the one who filed for custody after I gave him a settlement agreement. I only filed for divorce as a response to his filing. Yet he continued to insist that I was forcing the issue into court. He was nuts!!!!!! Well.....I guess he still is. He still pisses and moans about the agreement we ended up signing....the agreement HIS attorney drafted and advised him to sign. Yep, they really loose all touch with reality, and it really pisses the WAS off when we don't meekly comply with all of their demands!!!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I think my W is dragging her feet on filing because she'd really like me to file instead. That way she can place all the blame for the divorce as well as everything else squarely on me. She'd get to shed more crocodile tears and play up her "victim" status to her family and friends.
It doesn't matter -- the WAS always finds something to blame you with, no matter what.
---
Hmm, my friend "L" bailed out again on seeing another movie. I was going to invite her and a couple of other people to go see The Dark Knight today but L's STBX was giving her trouble over custody of their child. And another friend, "M", was invited to go to the beach with some other friends.
I guess that means I really need to focus on my writing and other things more important than watching a movie.
---
I noted that W has the Buick back. It's been missing for a couple of weeks -- S7 said that W let one of her "friends" borrow it. Very dubious. But now she has it back again, taking the boys out in it last night. This situation with this second vehicle stinks to high heaven.
I think my W is dragging her feet on filing because she'd really like me to file instead. That way she can place all the blame for the divorce as well as everything else squarely on me. She'd get to shed more crocodile tears and play up her "victim" status to her family and friends.
My X did the same. HE was the one who wante the divorce but in the end I filed for divorce because it was my only recourse. He filed for custody of the kids claiming I was mentally unstable. I had to fight back so I did. And in the end he can say that I filed for divorce. But I didn't pursue it and he filed the deposition to end the marriage. And 14 days later he married his "friend". Reaslistically, ther eis no DB'ing in the world that would have changed my sitch. He met the "friend" and decided he had to be married to her long before I realized what was going on, and nothing was going to change his mind. And he had the nerve to play victim as well. But in the end I know that although my marriage had problems I was always willing to put in the effort to make it work, he was not. I honored my wedding vows to the end and for that I am very proud. Be proud of yourself as well.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
