Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

Just wanted to stop by and thank you for the encouraging post. Guess I am just pretty down today. Since he was taking time to think I thought he would talk about his decision last night. He didn't.

But thank you that came at good time. Sitting at work crying a little bit. Sucks!

[psluke]

Sage you had posted while I was writting and I hadn't seen your post.

That all sounds so wonderful. Keep up the good work. I do understand about freaking and self soothing. Haven't got it yet but at least I know where you are coming from!!

[sage]

Hey all,

Just checking in...not much of note to post. WELL, I have been carrying around my list of actions from my 32 point "things I did wrong" list....but haven't posted THOSE yet. Guess I could do that this afternoon if all goes well (ie quiet) at work.

Going away this weekend with h. I'm looking forward to it -- some quiet time, a new locale, fun stuff, etc. Nice to be feeling calmer.

Positives from yesterday:

1. more ILYs both on phone and in person
2. couple of super cute phone calls yesterday
3. my thoughts of ow have abated a great deal.
4. got a date tonight -- casual dinner + movie
5. it's a LONG weekend!

Sage

[shinybear]

Have a fun weekend, Sage.

I think the realization of the reslilence of YOU, H and your M is a big one! Just imagine the ripple effect this will have next time you feel you've "screwed up"????

Good stuff!

Shiny

[sage]

OK, so, you guys all saw my list of 32+ things I did that contributed to the woes of our m. I had a moment today when I remembered h. taking me to a new restaurant for my bday one year and how concerned he was that I wouldn't like it -- it wasn't him just being insecure -- it was in response to how b*&chy I'd been in the past when things weren't perfect. arrgh. Anyway, it just made me sad to think about how much I've hurt him.

So, don't be alarmed, though, by this list (like, is she drowning herself in sadness?)...Just putting it out there so I can document/track my 180s.

I categorized the 32 point list into some common themes for ease of reading
what a geek.
*****************************

Failure to appreciate h.


* I would get angry when he didn't do what I thought he should do -- when he didn't meet the picture in my head

* I put the m. and h. behind other things (family, work, volunteer job)

* I didn't notice and appreciate the things h was doing around the house/for our r.

* I ASSumed that he was unable to be responsible/make decisions/be in control because his way didn't always equal my way

* I was always trying to "edit" h -- not accepting his statements, decisions, thoughts. Always had to put "my spin" (hoever slight) on it.

* I acted as though having a family together (kids) wasn't important -- eventually, I think I even started acting as though we (he?) couldn't "hack" having kids.

* I used words and actions to make him feel like a bad husband, not grown up enough, not responsible enough, not anything enough

* I didn't attempt to be interested in the things that interest him

* I acted as thought "his way" was almost right -- with this slight "my way edit"

* I failed to notice his romantic side, his vulnerable side

* I was a naysayer -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals

* I failed to respect his need for space, time away from me. Was always trying to get him to "open up"

* I haven't taken seriously his desire to have a clean uncluttered house

* I failed to respect his time -- while running errands, always added 2-3 stops he didn't expect

* I created chaos and crisis a lot cause that's my comfort zone and failed to see how much a calm environment means to him

Communication blockers


* I didn't fully listen when H talked --I'd watch tv, read, be on computer, etc

* I did not manage my reactions well to h's disclosures about himself that scared me, threatened me. Instead of seeing that as "my crap" I think I put a lot of it back onto him, made him feel ashamed, fearful, as though he had to hide himself from me.[\color]

* I haven't managed articulating my WANTS well -- I've been indirect, too cautious about telling him what I need. I should have been more direct and let his reaction just be his reaction.

* I interpret his moods, silences, etc. this builds a wall between us

* I often let things fester then blow up

* I fail to stand up for myself respectfully and let him manage his response

Actions related to my mistrust and fear


* I/ve never trusted h (well, MEN) and instead of dealing with that personal issue myself, I let him know it over and over again.

* I think I've shied away from letting h. really get close to me -- have built up walls of independence and resentment and anger and chilliness out of fear, drive to protect myself.

* I made h feel like I thought he was a bad marriage risk

* I've made my insecurities seem like his problem [\color]

* I create chaos when things are going well as a way to manage my anxiety

My lame attempts to control


* I eventually tried to take control of all decisions -- I'd alternate between being angry as hell and resentful about it and craving it

* I overanalyze things and am in constant motion -- always doing something, fixing something, feeling as though something could be improved -- oftentimes the message was that he could be improved?

* I acted too grown up, too responsible and acted as though I was the only adult in the r.

* I never dropped the R. rope and let h. pick it up. Eventually I was the one planning everything, deciding everything, heck, saying everything!
* I set boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behavior instead of just stating clearly what my "bottom line" was and living with it

I failed to keep my PMA

* Primarily post-A but I've failed to maintain my interests because I've been worried aout not being home

* I've been angry and resentful if he didn't show an interest in my stuff

Overall stuff I'm not sure where to put

* my constant drive for "more" left h with the feeling that I would never be happy "with him"

* I would have tacit expectations and then get angry/upset if he didn't respond the way I wanted

* I get all anxious and then seek reassurances from him in an overbearing way.
* Failure to treat/talk to h as a friend. I do and say things to him that I just wouldn't to a friend. [\color]

180s to follow. things "that work" too
Sage

[Jeannine]

Regarding your latest list:

Once again Sage, I can't help but think that you are the twin my mother never mentioned.

Jeannine

[shinybear]

Oh God, with the exception of the basic trust issues....IT's TRIPLETS!!!

In fact Sage, I think I may well print out your post so H can read it. I'll check off the stuff that applies to me (like 99%? ).

Soooo, in true "Cal" fashion I'll ask just what positive "actions" you intend to attach to this list???

(And no, it's not just so I can steal them!!!

Shiny

[Mfl]

Sage, Jeannie

make that triplets

Sage,

thanks again for posting to my thread. I'm always intending to post to yours but thought I would print out and read "your story" first. Do you know that printed two pages to an A4 sheet, printed on both sides, all your thread together look like the manuscript for a very long novel!!

I'm almost done reading it. You are truly amazing. Does your H have any idea how much you have put into saving this M? If he does he will surley love you with everything he has for evermore.

I love the way you methodically work through your problems and fears and turn them into actions. I have learned so much from you and your posts are so insightful.

There...as if you didn't have enough to make you feel great about yourself.

Things seem to be going good for you at the moment, you certainly deserve it.

Take care.

[Mfl]

Oh BTW, are those Jonathon Cainer's predictions you read for your horoscope. Spookily spot on aren't they?

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

Hope you have a great weekend. It certainly sounds like you have turned things back in the right direction.

I still can't thank you enough for your post yesterday. Your timing was perfect!

Maybe small hopeful step!!

Thank you! Love the list!!