Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[shinybear]

I'm not even through your thread, Sage, but I had to tell Tal and all that I LOVE the idea of those "best of" and "vision" threads...

Shiny

[shinybear]

Nicely put Jetho!

How can I put this? I don't know exactly when, or for how long it might last, but I'm having an easier time letting go of OW and suspicians...so just trying to contrast my sitch from an INNER POV.

CJ is spending LOTS of time on the computer these days. However I no longer feel any sense that he's "up to" anything. I don't even entertain the thought!

We have some not so great moments, I choose not to read dire meanings into them, and succeed most of the time . Things aren't exactly "sizzling", but I DO feel an inner peace about his A's. I had a "blocked number" hang up the other evening...noted it aloud and then went on fixing dinner. Nothing. If it was OW, hope she was happy to hear my voice (It's CJ's on the machine). I guess what I'm trying to say is what you already know! This is an INNER shift...

Now if I could just draw all of us a road map to get and stay here!

Shiny

[sage]

Another thing I was thinking about was two "theme" oriented threads. One would be for everyone to post nothing but things they LIKE about their H or W. Another would be to visualize what we want in our marraiges--as a way to set our own goals.

<snip>

What do you think? I'll start the Everybody's List of things they like about their spouses if someone else will start the other threads.

I think the threads sound like a fantastic idea!

Sage

[sage]

Thing is, I end up getting into a funk and it doesn't help our sitch any...as I'm sure it doesn't for you.

<snip>
It's more that I'm afraid of going back to previous patterns that led to her having an A in the first place. The irony here is that by projecting my fears onto her, I am the one repeating past patterns.

jethro -- two amazing truths from you! I know the funk VERY well -- it blocks my ability to feel good, to laugh, to act "as if", all of that.

And the patterns? well, that's for sure. Michele hit the nail on the head about cycles that partners get into...and how to get out of 'em. I get so frustrated with myself when I realize I've completely ignored the 180s and acted as if on autopilot once again.

I think I'm just going back to act "as if," and redouble my efforts on hitting her love language. I find that things are best when I'm doing that. What about you?

I gotta get back to where we feel relaxed. I know how to get there...going out, movies, hiking, relaxing at home. Me giving him some space, stop trying SO hard to make everything perfect. A bit of physical activity would help too .

Then, I've gotta get ready for the cycle -- AND BREAK IT this time!!!

Sage

[sage]

Turning my BAD ASSumptions AROUND!

1. h is "incapable" of honesty
h is perfectly capable of honesty and displays that often
2. h avoids conflict at all cost
Not so. h may not crave conflict (like someone we know!) but he does not avoid it at all costs
3. h will never tell me how he feels
Decidedly not true. h tells me how he feels often. Learning to listen more and take things more slowly would help this sitch a lot.
4. h wants out of our m.
h is home. h remains married to me. I have no evidence that h. wants out of our m.
5. h has continued contact with ow
h has stated on multiple occasions that he has ceased contact with ow. This is an ASSumption on my part. I have NO evidence that they are still in contact.
6. h is not willing or able to end a.
h has stated that he has ended the a. h. is a grown man who is perfectly capable of anything he puts his mind to. I have NO evidence that the a. is ongoing.
7. I am unloveable
well, now, that's just crazy talk! I am loveable to the nth degree!!!
8. h will eventually leave me no matter what I do
Unless I have suddenly developed the ability to forecast the future, this is bullS&^T. A bogus ASSumption based on my own fear and sense of inadequacy (see #7!)
9. h will go down this path again and have another a.
See number 8.
10. h doesn't care about my feelings regarding his a.
h has been present, apologetic and sensitive during multiple conversations with me about the a. h does care about my feelings re. the a.
11. h. doesn't love me
h tells me that he loves me verbally every day. h shows me that he loves me every day through his actions.
12. I will never be able to satisfy h's relationship needs
This is not true. I am perfectly capable of satisying my h.
13. h is looking for an escape route
ASSumption. h is home. How is it that I've made the mental leap to him "looking for an escape route"??
14. if h loved me he would tell me how he feels about things
h does tell me how he feels about things. it's not always in my timeframe or how I expect it.
15. if h loved me, he would apologize for a.
h has apologized for the a.
16. if h loved me, he would reassure me when I ask for it
the crappy cycle we get into has nothing to do with whether or not h. loves me. I KNOW this is an area that I need to work on .... soothing myself, not setting him up, asking for help in a way that opens the door to him giving it, accepting if he is unable to, etc
17. if h loved me, he would make a grand gesture re. a.
Another ASSumption that has nothing to do with his love for me. I need to let go of my desire for the grand gesture. It's the wrong place to put my energies.
18. h will never forgive himself or believe that I truly forgive him.
I cannot read h's mind. Nor can I read the future. I am responsible for my forgiveness of HIM and of MYSELF. That's where I should focus. h is capable of managing his own emotions and forgivenss!

[sage]

I wish this guy would move into my house and give me pep talks every day! My horoscope for today:

You are beginning to feel thoroughly fed up with a particular person or a certain situation. You keep wondering what kind of a mistake you have made. In fact, you have nothing to regret, apologise for or "undo". All that's needed is an even more enthusiastic attitude on your part. There is a way to take a tough scenario and turn it into a source of pleasure and satisfaction. It involves storming ahead with energy, belief and commitment -- regardless of how much cynicism, doubt or negativity surrounds you -- or indeed, emanates from within your own mind. Just ignore it all now please.

[psluke]

Wow Sage

Talk about an inspiring list! Your turnarounds on your list are great! I hope it inspires me on coming up with actions to turn around my list!!

Your horiscopes always seem so right on when you post them. I guess since you can't move him in though you will have to give your own pep talks. And when you get good at it give me some pointers PLEASE!

[Topaz126]

Hi Sage, Great title. I'm still working on my list. I'm also working on my history to start my thread. I'm pretty busy here at work and time is limited on the computer. Don't worry, I'm still reading at home.

Love the list. I printed to help me out on my assumptions. I hope that your attitude rubs off on me. Mine is in the toilet. I'm upbeat, but indifferent on what my outcome is.

Update on H: Went from nice to me to short with me. Like H can't stand me. H makes lots of snide sarcastic comments since Sunday afternoon. No clue what I did now. H chgd just like a switch. You know what, I'm not asking. H is a big boy he can tell me. I'm acting "as if" nothing is wrong on my end. No hurt looks or agressive behavior. I will admit to avoiding H because of the comments. I'm tired of the game and really don't want to put up with H's attitude.

Check back later. Keep working on the goals. I'm still in Chp 3.

PS: I need to check my horoscpope too. Your's was good.

[Dagny]

Sage,

Your cycle sounds exactly like what was going on here last week. Now in a better frame of mind, the trick seems to be stopping that first set of thoughts. Your list is great, did you print it out? Seems it would be helpful to read over the entire list of positive things when you are feeling unsure about H. See if that can stop the cycle, having in print all the things he is doing.

Jackie

[sage]

It's amazing to me how resilient my h. is and our m. is. I guess I'll throw myself into that pile, too -- how resilient I am as well!

What do I mean? Well, after the crappiness of last week, I realized that I had two main goals:

1. To get back to the baseline of "good feelings" -- where h. is saying ILY, I am saying it, we go out together, we relax together, h plans dates, I plan dates, h initiates, I initiate etc

2. To get through my next freak out phase w/o blowing up, looking for reassurance, freaking out, etc. To "self-soothe" so to speak.

Here's our progress re. goal #1. Over the last 24 hours, these things have happened:

1. I went to bed before h. last night (he stayed up to watch the end of the sox game). He came in about 15 minutes later -- I commented that it was quicker than I thought it would be -- he said "the sox tied it up. I just came in to give you a REAL goodnight kiss since this may take a while". He gave me a wonderful kiss goodnight.

2. h called yesterday in kind of a bummer of a mood. he had been trying to start cleaning the cellar but was overwhelmed. I think I did a good job validating and suggested that he hold off on the cellar and that we would both clean it together on Friday. Turns out, he cleaned it anyway, seemed cheered up by it and very thoughtfully suggested that I shouldn't clean the cellar because I have a bad cough and the dust would aggravate it.

3. h was charming this AM -- still in bed while I was up and about leaving for work -- he was just smily and told me I was "cute" and was very loving.

4. h. called this AM to sing me my "good morning, I love you song" -- too totally adorable.

I am a lucky woman. I have had so many chances to rebound from my "cycle". My goal is clear. My h. is loving and loveable. I am committed to goal #2. If I start feeling insecure again, I will be armed and dangerous with DB techniques!

Sage