Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[sage]

Turning my BAD ASSumptions AROUND!

1. h is "incapable" of honesty
h is perfectly capable of honesty and displays that often
2. h avoids conflict at all cost
Not so. h may not crave conflict (like someone we know!) but he does not avoid it at all costs
3. h will never tell me how he feels
Decidedly not true. h tells me how he feels often. Learning to listen more and take things more slowly would help this sitch a lot.
4. h wants out of our m.
h is home. h remains married to me. I have no evidence that h. wants out of our m.
5. h has continued contact with ow
h has stated on multiple occasions that he has ceased contact with ow. This is an ASSumption on my part. I have NO evidence that they are still in contact.
6. h is not willing or able to end a.
h has stated that he has ended the a. h. is a grown man who is perfectly capable of anything he puts his mind to. I have NO evidence that the a. is ongoing.
7. I am unloveable
well, now, that's just crazy talk! I am loveable to the nth degree!!!
8. h will eventually leave me no matter what I do
Unless I have suddenly developed the ability to forecast the future, this is bullS&^T. A bogus ASSumption based on my own fear and sense of inadequacy (see #7!)
9. h will go down this path again and have another a.
See number 8.
10. h doesn't care about my feelings regarding his a.
h has been present, apologetic and sensitive during multiple conversations with me about the a. h does care about my feelings re. the a.
11. h. doesn't love me
h tells me that he loves me verbally every day. h shows me that he loves me every day through his actions.
12. I will never be able to satisfy h's relationship needs
This is not true. I am perfectly capable of satisying my h.
13. h is looking for an escape route
ASSumption. h is home. How is it that I've made the mental leap to him "looking for an escape route"??
14. if h loved me he would tell me how he feels about things
h does tell me how he feels about things. it's not always in my timeframe or how I expect it.
15. if h loved me, he would apologize for a.
h has apologized for the a.
16. if h loved me, he would reassure me when I ask for it
the crappy cycle we get into has nothing to do with whether or not h. loves me. I KNOW this is an area that I need to work on .... soothing myself, not setting him up, asking for help in a way that opens the door to him giving it, accepting if he is unable to, etc
17. if h loved me, he would make a grand gesture re. a.
Another ASSumption that has nothing to do with his love for me. I need to let go of my desire for the grand gesture. It's the wrong place to put my energies.
18. h will never forgive himself or believe that I truly forgive him.
I cannot read h's mind. Nor can I read the future. I am responsible for my forgiveness of HIM and of MYSELF. That's where I should focus. h is capable of managing his own emotions and forgivenss!