Reason to Believe on the Lake Erie Shore

[smartcookie]

I wish we could do this over the phone, or something. I hate that I may say something to piss you off, or send you to a worse place, or that you can't hear my tone. Just know that I care, & I am trying to help. Even if I sound like I'm being a sarcastic bitch, that's not how I mean it. okay ?

<<<what's more difficult? forgiving the LBH for his f ups or forgiving yourself for putting up with them?

For me, it's harder to forgive myself. One of the side effects of the childhood abuse is to turn the blame inward on myself.

<<My issue, today, after some time to think about it, is that i'm having a ton of difficulty forgiving myself.

It will take time. You now know better, & you now are doing better. You didn't wake up every morning thinking "okay today I'm going to be a narcissitic idiot". You were trying to manage. & you had a ton of side stuff going on.

<<and why i have my doubts she'll come back.

put those doubts away for now.

<<i want you all to understand something.......at the start of our R, my W and I were not the model couple.

Seriously, I don't know anybody who is the model couple.

<<<i drove her to counseling because i told her i couldn't keep having sex with her

Okay, you gotta know I'm gonna say this with love, but why the HELL didn't you drive YOURSELF to counseling ? Why was it her problem that SHE needed to be fixed ??

<<the problem was is htat i really started to care about her......and wasn't ready to be in an R.....

Yep, that's my point. You needed C too. Save yourself first.

<<she coudln't handle it....drank about half a bottle of vodka that nite.....

so she wasn't healthy either. She should have driven herself to C.

<<that summer, she did the same thing with my roommate. we forgave each otehr.

Okay, so now you're even. You guys had a symbiotic relationship. Bees need flowers, flowers need bees. You also "do" mutual threatening wounds.

<<i got bitter. chauvinistic. i wanted to be the one to provide for her.

that was the psuedo issue...what was the real feeling behind that ?

<<then i got my job the next year..the bitterness was still there.

see, pseudo issue.

<<she'd never had an orgasm with me. let's just say she was uncomfortable with................something that would help with it. liked to give it...not to receive it....weird.

not really, but this is another topic for another day. When you're stronger. By the way, it has nothing to do with your skill as a lover.

<<i was in a horrible car accident. the other driver died. lots of guilt on my part....not all my fault i know.

I can't even imagine the strain this put on things.

<<she slowly starts withdrawing.....i start becoming controlling.....and we end up here......

seriously ? this is when you started becoming controlling ? or were you controlling & she started withdrawing ?

<<what came first? the chicken or the egg?

Mutual threatening wounds. They appeared at the same time. Symbiotic.

<<Who is it harder for a WAW to forgive? herself or her LBH?

Depends on the people, the damage, the things said, how they were said, were the fights resolved, did the relationship have good qualities, were they good parents, did they have good childhoods ? Too many variables.

I'm guessing you two didn't. Just from the college behaviors...

<<sorry for the long read.....but my W and i have some serious background stuff.....and that's why i doubt....

tonight, you may feel like you've been poisened. It's okay. It's like a toxic release from dumping all this garbage out. (not that your life is garbage, just thats how I refer to emotional pain ).

Just take it easy. Don't make any major decisions. Don't drink. Try to veg out to TV or something.

Don't call W no matter what ! Promise ?

Hey.... you did good. Hugs.