Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[sage]

OK, I'm struggling on quantifying my goals...everything I think of is too huge, not action oriented, too vague.

If I close my eyes and think "what do I really want today from this marriage"? the answer is:

I want to be free of the thoughts of ow and the affair.
I want to feel confident that h is recommitted to our m.
I want to feel relaxed when I am with him.
I want to feel as though I am working to move this m. into a positive direction.

See what I mean? Not an action oriented thought in the bunch.

I know what it will feel like...I'll come home and not be worried that ow was there or that h went to see her, talked to her. I will feel relaxed -- like I once said "in my own skin". I will laugh spontaneously. h. will laugh, will joke, will be physical with me but not in a way that hurts (he'll hug me but not squeeze me too hard, he'll kiss me but not bit my ear so it feels like it's coming off!). We'll be relazed with each other. One of us will initiate and not feel insecure. there won't be hesitation when we talk. I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief because I'll know I'm safe with him. He'll be able to do the same. He won't be afraid of my judgement, my criticism. I won't be afraid of his distance.

I've felt it before. I've even felt it post-BOMB. It's been a while since I really felt comfortable....in the past, when it's been THAT good, well, I've screwed it up with CHAOS.

Maybe here are the goals:

1. Do what it takes to get back to the comfortable in our own skin mode (I know what it is...I'll post it)

2. Get through next phase of "freak out" (which follows #1 above) without actually freaking out.

Sage