Trixi trying to find moorage

[NikB]

I am getting tired. On Sunday I was trying to find something for us to do, and came across a cool looking event.

I don't blame you for being tired - you're in constant pursuit of your H, and doing all the work in the R along the way. Why are YOU the one looking for something for "us" to do?

Stop chasing and let him pursue you. (I know - "What if he doesn't pursue me?" - then you have a decision to make.)

I said "well, maybe we can go to it next year" and he was sort of blew me off. Could be me projecting, but the impression I got was "we won't know eachother this time next year." Like I said-- I am tired, so I might have been reading into it.

That was a ton of pressure.. but you know this.

I do think it's going to TAKE some pressure in your case to get things moving in some direction, whatever direction that might be. But I think it needs to be much more direct and straight forward than this. Dropping hints about future plans to try and push for an answer and then guessing from his response isn't going to do it. As you know I suffer from total lack of R talk while you suffer from way too much . Given that you guys DO talk about it so much though, I think it'll need to be a pretty straight forward discussion if you decide to talk about it.

Personally I'd go the route of "action" first - more in a sec.

We watched for awhile and she said "Musicians always get left because they are on the road so much. I have lots of 'falling in love', 'hurt in love' songs because I'm a musician." Her tone almost made it seem romantic. whatever. Anyway, she was an odd duck and when we left my H said "Well, if SHE can sell records, then my band will do great!" and he proceeds to tell me how awesome they are.

Ack.. that sucks she said that! I ended up at a John Lennon tribute concert all about "love is all you need" on my anniversary last year - right around the time of the second bomb. We didn't even acknowledge the date. AWKWARD. Sorry you got put in that position.

I'm glad to see he jumped right into talking about his band instead of focusing on that musician comment, actually. Could've been a prime opportunity for him to tell you all about how musicians can't be married.

On the car ride home I mention what she said about being left and i said "You know, TONS of musicians are married. Bon Jovi. Sting. Tons." He laughs and says "Well, I think she's not married because she's a handful, not because she's a musician." *sigh* My point had really been to point out to HIM that it IS possible to have a career in music AND a spouse.

Ugh... I really wouldn't have brought this up again. He obviously wasn't focusing on it.

You're NOT going to control him, convince him, change his mind, or make him see things your way. I think you'll feel a lot better when you stop trying. He's NOT going to respond to something like that with "Gosh, you're right!"

When he left he said "I'll come over Tuesday to study." Yesterday (tuesday) he sent me a text message that said "I'm going to bail tonight. I'll come over early tomorrow." Rude.

To which your reply should be: "Sorry, have plans."

If you remain open and available at his whim, he'll continue to do this stuff. Probably push it to see just how far he can go, if he's not doing that already.

I am tired of feeling like an afterthought. I am tired of feeling like I am a mistress in my own marriage. I am angry that we have more going for us than a lot of couples and he is standing in our way by not stepping up to the plate.

(((Trixi))) I'm so sorry. I don't blame you at all.

I think he's going to keep treating you like a mistress in your own M as long as you continue to allow it, unfortunately. He's not going to respect you until YOU respect you, and require him to do the same.

Tell me- is it out of line to expect someone to keep their mouth shut? I am not expecting him to not notice an attractive woman, but how about some tact or discretion???? Guys- do you say that to your W? Would you get mad at her for being mad at you? Girls- if your H did that, would you be ticked? Truly, I want a reality check on that.

Hmmm... I'm pretty much in line with ITH on this one, I think it depends on the relationship. Both between the two people, and the status of it at the time.

It used to be that it didn't bother me if H said stuff like this. Heck I'd even point it out sometimes (in a "damn she must work out a lot, check out her legs! Makes me want to work out..." kinda way). After the bomb I got more and more insecure about stuff like this. A few times I confronted H when I saw him giving a little "too long" of a look at a girl when we were out - just simply "Can you please show some respect and not do that right in front of me?" Now that things are getting a lot better I'm slowwwwly getting back to more of where it's OK to say stuff like that. I'm still not OK and probably never will be with "that" look towards someone else, though.

It's a long winded way of saying... I think it totally depends on YOU and what YOU are OK with. If this is a boundary for you then let H know he crossed it. If it's not, I like ITH's idea of "validating" it in a way to see what happens.

I don't want to have to pull the plug on this. I am mad because I bet if I do, it will still be "my fault" for not being "enough". Like if I said "I can't do this anymore, you aren't treating even as good as a GF, let alone a W" I can bet he would say "yeah. You just don't make me feel that way."

I tend to agree with Dom - if you feel this way, you aren't ready.

It seems to me like it's been a really long time since you tried some good 180s. Particularly the ones we've all suggested about being a lot less available and accomodating of his whims. What do you think? Is it time to try something else?

Am I greedy for wanting to see him more than twice a week? Am I the GF who is trying to move too fast?

Greedy? No, not at all! But way more "into him" than he is into you right now? Yes, I think so. I think awhile back you were the GF who was trying to move too fast. Now, I think you're the girl that's so easy to get it's not even worth making an effort on his part.

I am really confused right now. At what point has enough time passed that I am not being unreasonable for wanting things to progress forward? I think I have shown him that I am willing to do new things, that we travel well together.....

I agree, I think you've shown him all those things.

Personally I think now it's time to back WAY WAY off. Don't reward him treating you rudely (i.e. the last minute bail out via text). Be busy. A lot. Busy doesn't have to mean out doing stuff - I know you're more of a stay at home kinda gal. But still, be busy.

And NO R TALKS for awhile - have you tried this at all? I feel like every time you see your H you pressure him directly or indirectly for R answers. I'd say it's time to try something new.

One idea is the "bold move" approach - which is practically an ultimatem so make SURE you are ready for the results either way before you do this. The other is make yourself A LOT more scarce.. I know we've all given you lots of ideas on this in the past.

Personally I think I'd try the "scarce" approach first. He's not treating you like a GF so quit acting like one. Act like the girl he's trying to win (and not doing a very darn good job of it at the moment), not the one trying to win him over.

This is a kinda lame analogy but it's all I can think of right now.. I feel like as things stand today, he says "jump," you say "How high? Oh and can I get you anything from the top shelf while I'm up there?" Where I think you'd get much better results? H says "Jump" and you say with a sassy attitude "Oh yeah? Whatcha gonna do to make me wanna jump for you?"
(OK sorry as I said it's kinda lame but I hope it conveys the point at least a little bit ).