Starting again...with a Beginner's Mind

[sage]

OK -- I started reading DR again (hi, Topaz!) and in chapter 2 it talks about looking at things with a beginner's mind...and perhaps more to the point, identifying the thoughts/ASSumptions that are keeping you from doing that.

Just journalling the things here that I came up with -- Things that I ASSume -- that block me from moving forward

1. h is "incapable" of honesty
2. h avoids conflict at all cost
3. h will never tell me how he feels
4. h wants out of our m.
5. h has continued contact with ow
6. h is not willing or able to end a.
7. I am unloveable
8. h will eventually leave me no matter what I do
9. h will go down this path again and have another a.
10. h doesn't care about my feelings regarding his a.
11. h. doesn't love me
12. I will never be able to satisfy h's relationship needs
13. h is looking for an escape route
14. if h loved me he would tell me how he feels about things
15. if h loved me, he would apologize for a.
16. if h loved me, he would reassure me when I ask for it
17. if h loved me, he would make a grand gesture re. a.
18. h will never forgive himself or believe that I truly forgive him.

What is the cycle that needs to change?

Well...it's a few things. I have not forgiven my husband for his choice to have an affair. I have not forgiven myself for the things that I did, the needs that I didn't meet. NOT forgiving each of us, well, that needs to change.

HOW does this cycle play itself out?
Things are going good.
Either h. withdraws slightly or I just get insecure but either way, I start feeling worried, insecure, nervous, anxious.
I create some chaos -- often at the end of an evening -- I get clingy and ask for reassurance -- or I make some ASSertion about something that may or may not be true.
H. withdraws.
I get ANGRY but use sadness and insecurity and fear as a barrier.
H. withdraws even more.
I feel like crap.
I apologize (but also feel self-righteous)
We walk sort of on eggshells for a while
It takes a while to bring back the good times and relaxation to our m.

And so on....

Sage