Reason to Believe on the Lake Erie Shore

[Neilh23]

i know you all told me to take a hike...but i have a question for tyhe WAW's....

what's more difficult? forgiving the LBH for his f ups or forgiving yourself for putting up with them?

My issue, today, after some time to think about it, is that i'm having a ton of difficulty forgiving myself. I mean, after reading SC's story...listening to what Sandi and Bridge have said to me......working stuff out with my IC about the narcissitic behavior pattern i had/have..i'm surprised my W stayed as long as she did...........and why i have my doubts she'll come back.

i want you all to understand something.......at the start of our R, my W and I were not the model couple. we hated each other to start.......i was a cocky SOB, sophomore in college, just had my first real girlfriend (who consuquently broke my heart..and i felt that i was owed something by the world) and my W was a mouthy college freshmen.....and then one night we got drunk together...and off we went. For the next year and a half....she wanted me. friends with benefits. i drove her to counseling because i told her i couldn't keep having sex with her IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX.....the problem was is htat i really started to care about her......and wasn't ready to be in an R.....she coudln't handle it....drank about half a bottle of vodka that nite.....still can't to this day drink vodka......anyways...we became best friends...with benefits...she always was there....i'd date someone else....break up...she'd be there....hell, i actually cheated on a girlfriend with my W....... but she was always there. finallyy, october, 1997, we started dating. hard core. right from the get go...ILY's, etc.......then we hit a rough spot as i graduated.....she caught me in bed with a girl i had been friends with for a long time...nothing had happened...we were just naked.......course, i was drunk....anyways..that summer, she did the same thing with my roommate. we forgave each otehr.

she graduated the next year. we moved in together. got our first cat. she got a full time teaching job right out of college. i had to sub for another year. i got bitter. chauvinistic. i wanted to be the one to provide for her. then i got my job the next year..the bitterness was still there. we got engaged in october of my first year at my current job....2000. then at the end of that year...i met someone....realized i wasn't happy. we fought. broke up for about 2 days....she gave me the ring back.....then got back together. one of the issues was that our sex life was horrible. not good. come to find out, she'd never had an orgasm with me. let's just say she was uncomfortable with................something that would help with it. liked to give it...not to receive it....weird.
anyways.
things improved........we connected again. we got married...best wedding i've ever been to. our sex life was a little rocky....but not bad. we both were teachers...busy during the school year....then we moved to our first house...that first summer............ i was in a horrible car accident. the other driver died. lots of guilt on my part....not all my fault i know. anyways...strains our relationship..plus the house we bought was where i worked...a small po dunk town with one stop light. we loved the house. hated the area. she left alot of her friends from work when we moved......but we couldn't afford to live where we wanted to..the problem with that was i did all the bills. we did them together for along time.....then we just...stopped. anyways...we got pregnant....surprise a bit because she stopped taking the pill about a month before she got pregnant....we have our first daughter in January 2005....for the next 6 months...OMG....best sex and relationship we've ever had...i have never felt closer to my W.....however....we both are history teachers, and not math teachers...so we lost count...and got pregnant again....shocked the hell out of both of us..have our second D in march 2006....again, sex is great afterwards....but we have a scare....in july.....thought she was again....i suggest getting an A. did research on home ones....realized i was hurting her...and that y would i want to eliminate something we created.....but the damage was done......she slowly starts withdrawing.....i start becoming controlling.....and we end up here......

so...

what came first? the chicken or the egg? Who is it harder for a WAW to forgive? herself or her LBH?

sorry for the long read.....but my W and i have some serious background stuff.....and that's why i doubt....

now you know.