Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[tpaschal]

Too much space? When he wants to reach out and you don't contact him out of spite is too much space, otherwise, any contact forced on your part is breaking the space he wants.

If he asked for space, then I don't think you erred. Unless he is the type of person who says one thing and wants another, but that a bit passive agressive.

By the way, giving her space, yes meant she got to sleep with OM. You are going to have to get used to that idea, sorry. Figure out if you can forgive, if you aren't capable then your wasting your time here.

I let her know I was giving her space and time, that I would be around when she no longer needed it.

When do you give up?
[censored] tpaschal are you looking forward to it?
You can give up after you have done everything you are capable of doing. When you have no regrets and your children respect your decisions.

Jack, thanks for the reply, though I saw your thread and realize you are transitioning away or taking a break from this board and may not see this. Congratulations to you and your wife for coming through this challenge, and I pray for many happy years for the two of you.

No, definitely not looking forward to giving up. And I do forgive H, or at least I try to work on that with God on a daily basis. I'm just feeling weary. Feeling that no matter what I do, H keeps slipping further away. And believe me, I know he's sleeping with the OW---he's been living with her for 15 months now. H is pushing for the divorce to be finished quickly (and though he blames me that it's taken so long, it's actually his own procrastination that has dragged it out---do I confront him with the facts about that the next time he starts ranting about the delays, or do I just let it go?), and I know through the grapevine that OW is already planning their wedding.

H rarely ever contacts me, but when he does I try to be polite and friendly, while still trying to keep some personal boundaries. Last Thurs. H texted to inform me that he would be showing up at the house in an hour or two with the handy-man to talk about the repairs needed to get the house on the market. I texted back that I wished he'd let me know earlier because I wasn't at home, wouldn't be home for several hours, and the alarm was on. He texted back that I could just give him the alarm code and change it after he left. I did not answer, because I did not want to get into a long discussion about why his irrational behavior is the whole reason for setting the alarm when I leave. Yesterday he texted that he would be meeting the handyman at the house tomorrow. Still didn't ask if it was okay with me, or if it fit into my schedule, but hey, it's progress!

I guess when I ask when do I give up I mean, when he marries the OW? Cuz it's looking like that will happen within a few weeks of the D being final, which will be Sept. or Oct.

I absolutely refuse to be like the woman Cagz referred to in her post---driving by the X's house 10 or 15 years later, still wondering what he's doing. But I also don't want to close myself off to new experiences or even a new love because I'm still standing for a H who has shown NO steps back home, and may in fact soon be married to someone else.

And when I asked about giving him too much space, I guess I'm second guessing myself. Wondering if I'd been more assertive about what I wanted, or been more publically vocal about his affair (like Butterflymom), that his fantasy life with OW would have bitten the dust by now. It just seems like giving him so much space has given him the opportunity to live in fantasy land with the OW, without real life kids and real life responsibilities intruding very much.

I know in my head that it (probably?) wouldn't matter. He's going to do what he's going to do, and I can't control him. But I can't seem to help second guessing myself now that the final D date is looming. Wondering what I could have or should have done differently.