Thanks TD! cautiously optimistic seems to be the way to be! he is really holding strong in terms of not wanting to be super intimate or move home until he gets more clarity...
now i want to sell our house and buy a new one! if he says the words ill do it in a nano second...
ill be like you- GO WITH THE FLOW!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
thanks TD.. ok- now i have tons of questions on how to BE with my H. how to not make him feel weak. how to talk but not over do it. what do men really need? i know ACCEPTANCE is #1.
im a little scared of him really accepting me. one thing i was able to say at the campfire was I need to feel accepted by you. he said you do? (calmly) i said yes- and our marriage needs acceptance too...i said im not sure how that looks yet...but it can be with actions or words.
it was the first time i have asked for what i truly needed.
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
OK I am not the best one to give advice given my own multiple backslides and issues, but I do want to say wow! Great job on the camping trip. It sounds really amazing, like you are so close to being there. You voiced your needs, and I know this is HUGE to do with a WAH. You have been doing so well this whole time, so for you to feel like it was OK for you to voice your needs, things must have come a LONG way. Sounds like he was OK with what you said too, what a good sign.
You are so close, and you've come so far already. I'm sure you'll have NO problem being patient for a little while longer.
I'm so happy for you!!!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
ok- now i have tons of questions on how to BE with my H.
Simply be who you have become.......anything else will make your changes seem not genuine.
Quote:
what do men really need? i know ACCEPTANCE is #1.
Not necessarily. Typical "Male" needs are
Sex Playmate An Attractive Spouse Peace and Quiet at Home Admiration
These are from the table of contents from His Needs/Her Needs. It is a pretty decent book. There are a correspondig set of female needs. It is worth a read he obviously might not fit the text book male just like you might not fit the textbook female.
Your H seems to communicate very well and seems to really understand himself. You both agree that communication is something that you need to work on. At some point he might be willing to plow through this book with you....you will know if you can do that.
Quote:
how to not make him feel weak. how to talk but not over do it.
You seem to be doing this very well now. Experiment a little bit. You expressed a need and he didn't run away. I would for the most part let him take the lead. He is doing a good job with it and is being very open....why ruin a good thing
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Sex Playmate An Attractive Spouse Peace and Quiet at Home Admiration
thanks again wise TD!!!
i will take these to heart bc i think you are right. if i conquer all the above, plus take his lead and just hear him and validate im pretty sure thats what my marriage needs forever!
i will get that book...do i ever share any books with him or anything? i can leave them out on the table too...
i also realize that the issue of where we live and owning the house w my bro derailed his peace and quiet at home....that is a major one that will change.
(((TD)))
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
(((ITH)))- thank you! yes- i just have to be patient for a little longer! actually forever! it did take a long time for me to say what i needed- i hadnt done that yet and i only said one thing. we talked a bit about what the R needs but not me indiviaully except for that.
((Separated))~ thanks for cheering me on! i am very happy with this progression!!!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
That book is actually something you would benefit the most from working together through. There are a lot of questions/work sheets etc. It is kind of a piecing thing if you will. Realize he could read through that book and think that some of the other basic needs are more at the top of his list....those are just the typical ones.
A couple words of advice. Once you a very confident and comfortable I would ask him if he would like to work through a book like this. Something along the lines "I am really glad we are back together again, do you think it would be a good idea to get a work book to try to work on our communication and meeting each others needs so we don't go down this path again?"
The other advice would be to keep the past in the past. The old R is gone, stuff that happened in the old R is gone.....so no getting defensive or attacking one another. Actually talk about this ahead of time.
I actually bought this for my W for our anniversary (a couple days before sep....how is that for DBing.....lol). I doubt it will ever be opened up....it is just not her thing (she is kind of an action only type of person....so alot of this is a guessing game for me....lol).
You are doing great!
Note you are already meeting #2 with the hiking etc, I have never seen you but I assume you are attractive (especially since you said you have lost some weight) so there is #3, you have a defnitive plan for #4 that you both like, you speak fondly of your H...thus #5 (I don't think I have ever heard you really b!tch about him) and I hope #1 isn't an issue (note: this really isn't a need your H just sent me money to put that in there....j/k)
Keep up the good work!
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I thought the most important thing a man needs is respect? Am I wrong? I read the book Love & Respect and went to a L&R conf and they said that repeatedly.
Glad to hear your trip went well. Sounds VERY good!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
