Help...I think I did a 180...I hope

[Sophie]

Hi V:)

Has H always managed the finances? If so, perhaps it would be a 180 to suggest to him that you help with them. If you have always managed the finances, this is a good 180 - letting H have responsibility for juggling the books.

I'm glad you asked this because it helps reaffirm my 180's!!

You may have noticed I am 'eh-hm' just a fewyears older than H. We were raised so different that we have been quite compatible.

I was raised very sheltered, strick and with a controlling dad.
H was raised very...un sheltered...left to his own, much more freedom, parents are definately NOT controlling. H is the youngest of 4 kids. I am the oldest of 4 kids.

Anyway, by the time we met, I had a house that my dad help me make a down payment on. I had to pay him back...and he never let me forget it until I did.

Additionally, I am a math teacher! Yikes...a teacher, a controlling father...I have to fight my 'control freak' nature.

I try to think of myself as 'organized' not 'controlling'.

I always did the bills and managed the money. That became a huge part of the 'problems' and reasons H wanted to be on his own.

H said 'I just deposit the money and keep hearing there is NO money'. H said, 'People ask me what our electric bill is to compare with theirs...and I don't even know what our electric bill is!"

He does now! When H left, 04/05...I handed the books over. He took it all and has found his way of managing it.

I have, since he left, taken on about 1/3 of the bills.

H has 2/3 and I have 1/3. Our income are proportional to that. H pays the big ones...mortgage, insurances(med,life,car), electric.

I pay everything else for the kids and me, everything...and I am a stay home mom. (I teach online from home)

Of course....H has his own place and upkeep to pay on top of the 2/3 he contributes here. And...that's his problem.

If H lived here, we'd be quite comfortable. Maybe, we wouldn't be as comfortable if this never happened because, I have taken on more work that I might not have done if he didn't leave.


We have settled into an 'agreement' of our own which usually works.

Every now and then, he gets short on money...I get scared, worry then get mad!!

H says he just didn't stay on top of it because of all the hours he'd been working...and the late bills do get paid.

I've offered to pay his bills...as a 'secretary' so to speak.

Nope...he didn't want me to do that.

So...I have to let go and let him.

I know how to check all accounts...I do it periodically. The other day I chose not to because I couldn't trust myself to refrain from scolding and yelling if I found out things were worse than the junk mail suggested.

I am trying to let H handle his responsibilities without my interference. I may offer to help, but I think H doesn't see it that way. I think H hears me wanting to take over as if H can't handle it!

I've noticed that when something happens your first reaction is to want to contact H and confirm it. I was like that - like something wasn't real unless H and I had discussed it.

I was going to ignore the foreclosure junk mail....but...either I felt I had to give him a heads up IN CASE he was wrapped up in whatever. Or, I didn't want H to think I was in lala land and that these things would slip by me. (that is a still a bit of my trying to control this situation)

Quote:
Geez...I must be horrible to live with for him to choose to stay where he is now.


You know that's not the issue right?

I should know that...it's REALLY hard to get that through my head and heart though!

Whew...didn't mean to go on and on. But, I hope this helps you understand a little about our background.

thanks so much for checking on me from time to time