Role reversal...from a HD wife

[Bagheera]

Alrighty,

I can fully understand where you're coming from on the pornography issue, and support it. I was simply going on my own experience, where last fall, my wife was desperately looking for ways to boost her own libido in order to start improving our sexual relationship, and started to secretly view pornography herself. It had a beneficial effect not only on our sexual frequency, but also on our sexual quality and repertory -- and by the time I found out about it, I could only applaud it. She doesn't view it as often now as then, but it can still help her to break herself out of non-sexual Mommy-mode on occasion, when she feels like she's reverting to old, bad habits. But my sitch ain't your sitch, so I'll trust your judgment there.

Another thing that you might want to consider, and a therapist could help unravel is this: do you think he might have a Madonna-Whore syndrome going on? In other words, while he gets turned on by the thought/image of some 'other' woman doing nasty things with a man, does he have trouble imaging/desiring his OWN WIFE, whom he loves, doing such things? This is one way that the "Nice Girls Don't" syndrome manifested itself in a guy. He might even truly want you to be that way, but feels incredibly ashamed of asking for it or actually enjoying it, and therefore has severe arousal problems because of that shame/guilt. Just a thought.

My main advice remains:

I honestly think that the best thing you can do now is to get the both of you into a counseling program with a certified sex therapist. Just make sure that you approach this as a couple's problem. WE are going to this therapist to help us with OUR problems in our sexual relationship. You aren't going in order to "fix" him -- if he gets that vibe, he's going to be very reluctant. Reading The New Male Sexuality (TNMS) may help him to realize that (a) he's far from alone in such problems, and (b) there are solutions readily available. Sex therapy is often relatively short (months to a year or so) and quite effective, compared to other forms of therapy.

Take care,

-- B.