Role reversal...from a HD wife

[Bagheera]

Silverado;

First; Please, please keep in mind that I am neither a counselor nor a therapist of any kind. I have a background in nuclear power (navy and civilian) and am currently a researcher in the area of astronomy: so purely engineering and 'hard' sciences. I'm also somewhat obsessive in that once I latch on to a topic of interest, I dissect it as thoroughly as possible -- but I'm no professional at it. So around here, just consider me a smarta$$ with a keyboard, and treat my posts with ample skepticism.

On your current situation:

You've made tremendous progress this year, and should be commended. You've had your walk through the Valley of Fire, and have emerged on the other side ready to make positive changes. The letters form of communication was a great idea, and has led to nice results -- you've got him understanding things better, and willing to work with you towards finding solutions. This step -- getting your spouse's attention and getting them on board -- is the most crucial, and a bottle-neck that many who post here get stuck on.

I honestly think that the best thing you can do now is to get the both of you into a counseling program with a certified sex therapist. Just make sure that you approach this as a couple's problem. WE are going to this therapist to help us with OUR problems in our sexual relationship. You aren't going in order to "fix" him -- if he gets that vibe, he's going to be very reluctant. Reading The New Male Sexuality (TNMS) may help him to realize that (a) he's far from alone in such problems, and (b) there are solutions readily available. Sex therapy is often relatively short (months to a year or so) and quite effective, compared to other forms of therapy.

A note on the pornography thing:

I think you and DQ have it right. Having sex with YOU comes with a load of emotional baggage from the past and lots of performance anxiety too (if not erectile problems, then PE, and who knows what else...). Rather than going through all that, he can have a quick and relatively 'painless' release by himself. So you can see the appeal.

However, I wouldn't be too quick to criticize his viewing porn as a means of stimulating his libido in preparation for being with you. Viewing erotic material for this purpose is actually recommended for folks in his LD situation (see TNMS, and I think The SSM also mentions it).

Remember that: erection =/= sexual arousal

Erections are mechanical, and can be stimulated into being without much sexual arousal (especially with a pill). Real sexual arousal is mental, and that's what he really needs to be working to achieve in the bedroom with you. Yes, sexual arousal and erections usually go hand in hand, but don't equate them. If he's really looking at porn to help get his MENTAL arousal going, then I'd encourage it, not discourage it. Yes, I understand that the ultimate goal is sexual arousal from YOUR stimulating appearance or actions, but for now, you come with pressure and baggage. In this context, I would consider the porn to be a "crutch" of sorts, that he can eventually drop when he can walk on his own.

Best regards,

-- B.