Trixi trying to find moorage

[Trixi]

Just journaling. One day I plan to actually print out all my threads..maybe not.

I am getting tired. On Sunday I was trying to find something for us to do, and came across a cool looking event. I told H about it and because he planned to jam at 4:30, there wasn't enough time for us to go and get back in time. I said "well, maybe we can go to it next year" and he was sort of blew me off. Could be me projecting, but the impression I got was "we won't know eachother this time next year." Like I said-- I am tired, so I might have been reading into it.

Go to a local farmers market and this lady is there playing some bluesy jazz on a little stage. We watched for awhile and she said "Musicians always get left because they are on the road so much. I have lots of 'falling in love', 'hurt in love' songs because I'm a musician." Her tone almost made it seem romantic. whatever. Anyway, she was an odd duck and when we left my H said "Well, if SHE can sell records, then my band will do great!" and he proceeds to tell me how awesome they are.

On the car ride home I mention what she said about being left and i said "You know, TONS of musicians are married. Bon Jovi. Sting. Tons." He laughs and says "Well, I think she's not married because she's a handful, not because she's a musician." *sigh* My point had really been to point out to HIM that it IS possible to have a career in music AND a spouse.

When he left he said "I'll come over Tuesday to study." Yesterday (tuesday) he sent me a text message that said "I'm going to bail tonight. I'll come over early tomorrow." Rude.

I spoke with my landlord and he said he would consider owner finanacing for me since there is no longer any loan programs that I can qualify for. I am not ready to commit to buying this house, but I need to make sure I know what my options are.

I am tired of feeling like an afterthought. I am tired of feeling like I am a mistress in my own marriage. I am angry that we have more going for us than a lot of couples and he is standing in our way by not stepping up to the plate.

Last friday he went to his parent's for dinner and they had a guest (I had met previously) from Germany there. The guy from Germany brought his girlfriend. All of a sudden, when my H told me this, it hit me. This guy took his GIRLFRIEND to their house. *I* am not even worthy of being treated as a *girlfriend*. 13 years ago, when H and I first started dating, I was having dinner with his family within the first few months. NOW I am a secret kept in the wings. It's not right.

Saturday night we watched movies. One movie the girl (20yo) was topless and there was also a butt shot and H says "wow. wow. Nice T*ts...Nice A$$, too. yeah.mmmm.." Maybe I am too sensitive but come on! So I said "I could do that too you know." Next scene is guy in shower then getting out off the shower w/towel around his waist, so I say "Nice a$$. OMG, look at those abs." Then H was mad at me. But he says it's because I got mad at him. Tell me- is it out of line to expect someone to keep their mouth shut? I am not expecting him to not notice an attractive woman, but how about some tact or discretion???? Guys- do you say that to your W? Would you get mad at her for being mad at you? Girls- if your H did that, would you be ticked? Truly, I want a reality check on that.

I don't want to have to pull the plug on this. I am mad because I bet if I do, it will still be "my fault" for not being "enough". Like if I said "I can't do this anymore, you aren't treating even as good as a GF, let alone a W" I can bet he would say "yeah. You just don't make me feel that way."

Looks like Turkey may be delayed-not sure what the start date would be, but I might be able to use Retro as the litmus afterall.

I am discouraged and now I wish I would have flexed my muscles sooner, when he "liked" me more. Now it probably wouldn't matter- he would probably be relieved that it wasn't *his* fault for us going our separate ways. Am I greedy for wanting to see him more than twice a week? Am I the GF who is trying to move too fast?

I am really confused right now. At what point has enough time passed that I am not being unreasonable for wanting things to progress forward? I think I have shown him that I am willing to do new things, that we travel well together.....

Somehow you have to get the idea across to him that he is in danger of losing you.

Indeed. Not sure HOW to do that..he thinks that I believe it is our destiny to be together.